I try not to post so much on here, but rather lend a helping hand as most of you may know. I don’t like discussing my deep down emotions and such. Yes, if some person makes me mad, I will talk about it, but my feelings about depression, or my loneliness or whatever, I try not to talk about. Why? When you’re a guy, you don’t talk about thoes things. That’s what I was taught, at least. Example being, my sister and I both went through abuse. I remember my mum saying, “Don’t talk about your abuse or suicidal thoughts, it will hurt your sister”.
I understood, so to this day, I have never opened up to anyone, not even my therapist about it. I should talk about it I know, but I don’t wanna hurt anyone.
Where I am at, it’s 1:44 am. Often I find myself awake during the night feeling lonely and empty. People say pray and such, and I am I am trying to pray more and give more to the god I know and love, but the loneliness and emptiness is still here.
In my life, relationships have sucked. Between my family not being very close to me, to the bad friendships I’ve had, to the many love rejections, I think it is safe to say I don’t have very functional relationships.
I have a few few friends who I talk to a little bit, but they can’t take all of my problems on themselves. And I understand that.
Today I went on a hike with a friend of mine and his church. It was ok, felt a little better, but still empty. Got home, felt the emptiness even more, then I felt super lonely, just as I do so often. I think I would like someone just to talk to. I mean, yes I get that there are lots of others here with real problems, even now as I write this I feel guilty for taking up space, but just a friend, someone who I can talk to, share problems with, laugh with, is what I wish for.
I hope this is not too much to ask for. For I have not cried myself to sleep in a few months, but I do feel I’ll be heading there soon. And people say I have such a future with college on the way and all that, what’s a future alone? Yeah, there are people who would be sad if I were gone, but I honestly believe that by me leaving, it wouldn’t affect others terribly. For when I voice the little things in my mind, people just say grow up, people have been through more than you, or quit wining.
Thank you for reading,
Blindaudio
12 comments
You mention going on a hike… i also often feel worse after an activity temporarily makes me feel a little better. Once the activity ends, and i’m alone again, and the better-feeling ends… the contrast from that good feeling, compared to being back to the usual low, makes the usual low feel even worse than before.
I suppose it’s kinda like when you brush your teeth and then drink or eat something sweet. Often, the sweet tastes bitter, because of the lingering after-taste of the toothpaste. The aftertaste of the feel-better activity, makes the solitude bitter… even though sometimes, that solitude can become sweet, because we learn to make the most of it, when it’s all we have.
I don’t often respond to your comments, and i hope others do… but i should say that i like what you do here. I like that you offer to listen and talk to people who seem to be engulfed in despair. I think it’s a good thing you do, even if it’s not applicable to myself.
I also had a random thought, earlier: it would be cool if someone could make something like “digital braille.” Something that could quickly and frequently change its surface, so that the seeing-impaired could read random internet things with a device that converts everything to braille. I can only imagine how long it must take to listen to a vocal narration of all these giant posts… and all the crazy spelling and punctuation… all the websites out there that just aren’t equipped to support screen readers and accessibility features… and then whatever else you might do with your time.
I wish i had something more meaningful or “real,” than “hang in there.”
But, you know… hang in there dude.
Off topic here,
But check out http://www.humanware.com or http://www.hims-inc.com
I am using a small portable device with refreshable braille so I can read and write.
Hah, cool. I was not aware such things existed. It’s good that someone already thought of that, long before now.
Interesting. I wondered sometimes if I was the only one who felt even lonelier after having been out on a hike or whatever with other people. I know that happens to me routinely, I’ll feel sort of normal while out with people, then it’s back to the same emptiness at home. I find though that when I’m with a group, that sometimes I can feel lonely there also, as I listen to then talk about their kids, grandkids, their travels, their fun times, etc., none of which I have, and it can make me feel empty while I’m with the people. One of the biggest factors that brought me to this sight and my desire to end it all, is loneliness. It’s a tough problem, one that most people don’t understand, aside from those of us who are lonely. Others will say, you just have to go out and be with people, join a group, take a class, go to church, which may or may not help, and is only a temporary reprieve, and most often doesn’t help. Anyway, I hope your situation and those of everyone else who is lonely improves. It really sucks being lonely, I know firsthand!
Exactly Bill.
I’ve often found myself avoiding those temporary reprieves, specifically because of those two factors: feeling lonely while with people, and feeling worse when i’m away from them, back to my “default state” of having to cope with perpetually bleak emptiness. Instead of the rollercoaster, just let me stay “normalized” in my solitude.
It’s like when i was working, i used to hate stopping, because once you stop, you don’t want to start again. Or, you “want” to, because the job requires it, but your body is like “noooo! i’m tired and aching and i want to go home and relax now!”
This factor significantly contributed to my work ethic. I would rather just keep going until the work is done, instead of taking lots of breaks and having to repeatedly push through that same “resume resistance.”
I’m a very “let’s just get it done and over with” type of person… who ends up having to procrastinate to avoid suicide. lol.
What an ironic hypocrite i’ve become.
You’ve offered me help and now I’m going to offer you some. You deserve a friend with all the help you’re trying to give! If you want to you can email me and I can be your friend. 🙂 I’m a little short as well.
I’m available most of the time and I’ll try to answer asap!
zquijas10@ymail.com
I felt much the same way when I was working. I’m one who has also been procrastinating on suicide, and have been trying to convince myself to just get it done. Things aren’t going to change….
Hi, I read your bio and decided to look you up. I am glad i did. You are an amazing person…brave and so kindhearted and so caring even though you havn’t had the easiest life. I really hope you find that friend that you are looking for soon because you truly deserve it and to be happy.
Clevername and RenoBill’s posts remind me of the Latin phrase I seem to live by: Nunquam minus solus, quam cum solis (Never less alone than when alone).
It’s the company of humans that eventually makes me feel more alone than ever. Only after I return to solitude for an extended period do I feel “less alone”.
Nonetheless, blindaudio, I think you’re going to love college. I was a nerd in high school (note: I’m in no way implying that you are!!), but in college I opened up, made good friends and actually had a lot of fun. It helped to go to a nerdy school where everyone was as socially inept as I was 🙂 Too bad I got kicked out and lost that great feeling. But that’s beside the point.
You have a great, positive spirit, and I can see you consistently make the best of the worst situations. I agree with iamsara: you deserve to be happy.
Woaaaaaa, have felt that way too :/ even if i had people around me. Then i was a bit younger, so i used to avoid talking to them so i could stay alone and set it right. Then someone found me on one site and slowly word by word we became good friends. I just went crazy the first time and told him everything-all my thoughts and my feeling, just everything… He listened to all of it and then gave me advices in things. This feeling of being alone and empty stayed, but in a different way. Now i have just fear of staying alone and empty feeling when this fear or some other emotional attacs come up.
Try to not to think so much about things. A new start may help. bring in new changes. Absolutely new things that could make your life different. Change the way you sleep in your bed(haha, made this up )And pfff…..relationships in a level of bf and gf is nothing yet because later you are going to see and know the things(believe me, just 1 pain and hurting) I am not much older, but from my this little experience i see the difference.
You can find me if you ever want to talk because i will always have something to say and share. Would listen up.
Keep it up^^ and -“Happy life”
hey man,
as somebody who believes in a god and prays I feel you. It gets tough sometimes whether we have faith or not. I know a little bit about you and you helped me out a bit when I first came to this website. You got lots of treasure to give man and I know that without a doubt. I feel lonely every day despite the family around me and its a deep dark feeling. I got faith in you. I know things are looking down right now but they will pick up and you will continue to hike on wards and up wards. You still have my email if you ever want to shoot me a line i’d be glad to help as much as I am still able to.
Yes what you describe is very simmiliar with what i think,i like hiking like there is some energy infiltrate my body make me feeling grateful but after few days that rage returns and almost always my mother complaining this to me make fell useless,i’m 22 but i don’t know why i should live..but i believe in hell so that frustates me,now i don’t know what i want to do with my live and why should i do it..and really praying is good only for temporary and then i feeling hard to contemplate ,feel,i am feeling numb and very worthless..
There is so much mistake that i did and i feeling very worthless and talentless so why bother live??