Earlier this week, I was confronted by my boyfriend. He;s one of the only people that’s truly nice to me. Yeah, he doesn’t know my whole story, but he knows I’ve been through a lot.
So anyways, we were hanging out, and he put his arm around my waist. As usual, I shied away a little bit, before forcing  myself to stay there. I just don’t deal well with human contact. Even though I know he’d never hurt me, I just don’t deal well with it.
So, I guess he noticed how I moved a little so he decided to ask me about it. He asked why I seemed nervous when he put his arm around me, or why, when we’d been dating for a while, I couldn’t really return his affection in the same way. It hurt me to be honest. Not because of him, but because I’m mad at myself for it. I told him I just couldn’t, like I normally do. And now, I’m pretty sure he’s making up scenarios in his head, trying to figure out why I’m so odd.
Honestly, I just don’t really know how to return affection that well. Even when I meet someone as amazing as him, I can’t do it. And I hate myself for it. I’m never the one that insinuates hugs or forms of affection. Hell, sometimes I can barely answer my mobile because of my anxiety. I just wish I were different. I wish that I wasn’t this way.
1 comment
I think you both should talk about it and slowly start with small things that will ease you into a comforting place. I have alot of issues with physical contact, so I don’t let my boyfriend hug or kiss me- or touch me at all for that matter. We talked about it and he got me accustomed to little things like touching eachothers finger tips or cheeks. Give it time 🙂