i know people say there has to be a reason to live. and I know there is one reason that has kept me going this long, she has always been my reason. However, the reason to make this final choice out weighs everything now. I know there is no good way to leave a child and I am going to make it look like an accident so she will never know I chose to end on my own. But I need to know what is easier for her. She is going away for a week should I do it then or while she is gone for the afternoon?
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Don’t do it! It won’t be any easier for your child, what ever your dying way or reason was, the sorrow and pain will feel horrible anyway. If you wanna make it easiest to her, don’t do it at all, get help, go for the therapy, do anything but leave her! My dad died in an accident, and it was horrible, I know it won’t make it any easier to her even if it looked like an accident. Your child will have eternal sorrow and scars from your dead, don’t force her to go trough all of it!
And most important of all, your main reason to live must be yourself! You can survive, I’m sure this isn’t the end. Be brave and strong, you can find happines and meaning if you try hard enough! Don’t do it, live for your child and yourself!
I survive. That is all I do. There is too much of the story to write. Too many things have happened to me. No one person can handle this. I won’t let her see me break. I will break if I keep going. She will remember my strength and wavering love for her.
She will live with my mum and dad who she loves almost as much as me. She will have so much more with them. She will have a good life. A structured life. i know my actions will cause her pain and i wish i could take that away. i only want what is best for her. having me for a mother is not.
I have written her a book she can read to remember me. With stories about her. Letters for her birthdays and important events in her life. I have done everything I can think of to soften this blow. My plan makes it as bearable as I can. I feel if I do it when she is so far away she will be angry she did not get to say good bye and what was meant to be such a happy time will be ruined for her. I fear if she is near I won’t be able to do it.
I am so sorry that happened to you… I wish I could give you words of comfort.
Don’t do it at all. Don’t believe this crap about how you won’t be a good mother if you are alive. No one is a perfect parent. You two will not always get along. What is most important is that you stay for her so that she know you love her enough to be with her.
Is there any way you can just get some help?
Oh sweety, you are a good mother and I can see that you think of her and care of her very very much, but if you kill yourself, it won’t do any good for her. I’m sure that if you could get some help for yourself things would get better in time, and she will understand your pain and what you have to go trough in time too, I’m sure she would rather see you going trough this and see things getting better you getting over those dark thoughts and feelings, than loosing you forever. Don’t kill yourself, you are a good mother for her, think about it at least one more time before doing it!
You wouldn’t want her to kill herself or lose her in accident, she wouldn’t want the same happen to you!
(Thank you, it’s enough for me to hear that someone even cares, sometimes words are needles)
You don’t understand. She is all that is good I this world for me. She is beautiful, smart and kind. I tell her these things everyday. She is my best friend and we have a wonderful relationship.
I have gone for help. It was not affective. He beats me. You cant tell people that. And I am scared all the time. I have nightmares all the time.
I take it and I don’t scream, she can’t know it happens. He does it when she is not around or asleep. He has shot at me and tried to smash my face in with a frying pan. Even if I leave he will walk through that restraining order. It only takes once. Even if he doesn’t kill me she will see her mom get beaten by her father. I cannot let her carry that with her. I can not let her believe it is ok to be beaten by one who should love you.
When I go she will go to my mum and dad and she will see how a man should treat a woman. She is perfect. She is pure. I took all the good that was in me and put it in her. I protect her.
I’m not trying to guilt you into life but when you choose to bring a child into this world you have an obligation to that child. I know you are going through some horrible things with your spouse but there are ways to disappear and he can’t find you. Tell your mom and dad what’s going on I’m sure they will give you the funds to move out of town and relocate to a more stable environment for your young daughter. If you commit suicide your daughter won’t go to your parents. The fathers rights supersedes the grandparents and he WILL get custody even if they try to fight it it will be a long shot unless they can prove that he isn’t a suitable parent. You need to be perspicacious in your actions when considering your daughters well being. I am all for choice in suicide but to leave a daughter with an abusive father is wrong. Getting out of the house is your first step. Get away from that man. You can’t do any recovering until you are away from him you can get away if you want to. It may take a few months but with careful planning and execution it can be done successfully to where you won’t have to see him again.
She won’t go to him. Although he is the only father she knows she is not his…legally. i never let him adopt her. I have made arrangements she will go to my mum and dad. I could not leave her with him. She will be protected. She will be safe. I have set plans in motions. This is not a plan I took lightly. It has almost been a year or planning, lawyers, letters. I have kept going for this long. I have given her so much this year. Going on trips, baking, trips to the beach, special moments to make her feel loved. I have cultured relationship with my parents. I know it is terrible to leave her in this world, you are right I brought her here. I gave her all I have to give. I have nothing left. If i stay, one day she will find out. She will hate me. Who lets someone beat them?
I can’t be scared anymore. I am going to loose my job. I work at home at nights so I can be with her all the time. But that is when he beats me. He drinks at night. I am home. He hits me. Throws me, pushes me threatens my life. My boss thinks i am just being lazy. All I can think is please don’t let her Wake up. just be quite the pain dissipates. Don’t let her find me if he ends me. She won’t recover from that. The night he almost smashed my face in with a cast iron frying pan aLl I could think was please don’t let her find me. He fractured my arm that night and made me wear long sleeves to cover the bruises. When we are out he reminds me to cover them. Gets angry if they show. I get more if someone sees. Some how it is my fault. You know what so many people have seen and believe the lies I tell to cover them. People like believing lies.
She never knows. She loves him.
She can see him with my parents. She will be safe
The worst part is the only person I have to turn to is him. He says he feels terrible the day after. He sees that I am dying inside. He knows it is only a matter of time before I am done. The day after he won’t leave me alone. Checks Internet logs. Part to make sure I don’t tell and part to make sure I can’t leave… Anyway possible. He try’s to take even this from me. He does not know when he is passed out or sleeping that is when I poison my self. Very slowly I am getting sicker and sicker. I just need the final large dose. My body won’t throw it up. For months now. Either I am a great actress or no cares but I can feel it working.
Don’t say that you can’t tell to someone if your man beats you, you can tell, you must! It may feel impossible and I know that you are scared, I would be too, and you have been brave to take it all, but you must tell someone, tell your child what’s happening, take her with you and run! You must have even some friends or family to turn to, I’m sure there is place where you can get some rest and time to think what to do, and then make it all end, but not by killing yourself but telling to police and getting help! It might feel that nobody can help or understand you, but in time you will notice that it actually helps.
Imagine if you died and leave your daughter with him, he could take her instead and start beating her after you because it’s possible that it’s might happen, you can’t be sure that she is safe when you are gone.. If she loves you, she will understand, and if you love her, please don’t leave her! It is worst that anybody could do, and I’m sure that you love her very much so please please don’t kill yourself!
I live in a small town. If I tell anyone everyone will know. She will have to live with that her whole life. My parents live here. When I go she can live with them and have a good life. I have life insurance and she will be well looked after. ( my policy covers suicide if by some chance I am discovered)
I have thought about leaving but a restraining order means nothing to him. He would come and find me. If people knew he would have nothing to loose. He could kill me when he is drunk. I can’t even count the amount of times he has strangled me. although death seems like a pleasant end I can’t let her live with the knowledge her father killed her mother and have the whole town know as well… Or worse see it.
I have a house, a job where I work from home, if I leave she will loose her security and I will loose my ability to provide for her. He won’t leave.
I pay for everything. He won’t work. I pay for therapy for him because he is so tortured by his bpd. I tried therapy ( which I would love to do) however, I told my therapist he hurt me once (a Disney account of the truth) and she almost called social services. I ended up spending the who time defending him! It was terrible. I stopped going.
There is no help for me.
“Don’t let her find me if he ends me. She won’t recover from that.” That’s the reason we don’t want you to commit suicide but try and get some help. If you die by him or other causes it will still hurt your child. I probably sound like a hypocrite because I’m all for choice but you have a child that didn’t ask to be here and it isn’t fair to her or your parents. They’re old and probably aren’t expecting to raise anymore children. She won’t hate you for being beaten by a man that’s absurd. Would you hate your mother for getting beaten or hate your father for beating her? However, regardless of what you think its a possibility that she will end up having hatred for you because she will feel like you abandoned her especially if after you die she ends up in a horrible situation. What if your parents pass on a short time after you commit suicide then what? She could end up desolate on the street or in a horrible foster care situation. People have a right to commit suicide if they feel the need but I think its the last resort. Not the first one. You haven’t tried to escape from this man. If he is going to kill you as you say you might as well try escaping and if he kills you at least that way your daughter knows you were stolen from her and didn’t abandon her and you will get justice because he will go to jail for murder. OTOH you may get away and never see this man again….What you should do is write a letter stating that if you are murdered then person that should be investigated first is your husband. Explain why and tell them about the abuse and control in the letter. Seal it give it to a lawyer or your parents and tell them NOT to open it except in the case that you are murdered or missing. If you truly want to die then at least wait until your daughter is grown. Its not fair to her because you had her. Nobody else matters but children should be considered when thinking of suicide it’s just not fair to the kids period. However, I don’t know the full scope of your situation in the end it is still your choice to do what you feel is best.
I am so sorry that you are in this horrible, nightmarish situation. It is very sad that you believe the only way to escape is to die, even though you will be leaving a child behind. Your daughter will be traumatized by your death, and will probably grow up wondering why you left her.
The ideal situation for your daughter would be for the two of you to escape to somewhere your partner wouldn’t find you. Have you ever filed charges against him? You certainly should. Everything he has done is a crime, and a person like that deserves to be locked behind bars.
It saddens me greatly to know that there are women like you who are forced to deal with violent, abusive partners. You want to die so that you will no longer have to deal with him, and I fully understand. However, if you were to decide to live, and handed him the indictment he so richly deserves, it would be a victory for all women having the same struggles. And your daughter could grow up knowing how strong your mother is, and it would hopefully instill the same values in her.
*your daughter could grow up knowing how strong HER mother is, rather.
You shouldn’t care if the whole town would know about it, It’s HIS shame, not yours or your daughters. It must be horrible to you, but you have to fight trough this and not give up. Trust me, these things always finds a way to the daylight, you can’t hide it from your child forever, and I’m sure she would rather hear it from yourself than hear it from someone else after you have died, she would know how brave you have been and how you have been protecting her (I know these things never stay hidden forever, because in our family, we have had so many skeletons in the closet and after all these years they have started coming out, after my dad’s dead, so many things became clearer, and I think if you died the same situation would maybe follow it).
Your child would live with your parents, but what if he still starts to beat her, and makes sure she will never tell anyone when you are no longer here to protect her? You are the best for her, her own mother who should always be by her side.
I can’t change your mind, but I still want to tell you to keep fighting. I feel so sorry for you and I wish you could make it, because suicide is never ever the answer and your child needs YOU, not him or your parents, she needs you.
Why do you want to kill yourself
*your daughter could grow up knowing how strong HER mother is, rather.
Such a better story
He found the account. He read everything.
You didn’t delete the history or at least use a proxy so that he can’t? In the future it would be wise to do so