I’m writing as a person who’s reached wit’s end. Everything went wrong; I have no true family anymore. I was the youngest of 4 brothers until the eldest killed himself 3 years ago. The second oldest would hit and swear at my mother- much like my dad did- until she cried on the floor. He would just shove me away when I tried to stop him because I’m wheelchair bound with multiple sclerosis. That brother is gone to medical school now.
The one closest to me in age has cut ties with us; he lives in Utah with his wife and son. We weren’t told his son’s name. I don’t know for certain where my dad is, it’s been about 3 and a half years since we last spoke. My mother still loves my brother who abused her more than she cares for me. She would still try to joke with him and supported him through college, but she only stares at me or my chair with empty eyes and no expression when I try to talk to her. She feels that me going to college is a waste of money, so I struggle alone. She thinks my brother will become a doctor and come back to support us, but I know there’s only hate between us. If he has money, he won’t come back.
Growing up, I just wanted to escape, but now I can’t even get away to kill myself. I’m trapped here with all my sick memories. I want to be free, and a real man, not a withering thing that gets put aside in its chair. I’m so terrified not knowing what will happen to me; what if someday I can’t move at all? Other than those I described, no one knows I exist. I’m never going to get away from this house and this woman who years ago was my mother.
8 comments
First thing….I am sorry about your brother but at least he is at peace now…..Parents often play favorites with children even if they don’t admit it. Every parent with 2 or more kids will say “I love them equally” but secretly they all have a favorite some just hide it better than others. Like I know my mom loves my sister more than me but it doesn’t bother me since I don’t really care much for myself either. I mean really how can you be mad at someone for not loving you more when you don’t love yourself at all? Anyways, I understand you and empathize with you on that. I am not physically disabled just mentally. I know its hard being in a wheelchair I guess I could say that I have a mental wheelchair so to speak. I know its hard to watch your mother treat your brother with more love but some things are out of our control. You can’t make her love you more. As harsh as that seems its the truth. You are a “real man”. Every man is a real man….what the hell is a fake man? a transgender one? Don’t think that you are any less of one because of your disability you didn’t choose that for yourself so don’t blame yourself for it. Have you ever told your mother how she makes you feel?
Thats pretty sad,yea my dad used to beat me and my sister bbut he always put my sister on a peadstill and he just admires her,and yea my sister said its cause she fought back and stood up for herself
Cleanup:
But me and my dad are getting along better now,and yes I doreally love him its just a fuvked up story
That’s not the case.
I think your dad was more “tender” to your sister because, simply, she was female. Don’t think he loved you less. Dads have also got a habit of beating their boys because they don’t live up to their ideals – forget the father/son comparison, it doesn’t equate.
It’s what is in your fathers mind that makes him hurt you – nothing to do with who you are, what you did, or what you could have done. Just what’s in his mind. To many people live vicariously through their children & drive them to insanity; I think that happened to you.
I won’t speak for the value of others living with disabilities. It’s just that where others have risen to the challenge, I have consistently failed.
As for my mom and I, I’ve confided in her about my worries before. I’ve never just plainly asked why she supports the son who insults and hits her so much more than me. When I was very young she loved me, even though I was the only unintended pregnancy of my parents’.
FWIW I’ll give you my opinion.
You felt/feel like a burdon, so you did everything you could to make it not so.
Your brother realised that if he kicked, screamed, hit, he could get attention. Babies cry, mothers fulfil. You’re the man here – you have overcome obstacles others cannot realise. Your brother is simply a bully – crap in all respects. Hurts you, your mother, and if not stopped will continue to hurt others.
“The meek shall inherit the earth” – what fuck was that? The meek get soiled & killed with impunity; no-one gives a damn because they don’t shout up.
MS geez!!! You have more courage then I do.
My dear man,
Your story brings such sadness to my heart. There are people on this earth that can cause great destruction. However, there are also those who can fill it with peace, joy and love. as a mother I can say for me not to be able to love my child seems impossible. a mother will try to support her child anyway possible; even if it means taking punches, kicks, and slaps. Have you considered the pain she carries in her heart. One son ended her life, another cut her out, another followed in the footsteps of a man she prayed every night she sons would not become. Then my dearest soul there is you. The one person she can hold on to. She is wrong not to tell you, she is wrong to allow you to feel the love she has for you, and she is wrong to keep you to herself instead of letting you go to school and become the great man you are. Mothers make terrible mistakes. We are human. We can love equally but differently. The same as we love a movie that scares us and a love story. We love for different reasons.
My heart is with you.