.
A ‘creative presence’ … An ‘intelligence at work’ … To which we contribute (?) … or are simply sustained by, and from which we derive our creativity (?) …
.
.
I’m rather ‘frustrated’ – even a walk to the mall renders me too exhausted to do much of anything … My f’ed-up physical health is just really driving me to a state of … well … ‘despondency’ … Yeah, I know – so many individuals with rather serious physical ‘impairments’, and here I am complaining … Just, I’ve been struggling, and in this f’ed-up state for a rather long time. I can hardly function, do much at all; even just f’ing thinking is too much … Tired … Really … Tired …
.
.
People talk about ‘love’ — like, what is that, anyway ?
.
Right now, to me, it’s almost like when people talk about ‘god’ — you know – this ‘being’ (whatever) somewhere around; religion and whatnot, and I’m like: ” er, what’s that?” – kinda similar …
There must be drugs out there to help us but the doctors are keeping it to themselves. We need to find these drugs and then listen to drum n’ bass music. It’s the only way that I can think to overcome this problem.
.
I’m starting to wonder if I’m _ever_ going to be able to function well again — it ‘literally’ hurts to even think … this is _really_ depressing … Guy can’t live like this – surely this is a form of torture … I really don’t like crying – but I kinda feel that way right now … Pathetic (?) – yeah, it happens…
.
.
Such beauty all around us …
I can see (half) the moon and stars just looking out my window – simple beauty …
The natural beauty all around us – and I (we) have a mind to ‘comprehend’ it … appreciate it … take ‘pleasure’ in it …
Seems it’s just humans that mess things up …
.
.
I wish I didn’t come into this world a weak, vulnerable child and have to die a weak, vulnerable old man (should I not kill myself, or otherwise die before I’m that old) …
.
.
Do you know what I went through as a child ??
Do you really think I’m gonna stick around until I’m so old and weak that I can’t ‘fend for myself’ – huh ! Absurd ! …
.
.
Okay, I think I’ve got a ‘handle’ on what’s going on [with me] ‘physiologically’.
I’m quite sure that if I should live another 7 months, my physical and mental functioning will be okay …
Don’t take me _too_ seriously till then …
.
I think I want out (Yeah, I know ….) …
We cannot live in _absolute_ isolation !! …
.
How does this all work?
.
Concepts …
.
.
I’m feeling a bit lonely …
I’ve spent more time ‘in solitude’ over the last year than I’ve spent interacting with people (By choice [mostly]) …
No, I’ll be okay – understand … Just _be_ … Or, maybe I should just try and get out a bit. My body though, is not quite in a condition to do so atm… I *can*; though is it worth putting my body through it … The chances of ‘quality’ interaction … Ah well …
.
.
My eyes are ‘burning’ … I want to sleep, but I can’t … There’s like ‘heat’ ‘surging’ through my body, with ’bouts’ of ‘iciness’ … I actually still want to live (?) – Really ?? Along with all the other crap I have ?? … F*** …
.
Ive been hiding at home downstairs by myself sleep is my only escape from the way im feeling right now ive drugged myself up with clonazepam and am waiting for it to work
.
I remember taking something called ‘ativan’ [I think] a while back, which kinda helped — I haven’t taken ‘meds’ for a long time now …
.
Hope you feel better, molly woppit.
.
.
Maybe I need another ‘username’ on here – lots of rather cool ‘usernames’ here … ‘s-f-m’ – Hmm …
.
Cool ‘usernames’ on a ‘suicide’ site ? Why not ? I really don’t like my ‘surname’ – I may as well have a cool ‘username’ while I’m contemplating ‘suicide’ … Right ?
Anyway …
.
thanks man. i dont really know whats wrong with me. ever since 6th grade ive been suicidal. stupid stuff just sends me over like homework that i forgot to due. but i guess theres more to it. my dad was and still is an alcoholic and mentally abused me as a child. by brother who i used to be so close to hasnt been in my life in years. he was also suicidal and also a drug addict and i have no idea what happened to him. i have always had issues socially and dont have many people i open up to. not even my own family. ive run away twice, had a knife to my neck many times. im not in the worst situation in the world and that depresses me even more because so many people make it through so much worse yet i cant muster through everyday life. thanks for responding
.
Yeah, thing is, when we’re abused when we’re at that age — having little (psychological and physical) resources / ability to cope; having to be dependent, and when we really need proper support — then unless we really are able to resolve all of that – hopefully with some support – then we’re gonna struggle, even with stuff we think we shouldn’t be struggling with, because of the psychological distress we’re under.
.
That’s quite a situation you have there. May I ask, is your mom around ?
yeah shes around and ive talked to her about it, but shes one of those people who thinks that people who commit suicide are selfish. that in turn just makes me feel worse about myself and ive stopped talking to her about sensitive stuff like that and lately our relationship has strained to where weve almost stopped communicating on occasions.
.
Yeah, you’ve been through all of that though; you’re probably a couple of years away from gaining (more) independence; if you get a little help to help you cope – process some of this stuff… you’ve got to give yourself a shot at having something like a good life, man.
.
Your mom’s probably under a lot of distress as well (particularly due to your dad [?]); from what you’ve written, your family’s had quite a lot to deal with… Yeah, some people are just not healthy enough / equipped for ‘parenting’ too …
.
.
Keep writing – just what’s *really* going on in your head… what’s causing you the most distress …
.
my mind is f****d up. i just think life is worthless sometimes. yeah we can become millionaires, but then we die and have nothing left. i understand thats a terrible way to think, but thats ill i ever really think about. everyday i wake up and put on a fake smile and go to school our practice our work and come home and watch tv. i dont have the energy to even take get off my a** once in a while because i think to myself whats the point. even as im talking to you right now while im thankful to have someone trying to help me i feel like im worthless and wasting your time.
.
No, you’re not wasting my time…
Yeah, this all can seem quite meaningless; but, if we’re able to really process / resolve all the crap / abuse we’ve had to endure, we *can* really find ourselves wanting to have good experiences, do stuff, achieve things… Just experience a little (even) of some of the good that this life has to offer…
When we’ve come into this world into dysfunctional / abusive families, it can really f**k with our minds – being in a state of depression / apathy …
Yeah, we do all die, but if we can get through some of the crap, overcome the effects of being in a dysfunctional environment, we can have a shot at experiencing some good — we should at least give ourselves the chance to do so … You’ve just got to talk, process, find people who you can relate to, who can offer some support / insight and help you get through the crap … And live (something at least somewhat close to) a life you can enjoy…
.
i thank you for all this. i really do. but i dont see myself living a happy life. i see me living a miserable one. i cant handle stress now so how can i in the real world. i dont want to snap and hurt others so why dont i just end it now and save everyone the time.
.
Yeah, as a child, being abused can leave us in a state of helplessness and feeling “worthless” and under a lot of ‘stress’ … a lot of stuff does get ‘repressed’, as well (we just can’t deal with it) … How is one supposed to function properly with all of this having not been (properly) processed (?) … You’ve just come on here, and started talking to someone; if you continue to talk to others, share all the stuff that’s happened/ is happening, it can make the ‘load’ lighter, help with the stress; go some way in resolving the negative experiences you’ve had (particularly during early childhood) …
I suggest (for now) putting up a post and writing out all you’ve had to go through; or you can continue writing here …
And, you *are* in the “real” world – yeah !!
Work through all of this (and, yes, you can) and allow yourself a chance to live the kind of life you’d want …
.
.
You’re welcome …
I need nutrition, man … kinda haven’t _really_ gotten out of bed here (morning for me) …
.
I’ll be on here ‘intermittently’ … Just come on and write / interact whenever you need to.
Thanks; take care, mike …
.
thanks sfm but my mind is to cluttered. its been an hour and a half since you logged off and the good feeling has worn off. i thank you for trying and i wish you the best.
.
Hey, mike.
.
I, unfortunately, can’t really stay on here… don’t really have enough energy to interact, anyway.
.
Perhaps try to just write on here … If you’ve read through this post, you’ll know that I write by myself, a lot…
There are others here who are likely to respond, as well…
.
.
{ I will likely be on for a while later (in about 3 hours from the time this response is submitted) }.
.
Hope you’re gonna be alright.
.
Yeah, I’m ‘contemplating’ suicide…
I’m not processing well … largely due to the impact of my physiological condition …
So, I may not express myself / ‘articulate’ well … I _may_ say some not-so-smart things …
I would hope that people on the **Suicide** Project would be able to grasp that there just might be people like me on here whose ‘cognitive processing’ may be somewhat ‘compromised’ (due to physical and / or psychological [/emotional … yes, emotional] distress), who are in such pain that one does at times wish to simply bring about a cessation of this (current) existence… thinking they are amongst people who can understand that, even hoping for at least a little support – sympathy / empathy …
.
Yes, _I_ *do* have the capacity / wherewithal to go through this on my own – at least ‘in-so-far’ as to maintain my ‘psychological integrity’…
A little ‘support’ is nice, though …
.
Yeah, me’s a bit tired…
.
Anyway…
.
.
^ I hope your health improves.
.
.
I’m actually doing a lot better… Tired, but better…
.
.
I was reading a little of Einstein…
.
“Try and penetrate with our limited means the secrets of nature and you will find that, behind all the discernible concatenations, there remains something subtle, intangible and inexplicable. Veneration for this force beyond anything that we can comprehend is my religion.”
.
Nice…
.
.
If you start feeling some ‘relief’ in the midst of physical agony and mental fatigue, do take things a li’l easy, okay (?)… Yeah, you’re gonna wanna go out and do all sorts of stuff… Thing is, you may end up feeling like someone’s thrown a huge boulder at you (some super-strong guy/girl/whatever) after you’ve been run over by a truck (or something) … You would think someone who’s lived this long would get that, hey (?) … ‘unreal’ …
.
The body’s ‘innate potential’ to heal is amazing … sort out what’s distressing you ‘psychologically’ (/’emotionally’); [proper] nourishment, a li’l patience, and … rebalance/repair/rejuvenate/rebuild… Just be reasonable, though !!?
.
What about people for whom there is virtually no hope of ‘improvement’; people faced with (agonising) ‘deterioration’ [till death] … psychosocial / existential suffering ? …
Yeah, this life …
.
47 comments
.
A ‘creative presence’ … An ‘intelligence at work’ … To which we contribute (?) … or are simply sustained by, and from which we derive our creativity (?) …
.
.
“Out of nothing comes nothing.” …
.
After all of this, surely I can’t simply fade to ‘nothingness’ (?) … Simply have no presence at all (?)
.
.
I’m rather ‘frustrated’ – even a walk to the mall renders me too exhausted to do much of anything … My f’ed-up physical health is just really driving me to a state of … well … ‘despondency’ … Yeah, I know – so many individuals with rather serious physical ‘impairments’, and here I am complaining … Just, I’ve been struggling, and in this f’ed-up state for a rather long time. I can hardly function, do much at all; even just f’ing thinking is too much … Tired … Really … Tired …
.
.
This life — is all a mess – that’s all …
.
People talk about ‘love’ — like, what is that, anyway ?
.
Right now, to me, it’s almost like when people talk about ‘god’ — you know – this ‘being’ (whatever) somewhere around; religion and whatnot, and I’m like: ” er, what’s that?” – kinda similar …
Yeah, I keep saying – ’tis a mess …
.
It’s a bad situation.
Do you feel sad or fatigued or both
.
Duke — both – you’re pretty ‘perceptive’, hey …
.
There must be drugs out there to help us but the doctors are keeping it to themselves. We need to find these drugs and then listen to drum n’ bass music. It’s the only way that I can think to overcome this problem.
.
Put on some “drum ‘n bass” music then, Duke … We’ll figure things out from there …
.
.
I’m starting to wonder if I’m _ever_ going to be able to function well again — it ‘literally’ hurts to even think … this is _really_ depressing … Guy can’t live like this – surely this is a form of torture … I really don’t like crying – but I kinda feel that way right now … Pathetic (?) – yeah, it happens…
.
.
… like in mathematics, we try to construct ‘robust’ models, one has to try to carefully construct a ‘robust’ mindset …
.
.
Such beauty all around us …
I can see (half) the moon and stars just looking out my window – simple beauty …
The natural beauty all around us – and I (we) have a mind to ‘comprehend’ it … appreciate it … take ‘pleasure’ in it …
Seems it’s just humans that mess things up …
.
.
‘cognitive evolution’ ? … A mind that can appreciate the wonders, the beauty of our environment …
.
.
I wish I didn’t come into this world a weak, vulnerable child and have to die a weak, vulnerable old man (should I not kill myself, or otherwise die before I’m that old) …
.
.
Do you know what I went through as a child ??
Do you really think I’m gonna stick around until I’m so old and weak that I can’t ‘fend for myself’ – huh ! Absurd ! …
.
.
Okay, I should be able to sleep now — if I could just drift away to …
.
.
Okay, I think I’ve got a ‘handle’ on what’s going on [with me] ‘physiologically’.
I’m quite sure that if I should live another 7 months, my physical and mental functioning will be okay …
Don’t take me _too_ seriously till then …
.
I think I want out (Yeah, I know ….) …
We cannot live in _absolute_ isolation !! …
.
How does this all work?
.
Concepts …
.
.
I really like oats … oats with a li’l cinnamon – wakes me right up …
.
.
Sometimes in our lives
We all have pain
We all have sorrow
But, if we are wise
We know that there’s
Always tomorrow
Lean on me, when you’re not strong
And I’ll be your friend
I’ll help you carry on
For, it won’t be long
Till I’m gonna need
Somebody to lean on
Please swallow your pride
If I have things
You need to borrow
For no one can fill
Those of your needs
That you won’t let show
You just call on me brother
When you need a hand
We all need somebody to lean on
I just might have a problem
That you’ll understand
We all need somebody to lean on
Lean on me, when you’re not strong
And I’ll be your friend
I’ll help you carry on
For it won’t be long
Till I’m gonna need
Somebody to lean on
You just call on me brother
When you need a hand
We all need somebody to lean on
I just might have a problem
That you’ll understand
We all need somebody to lean on
If there is a load
You have to bear
That you can’t carry
I’m right up the road
I’ll share your load
If you just call me
Call me
If you need a friend
(Call me)
Call me
(Call me)
.
.
I don’t know… This song just popped up in my head … Alright …
.
.
My head feels as if someone’s really ‘clobbered’ me … Oh well …
.
.
I’m feeling a bit lonely …
I’ve spent more time ‘in solitude’ over the last year than I’ve spent interacting with people (By choice [mostly]) …
No, I’ll be okay – understand … Just _be_ … Or, maybe I should just try and get out a bit. My body though, is not quite in a condition to do so atm… I *can*; though is it worth putting my body through it … The chances of ‘quality’ interaction … Ah well …
.
.
My eyes are ‘burning’ … I want to sleep, but I can’t … There’s like ‘heat’ ‘surging’ through my body, with ’bouts’ of ‘iciness’ … I actually still want to live (?) – Really ?? Along with all the other crap I have ?? … F*** …
.
Ive been hiding at home downstairs by myself sleep is my only escape from the way im feeling right now ive drugged myself up with clonazepam and am waiting for it to work
.
I remember taking something called ‘ativan’ [I think] a while back, which kinda helped — I haven’t taken ‘meds’ for a long time now …
.
Hope you feel better, molly woppit.
.
.
Maybe I need another ‘username’ on here – lots of rather cool ‘usernames’ here … ‘s-f-m’ – Hmm …
.
Cool ‘usernames’ on a ‘suicide’ site ? Why not ? I really don’t like my ‘surname’ – I may as well have a cool ‘username’ while I’m contemplating ‘suicide’ … Right ?
Anyway …
.
.
‘ feel like crap – that’s all.
.
hey if anyones there i just want someone to talk to.
.
Just write it out, stabbymike.
I (for one) will try to respond [while I’m on here].
.
What’s happening with you?
.
thanks man. i dont really know whats wrong with me. ever since 6th grade ive been suicidal. stupid stuff just sends me over like homework that i forgot to due. but i guess theres more to it. my dad was and still is an alcoholic and mentally abused me as a child. by brother who i used to be so close to hasnt been in my life in years. he was also suicidal and also a drug addict and i have no idea what happened to him. i have always had issues socially and dont have many people i open up to. not even my own family. ive run away twice, had a knife to my neck many times. im not in the worst situation in the world and that depresses me even more because so many people make it through so much worse yet i cant muster through everyday life. thanks for responding
.
Yeah, thing is, when we’re abused when we’re at that age — having little (psychological and physical) resources / ability to cope; having to be dependent, and when we really need proper support — then unless we really are able to resolve all of that – hopefully with some support – then we’re gonna struggle, even with stuff we think we shouldn’t be struggling with, because of the psychological distress we’re under.
.
That’s quite a situation you have there. May I ask, is your mom around ?
yeah shes around and ive talked to her about it, but shes one of those people who thinks that people who commit suicide are selfish. that in turn just makes me feel worse about myself and ive stopped talking to her about sensitive stuff like that and lately our relationship has strained to where weve almost stopped communicating on occasions.
dont get me wrong shes a good mother but i find it hard to talk to her about sensitive things making our relationship less personal
.
Yeah, you’ve been through all of that though; you’re probably a couple of years away from gaining (more) independence; if you get a little help to help you cope – process some of this stuff… you’ve got to give yourself a shot at having something like a good life, man.
.
Your mom’s probably under a lot of distress as well (particularly due to your dad [?]); from what you’ve written, your family’s had quite a lot to deal with… Yeah, some people are just not healthy enough / equipped for ‘parenting’ too …
.
.
Keep writing – just what’s *really* going on in your head… what’s causing you the most distress …
.
.
^ … didn’t see your last comment [before submitting] …
.
my mind is f****d up. i just think life is worthless sometimes. yeah we can become millionaires, but then we die and have nothing left. i understand thats a terrible way to think, but thats ill i ever really think about. everyday i wake up and put on a fake smile and go to school our practice our work and come home and watch tv. i dont have the energy to even take get off my a** once in a while because i think to myself whats the point. even as im talking to you right now while im thankful to have someone trying to help me i feel like im worthless and wasting your time.
.
No, you’re not wasting my time…
Yeah, this all can seem quite meaningless; but, if we’re able to really process / resolve all the crap / abuse we’ve had to endure, we *can* really find ourselves wanting to have good experiences, do stuff, achieve things… Just experience a little (even) of some of the good that this life has to offer…
When we’ve come into this world into dysfunctional / abusive families, it can really f**k with our minds – being in a state of depression / apathy …
Yeah, we do all die, but if we can get through some of the crap, overcome the effects of being in a dysfunctional environment, we can have a shot at experiencing some good — we should at least give ourselves the chance to do so … You’ve just got to talk, process, find people who you can relate to, who can offer some support / insight and help you get through the crap … And live (something at least somewhat close to) a life you can enjoy…
.
i thank you for all this. i really do. but i dont see myself living a happy life. i see me living a miserable one. i cant handle stress now so how can i in the real world. i dont want to snap and hurt others so why dont i just end it now and save everyone the time.
.
Yeah, as a child, being abused can leave us in a state of helplessness and feeling “worthless” and under a lot of ‘stress’ … a lot of stuff does get ‘repressed’, as well (we just can’t deal with it) … How is one supposed to function properly with all of this having not been (properly) processed (?) … You’ve just come on here, and started talking to someone; if you continue to talk to others, share all the stuff that’s happened/ is happening, it can make the ‘load’ lighter, help with the stress; go some way in resolving the negative experiences you’ve had (particularly during early childhood) …
I suggest (for now) putting up a post and writing out all you’ve had to go through; or you can continue writing here …
And, you *are* in the “real” world – yeah !!
Work through all of this (and, yes, you can) and allow yourself a chance to live the kind of life you’d want …
.
youve really given me something to think about. thank you
.
You’re welcome …
I need nutrition, man … kinda haven’t _really_ gotten out of bed here (morning for me) …
.
I’ll be on here ‘intermittently’ … Just come on and write / interact whenever you need to.
Thanks; take care, mike …
.
thanks sfm but my mind is to cluttered. its been an hour and a half since you logged off and the good feeling has worn off. i thank you for trying and i wish you the best.
.
Hey, mike.
.
I, unfortunately, can’t really stay on here… don’t really have enough energy to interact, anyway.
.
Perhaps try to just write on here … If you’ve read through this post, you’ll know that I write by myself, a lot…
There are others here who are likely to respond, as well…
.
.
{ I will likely be on for a while later (in about 3 hours from the time this response is submitted) }.
.
Hope you’re gonna be alright.
.
Yeah, I’m ‘contemplating’ suicide…
I’m not processing well … largely due to the impact of my physiological condition …
So, I may not express myself / ‘articulate’ well … I _may_ say some not-so-smart things …
I would hope that people on the **Suicide** Project would be able to grasp that there just might be people like me on here whose ‘cognitive processing’ may be somewhat ‘compromised’ (due to physical and / or psychological [/emotional … yes, emotional] distress), who are in such pain that one does at times wish to simply bring about a cessation of this (current) existence… thinking they are amongst people who can understand that, even hoping for at least a little support – sympathy / empathy …
.
Yes, _I_ *do* have the capacity / wherewithal to go through this on my own – at least ‘in-so-far’ as to maintain my ‘psychological integrity’…
A little ‘support’ is nice, though …
.
Yeah, me’s a bit tired…
.
Anyway…
.
.
^ I hope your health improves.
.
.
I’m actually doing a lot better… Tired, but better…
.
.
I was reading a little of Einstein…
.
“Try and penetrate with our limited means the secrets of nature and you will find that, behind all the discernible concatenations, there remains something subtle, intangible and inexplicable. Veneration for this force beyond anything that we can comprehend is my religion.”
.
Nice…
.
.
Tired, mentally and physically – but my ‘mood’ is kinda good… What am I doing?
.
.
If you start feeling some ‘relief’ in the midst of physical agony and mental fatigue, do take things a li’l easy, okay (?)… Yeah, you’re gonna wanna go out and do all sorts of stuff… Thing is, you may end up feeling like someone’s thrown a huge boulder at you (some super-strong guy/girl/whatever) after you’ve been run over by a truck (or something) … You would think someone who’s lived this long would get that, hey (?) … ‘unreal’ …
.
The body’s ‘innate potential’ to heal is amazing … sort out what’s distressing you ‘psychologically’ (/’emotionally’); [proper] nourishment, a li’l patience, and … rebalance/repair/rejuvenate/rebuild… Just be reasonable, though !!?
.
What about people for whom there is virtually no hope of ‘improvement’; people faced with (agonising) ‘deterioration’ [till death] … psychosocial / existential suffering ? …
Yeah, this life …
.