Self-reflection

Riding on the euphoria high produced from a testosterone fueled morning of sex, high intensity exercise and psychotropic stimulants, I had a moment to reflect on myself and realise a few things about myself.

1. I can do anything I want to do. This is important because as well as being a strength, it is also a weakness. It depends entirely on whether I want to do it. If someone were to ask me to do something I don’t really want to do, I would be much less likely to actually succeed. But it is also a strength because if I have the motivation to achieve something, I can and will.
2. I hate people. This is still a somewhat profound self-realisation, as I’m not talking about a benign antagonism or indifference to suffering of other people. I’m talking about persistent unempathetic and unbridled loathing towards almost all of humanity, with of course, some exceptions.
3. I am brilliantly intelligent. Intelligent to a degree where almost everyone I know barely scratches the surface of my intellect, but of course, once again, not without exception. I am not religiously affiliated.

These points of self-realisation lead me to make some deeper inferences about myself.

1. I am a better human being than I initially believed when I joined this site. This is not measured from how socially beneficial my existence is, I simply mean I am capable of much more than I initially believed. In a nihilist perspective (even if I were the only person who really existed) I still have substantial control over my universe.
2. I am also substantially more emotionally resilient, even though this means I have much less empathy and no sense of trust.
3. I think way too much. And also produce too many numbered lists.

One final thing, as a non-sequitur aside to all the above, a small mental exercise. Next time you read a news article like one I read yesterday about Canadian teenager Rehtaeh Parsons committing suicide after boys who gang raped her posted photographs of her abuse on social networking as a way of prolonging her torment, just remember that you’re not just reading an interesting article, but you are reading about a version of reality. You are reading about real events that involved real human beings like the ones you know. Human beings whose genomes are only marginally, almost negligibly different to yours. Something I had acknowledged for sometime, but only truly felt the implications of yesterday. And when I thought about it, I felt a crushing sense of my own obscurity as a part of a much larger DNA replicating superorganism with the sole purpose of finding better ways to replicate. That is the only true morality. The only higher purpose.

Now, I don’t mean by my analysis of recent events above to cheapen anyone’s suffering. I realise this is a very sensitive issue, with very real repercussions for some people and I respect that.  The reason that I mention this, is that realising this very thing (the very real repercussions of this story and innumerable others) filled me with an emotion I have not experienced in a long time. I don’t know if it was revulsion, or a crushing sense of awe that would initially inspire my to write this incredibly protracted philosophical rant or a tinge of the spine-tingling raw emotional passion that would draw me to my nihilistic self-analysis today.

Think about it.