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I’m heading into town. I’m alone, for now. Meeting for drinks with my sister. And I decided for the first time in… a long time, I’m going to do something completely selfish.

I’m going to get drunk and then I’m going to throw myself under a train.

I thought about this when I said goodbye to my lover earlier tonight. A voice in my head telling me that it was the last time I would ever see her. Make it count. “I love you so much. I love you so much. I don’t know what I would ever do without you.”

The last time I will see anyone. Relax, I tell myself; as sure as we each are born, so shall we all die. There is no escape. Besides, there’s almost a poetry to it, happening this way. This way, I can tell everyone how I truly feel about them. Every word becomes important. Without fear of judgement or reproach. Even if I can’t tell anyone how I intend to finish the night. A night of fearless honesty.

I feel the muscle relaxants come on as the train I’m on pulls into the city.

I don’t know how I came to end it like this, having accomplished so few of my dreams. I never wrote a novel or directed a film or ran my own business or learned a new language like I was going to. But that’s okay, I shall die anonymously, the same way I lived.

I have no fear. I’m isolated but compassionate. I feel all the control I lost from my life; the pain. But I know I’m in control now. I know because just for tonight, I can take control.

Will I be able to follow through? I don’t know.

I love you all truly.