I don’t care if anyone answers, I just need to know that someone out there has heard my story.
I guess is how most stories of depression start out, daddy leaves and so forth. Well my dad left 6 years ago, when I was 11, and I haven’t seen him since. I was confused at first and hurt, but I put on a facade of cockiness because I hated being perceived as weak. I developed depression but no one noticed because I was so good at hiding it. I started eating as a coping method and gained a lot of weight. Kids made fun of me in school but bullies didn’t bother me at all. They learned quickly I fought back, they were the least of my worries. I didn’t care they hated me, I hated myself. I hated myself for being fat, and ugly, and wanting to die, because what kind of normal 14 year old wanted to die? I was having a tough time at home. My grandma was who now lived with us, was constantly telling me I was going to he’ll because I didn’t go to church. I developed anger management issues and instead of trying to help me my mom just got angry at me for being angry. Moving forward to present, things have gotten horrible with my mom. She is a terrible person and the only reason I’m trying to keep a relationship with her is for money. She knows I have anger management but doesn’t care. She blames everything on me, even things I can’t control. She gets so angry it scares me, for the stupidest things too, because I have an attitude or talk back, but what does she expect? I’m a 17 year old girl with depression, anger problems, and ADD. I know she works a lot and she’s tired and I try to help. I do all the chores she tells me to do np but sometimes I forget and instead of reminding me she starts screaming about how ungrateful and lazy I am, which leads to me screaming. She’s started saying the most terrible things to me. She’s called me a psychotic *****, told me to go to hell, I’m a lazy fat ass and the laziest person she ever seen, I’m a dumb ***** and I’m not as smart as I think I am, she’s told me she hates me, and she’s said she’ll kill me or beat the shit out of me, and other things. I asked her why she is like that and she told me I made her that way, how could a mother even say such terrible things to her own daughter? She acts like I made her life shit, when in reality she ruined mine. She tells me to own up to my mistakes and I almost always do, yes I yell, yes I have an attitude, yes I’m lazy, yes I talk back, but does that give her any right to make me feel like I’m a horrible person? When I tell her I want to kill myself she tells me to shut up and stop being stupid, and I can’t tell my friends because they just wouldn’t understand. I fantasize about killing myself and having my mom find me with a note telling her that its her fault I killed myself. Â I could never bring myself to cut, but I did temp and took pills but I really like to scratch myself until I bleed. It’s really soothing just running your fingernail in the same spot over and over…. That’s brings me to tonight, where I’m the closest I’ve ever been to suicide. I’ve taken 6 pills and am writing this before I decide to take more, I’m already feeli g a little dizzy. My mom wanted to go to bed early tonight because she had to get up early for work. We have a lot of dogs so she asked if I could take them, of course i would. I was watching harry potter in the living room and wanted to stay out there but she goes and puts all 5 dogs on my bed, which she knows I hate having the directly on my sheets.the she gets angry because my room is a mess.like I said before I have anger problems so I start telling the dogs to get of my bed, then my mom starts screaming at me that she’ll just take the dogs even though she so tired and has to get up early. I then explained that I was just taking them off to out the blanket on my bed for them to lay on. She goes off and says “I don’t like you at all. You are evil just like your father. I want yo to stay away from me and never ask for anything from me again. I don’t even know what to think I couldn’t even say anything because shellacked herself in her room. It’s is the last straw, she is always putting me down and telling me I’ll never achieve my dreams and how terrible a person I am. When she came out of her room I told her “who do you think you are saying those horrible things to me. You’re the evil one, no matter what, what kind of mother says those things to their own child? You make me want to kill myself.”she just closed her door. It felt like finality, like I could finally give up. She doesn’t care, she doesn’t want me, what’s the point of life if you can’t even be happy. I have no one left and I think it’s time I just give up. Instead of helping me with depression she just hurt me more and i want her to wake up tomorrow and find me dead and finally see her wrongdoings. I just don’t know what to do
4 comments
First thing first…..stop taking the pills they won’t work if they aren’t prescribed by a doctor. Even then sometimes they won’t work and besides I’m sure if you pass out she will call the cops and they will pump your stomach and you will feel worse. I see that your mom is an evil ***** and you have to realize all mothers aren’t fit to be mothers. Its easy to become a mother or father the difficulty comes in raising a child with love, care, respect, logic and reasoning. Not all parents have these attributes and I’m sorry that you are in a bad situation. As for your grandmother and the “you’re going to hell” speech tell her to read her bible and tell you where it states church attendance is required to go to heaven. It doesn’t. People often say you’re going to hell as if they are the ones that determine it. I know you would very much like to get revenge on your mother for the way she has treated you but suicide isn’t the way you want to get it. You can’t get revenge if you are dead. You are 17 you have one more year to be able to leave and get away and never return. Even though I hate cliches I’m going to use one… That’s a temporary situation you’re in right now. You just have to wait a little bit longer and then you can be free of her bullshit. Now if you want revenge then you need to fight and make it 18 leave and never return. Once you have your own place and are able to support yourself then let her know she was a terrible mother and that you forgive her and that when (if) you decide to have kids that you will be a better parent then she will ever be. If you kill yourself to get revenge on her you aren’t getting revenge because she still wins because she was right about you not achieving your dreams. Achieve them and when you do throw it in her fucking face every day. That is where your revenge will be because she will feel so stupid for hurting you and she will have realized not even her shitty parenting stopped you. She may be insecure miserable with herself and wants you to feel the same way she does. you know what they say misery loves company. … all in all I say just hold on you are so close to 18 when you can get the fuck away from her.
Rock on PainNlife!
lilac, although it’s hard, try not to be afraid. Jesus (apparently AND according to the bible) said “do not make a spectacle of yourself in the synagogue, pray in the privacy of your own room”.
Kinda screws the church doesn’t it?
The church is a business – it makes money & jobs for pricks who can’t justify anything. Self belief is far more sacrosanct. You are worth more to me than a hundred of them because you talk from your heart, not a script. Live on!
I hate that,just move out of your house as soon as possible,we have hella animals too and it gets annoying sometimes too
My darling girl,
If I were there I would give you a hug. As a mother myself seeing a child hurt just breaks my heart.
I was 17 once and where you are right now. You are not evil. You make mistakes. We all do. So does your mum. She is wrong. The way to fight anger and hate is with more strong emotions. Use logic and indifference. In a perfectly calm voice say ” it must be hard when dad left. It was hard for me. I understand you are tired and you work hard. I say things I don’t mean and shouldn’t say. However you are the adult and I am the child. I don’t deserve to have hateful words shouted at me. I am drowning. Please be my mother and help. And if you can’t help. Please don’t make it worse.”
If that doesn’t work. Tell a teacher, the police, social services and get help from the outside. Your life is just starting.
Take care