Shattered but NEVER broken!!!

The room stands still as a gust of cold air dries the tears left on my wet face. As I scroll down my computer screen I can’t help but to keep reading the tear jerking stories of what people have written on “The suicide Project”.  Today in the United States, suicide takes more lives than car accidents. Over the past couple of years the suicide rates as risen and it has affected more men than women.

My story begins…..

Eyes swollen tear dots dried up and there goes the rumble of my unfed belly. I was witnessing the darkest moment of my life and I didn’t even know it. Blood drips from my wrist onto the bathroom floor and my heart takes a break from beating. Was I dead? Was this the end of all my pain and misery? Of course not, it was just an illusion of my own imagination. At that moment I had given up! I didn’t want to move forward with my life, because all I could think about was how to end the emotional pain I was feeling deep within.

I still had the smell of his cologne that soaked into my skin on me, I still had the sweat that ran down his forehead stained into the underwear that was torn off of me and I still had the cuts and bruises that were left behind simultaneously placed on my body. No matter how far I went, no matter how far I buried the memories they seemed to redefine themselves in my life.

Nightmares were the least of my worries; it was the unexpected that truly kept me on edge. Suicide isn’t really as painless as people make it out to be. Suicide can cause unspeakable grief on others’ lives. Far too many of us have seen the traumas that suicide wreaks on families and communities.

Although, suicide was the quickest way out for me I just couldn’t seem to go through with it. I kept thinking about my mother and her words that kept replaying in my head “Zanetta you are my only child and I don’t know what I would do if I lost you”. I dropped the blade and collapse to my knees and begin weeping. I couldn’t believe that the thought of me being absent from this world could cause so much grief on the women I loved the most. I couldn’t dare hurt her like that. What was I thinking? I was being selfish, I didn’t care who I was going to affect. All I cared about was ending the pain I was feeling.

NO ONE knew the pain I dealt with, NO ONE knew how depressed I had become. I feared every dark corner and every potential sex offender. I had lost my strength but mostly I HAD LOST MYSLEF!