right now, I am planning that next weekend will be my last … but I dont want to die… Â i am so fucked up in my mind right now, I know i am not thinking right… all that talk about the storm passing over, things will get better, I so want to believe them… but my mind is refusing to accept them…
I just want to put an end to it all because I am so convinced that I will never get better.. believe me, this is not something sudden or impulsive.. i have been researching about suicide, depression for so long, that I truly believe that nothing is going to help me get better…. well, there is this one person in the whole world… but she doesnt even want to look at me anymore.. i dont really know what i did…  we have been friends and i got to understand that things will never proceed beyond that… and i somehow got to accept that… but one fine day, she says that i am bugging her …  i am crazy, but i am not stupid… i firmly believe that i never did or say anything which would have conveyed my true intention…. but  she  some how got pissed off…
anyway, i hope there is something or someone who can somehow detect and commit me against my wish so that i can get the help i need… i dont want to do it myself, because if i do and i dont get better and if i take my life later, my family will feel extra guilty… Â but if i die right now, probably they may feel not the same amount of guilt…
damn, i am so lonely and so messed up… only if i had still faith in god, maybe it might help a bit… i became a total atheist 6-7 yrs back, but i so want to believe in god again now… but i am so fucked up, that if i again believe in god, god will think i am selfish because i am starting to believe in him again only when i need him and hence probably wont help me… oh god.. oh god…
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It’s good that you’re afraid because that means a lot of you doesn’t want to do it, I think. So take that bit of hope you have and run with it. Go tell a family member or trusted friend how down you’re feeling. They’re not going to commit you unless you can somehow demonstrate how bad it really is for you right now. The fact you want to be committed so you don’t hurt yourself is amazing. You’re strong for realizing that.
As for God, if you want to go back to any god, I’d say they’re not a worthy god for you to believe in unless they’re compassionate and will accept you back as you are, without guilt. It’s up to you to not put guilt on yourself though too.
I know because I am also suicidal sometimes that telling a suicidal person to be gentle with themselves is laughable because we are so far gone from even being able to fathom that. But please please try, because love and gentleness is exactly what you need and exactly what we all need. But it’s hard to find it within ourselves when we’re so low. Please look for any reason to love yourself. Do you like animals? That’s a beautiful thing. Do you like the sky? Go look at the sky for 10 minutes. Do anything that you can still find any hope or love for. Or commit yourself if it comes to that. Just exhaust all other possibilities because if you go through with it then you’re gone, when it sounds like there is still hope for you.
It’s good that you’re afraid because that means a lot of you doesn’t want to do it, I think. So take that bit of hope you have and run with it. Go tell a family member or trusted friend how down you’re feeling. They’re not going to commit you unless you can somehow demonstrate how bad it really is for you right now. The fact you want to be committed so you don’t hurt yourself is amazing. You’re strong for realizing that.
As for God, if you want to go back to any god, I’d say they’re not a worthy god for you to believe in unless they’re compassionate and will accept you back as you are, without guilt. It’s up to you to not put guilt on yourself though too.
I know because I am also suicidal sometimes that telling a suicidal person to be gentle with themselves is laughable because we are so far gone from even being able to fathom that. But please please try, because love and gentleness is exactly what you need and exactly what we all need. But it’s hard to find it within ourselves when we’re so low. Please look for any reason to love yourself. Do you like animals? That’s a beautiful thing. Do you like the sky? Go look at the sky for 10 minutes. Do anything that you can still find any hope or love for. Or commit yourself if it comes to that. Just exhaust all other possibilities because if you go through with it then you’re gone, when it sounds like there is still hope for you. I would explore that little bit of hope. I’m working with meds and therapy right now and although I’m not 100%, I don’t actually want to kill myself right now, and that’s big.
That is so annoying how can I delete one of those?
thanks for that scarredkitty…. i so like your screenname… but for me, i would have chosen scaredkitty :)…
anyways, i know that things are not as bad as it seems.. that if i stuck it out a bit longer, things probably would work out better.. but in my past, things have got better, only to crash again to a new low… and it leads me to believe that i am perpetually doomed …. that if even things get better, i am so unlucky that I will mess it up again…
so if i just end it all, it would probably be better…
there are 7 or 8 billion people in this world… and i know each and everyone of them in unique… mostly in how theirs brains are wired…. more like its just chance that one’s brains is wired in such a way… and i guess i got unlucky in that…
its not that i am always afraid or something…. i am always the one who gets a kick out in trying something that most others wouldn’t even dream of… stuff like skydiving, bungee jumping….. but when it comes to interactions with other people, i am always afraid.. that they will judge me as something as i am not…
the thing i want most in my life is the ability to lose some of my memories… maybe all would also be fine… like you click on a file in windows explorer and delete it… its mostly my memories that are dragging me down… maybe in another 200-300 yrs, tech would have advanced enough to make this possible, but i guess its just too late for me… its not only memories of stuff i have done or happend to me, but its just the knowledge that i have acquired…. as they ignorance is bliss… i truly appreciate and understand that…. for example, i went to a psychiatrist and one the things he prescribed me was Trazodone… and the next thing i did was google what the hell this Trazodone is all about…. and the things i read really put me off, but i still continued to take it… then i saw this movie “Silver Linings Playbook”… beautiful movie btw, but in that movie bradley cooper’s charater says Trazodone just “takes the life out of your eyes” … and ever since then, i stopped taking the pill … damn, now why did i have to see that movie?
i sometimes feel that things are so low for me that it could only get better…. but somehow something happens or i do something to discover a new low…
Do you think you maybe self-sabotage? Is there any way you could break that cycle so things just keep going up and up for you? I mean I’m sure if it could work like that for you you probably wouldn’t be here. But maybe there are patterns in your behavior you could break with a lot of work. I have patterns in my behavior I’m working on but lord knows it took me long enough to get here so it’s gonna take a whiiiile to get somewhere else.
I hear ya on the ignorance being bliss. Sometimes I wish I was an unintelligent person because I wonder if life would be any easier then. Maybe not. But maybe.
That movie was amazing. And meds are a double-edged sword. They numb the symptoms but don’t really heal the problems. But if it’s that or suicide, I say take the damn pills, yanno.