How to be a somebody?

I disagree with the notion that everything beyond survival is “greedy.”

That would assume that “just being alive” is good enough. But it’s not. Sometimes, the only reward received from “just being alive,” is profound torment. Sometimes, “just being alive” only yields the grueling experience of a slow demise. That’s not “good enough” at all.

And no, “technically,” everyone is not happy. Some people don’t have three meals per day, or access to internet.

Some people have less than three meals, but not enough to sustain health and well-being, which presents a scenario of gradual decline… which can be excruciating and horrible.

What i was going to say, at first, revolved around the idea of wanting to be ‘a somebody.’ Instead of getting prohibitively verbose and complex, i will suggest you reconsider your desire ‘to be a somebody.’

Also: garlictravel? lol. How absurd. In a good way.

@thinkimready+:

I’ve managed to find a type of depression that has very little, if anything, to do with self-loathing or self-hatred. And while i want to disagree with the ‘unlovable’ part, i have to make a distinction about it. It’s not necessarily that i believe that i have no value as a lover, or that i believe i lack sufficient ‘lovable’ traits… but instead, that i find it quite common that those whose attention i would want and value, often have expectations that preclude me from eligibility… and i cannot legitimately contest that they “are wrong” to think i’m “not good enough.” It’s not that i find myself particularly ‘unlovable,’ but that i am quite certain, due to life experience and repeated observation of evidence, even reason and logic alone, that i am perceived as insufficient and/or inadequate. It’s not that i’m “afraid that i’m inadequate,” it’s that there is nothing to suggest otherwise… except that i know myself and ‘people,’ well enough to know that i’m better than “not good enough,” but not good enough to satisfy what are often unrealistically elevated expectations.

It’s that i’m not wrong to think i’m not good enough… but i’m also not wrong to think i have some good qualities that could, and should, be quite enjoyable, to any of the potential mates that i would want to be serious about.

For me, depression is mostly about unrealized potential, lack of access to solutions, lack of opportunities for effective improvement, and feeling like everything i could want that’s still actually attainable, will inevitably take far too long to manifest.

The world is too complicated (different than ‘complex’), too much has gone wrong, too few of the important parts can be fixed *in an acceptable time frame…

But it’s definitely not about hating myself. I hate being inferior, i hate being unable to change certain things… but i don’t hate who i am. I get sad when i think of how the value i find and appreciate in myself, has not been appreciated… and will not be, unless i find a way to do what usually seems i cannot. I can’t hate myself for things i didn’t choose and can’t control. I /know/ that my intentions were right, and that i did far better than most people, in avoiding doing the wrong things, and avoiding causing unnecessary harm to others. I know i have sacrificed and given my best efforts, in almost everything i’ve ever tried.

I know i’m not the one i should hate, no matter how ‘inferior’ others may perceive me, no matter how much i may validate it.

Not only am i not the one i should hate, i’m not the one anyone else should hate. But i feel that most of what’s wrong in my life, has been caused not by my lack of effort, not by my mistakes, but because other people thought it was okay to cause me problems i can’t fix, which have greatly hindered my development, and subsequently, my actualization of self-worth, in ways that i was “not good enough” to conquer.

I feel like i’ve been everyone’s scapegoat my whole life, and it has been too much of a hindrance to overcome. And since i couldn’t overcome it, i live the results of having the will of others imposed upon me, my existence, my fluid experience of living.

And i can’t help but feel like a fool, when i consider that my whole life was “me vs. the world,” and that i should never have expected to prevail against impossible odds. All along, people always filled my head with contradictions and hypocrisy and bad advice. I swear everyone was trying to derail me, the entire time… but that just seems so outlandish to even consider… even though the results fit.

Depression is both complicated and complex. It’s not necessarily about an inexplicable self-deprecation. Sometimes it’s about being unable to do better, and not wanting to continue experiencing what you can’t change… but also not wanting death to be the only way out of those experiences, when it seems like it is.

But most people will always try to oversimplify anything that is complex, complicated, or requiring of lots of time. Be careful whose words you accept as truth. They may just be trying to deceive you, for little more than their own convenience.