So I hung a rope in my garage yesterday morning. It and the beam its hung from are sturdy enough…at least my ass didn’t hit the ground when I grabbed on and swung. I set it up so that all I have to do is climb to the second rung on my two tier foot stool, apply the noose, and step the bottom rung to tighten it then step off completely to finish it. Obviously I have yet to step off while ensnared. I, however, have been repeatedly been putting on that tie and getting to the bottom rung and just bending my knees because I can’t make myself take that last step. I read up on it online and in theory it takes 5-10 seconds to pass out due to the pressure on the artery and the blood flow…boy does 5 seconds take forever and I have yet to make it. So far, it only takes a couple of seconds to get here, I have made it to the dimmed vision, light headedness, I can feel my body swaying, my legs feel weak and my left leg shakes so uncontrollably that I have a very nice bruise on my shin where it has hit into the top wrung of my trusty little ladder. But then I guess I get scared and try to stand which is harder then it seems and I grab onto the rope above my head to ironically keep myself from accidently falling and completing this adventure, step up to the second tier and take off the rope. I have repeated this over and over and over again and have yet to follow through, I have learned how much pressure to put on so that I’m hitting the artery and not just the vein cuz I’d rather avoid the purple head. I have sat down again and again and really thought hard if this is what I want to do and I keep going back to yes…so I trudge back out there to try and fail again. In between I did go looking for something sharp and tried slicing and dicing, in the correct direction, but that sucker is deeper than you’d think and I really am not a fan of pain. I just tried again before I came back in here and started looking online. I don’t know what I’m looking for or why I am writing now or what I expect due to this writing. I just don’t know. I am not strong enough and am obviously a coward and I don’t want to stay here anymore but I can’t seem to complete this act. I can’t afford to buy the helium or detergent supplies, I’m not going to try drugs since I have seen ALOT of those come unsuccessfully through the hospital, and don’t have a gun, which by the way is not full proof and I have seen those survivors as well with varying degrees of intelligence lost. I have briefly though of getting drunk but don’t want to because if I’m going to do it I want it to be me doing it. I guess I just wanted to express myself even if its to complete strangers that may or may not read or care…at least its out there…
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Hi intheory, you’ve really thought this through so I won’t even try to talk you out of it. But I did want to ask if you felt like telling us what led you to this point. Sometimes, like you said, it’s good to open up to strangers.
Its fascinating how some people stories when dealing with suicide are so much alike. Its like that for me as well. I think hard about if its really what I want to do with my life. I decided to do it twice before with a method similar to yours but not quite hanging its more self strangulation with a tourniquet. I know your pain my friend because I am in that very same phase as you are right now. I can’t tell you whether to live or die because I have chosen death so I would be biased. All I can say is that I know your struggle and I hate the fact that so many of us face the same struggles….If you decide to go on through with it…I hope you find the peace you seek and I will be joining you very soon….take care
i don’t think you’re a coward, it just takes a lot of strength to overcome this fear. i’m thinking of trying this. but i definitely will go with booze beforehand, i don’t care if it’s me or not.
Sometimes it helps to talk with total strangers… They don’t know you, aren’t biased, and can serve as good sounding boards. You’re definitely not a coward. If you’d like to talk, I’m here.
I am back down here because I am tired. I have tried once before and failed about 8 years back and with none the wiser and one hell of a hangover (I tried injecting a lot of insulin-I am not a diabetic-just passed out for a day and woke up feeling like hell). I have had suicidal thoughts since my teens and I am now 33. I am always climbing the walls of the pit only to be drug back down, always with the laughing mask on. Then I did it because I saw no point to breathing. I don’t have a “good” reason for the past 36 hours. I hate me and what I have done to my life. I am a failure at living. I have been working 2 jobs, 70 hr weeks, 6-7 days a week for the past couple of years trying to pay bills. I don’t go out and the only shopping I do is grocery. I proved 2 weeks ago I can’t keep up and bills starting bouncing out of my account. I have been coasting on bad checks since then still going to work and wanting to scream. I called in sick Tuesday night at one job and didn’t call at all last night at the other. I don’t have the money to put gas in my car to make it (its 40 miles one way to work, I live in a rural area). My checking account is obviously fucked up. The county sheriff has been knocking on my door the past couple of days which I haven’t answered. I feel so ashamed. I know that its only money and its all my fault that I am such a failure.
Financial ruin is no light matter. It is both challenging and frustrating to stay on top of things and not let them steamroll you. You say you have been doing it for a couple of years that in itself is a feat worthy of praise. At least you had the grit to do it I am not even capable of doing such a thing. Its not that I’m lazy or feel entitled to anything but I’ve given up and let life steamroll me. I tried to keep job after job with one failure after the next and it became so frustrating to the point I have nothing left. The hardest part comes when you realize you can’t fix or redo the past. You can only do a patch job and move on.
Eventually, you will have to face the sheriff… and most likely they will arrest you for the bounced checks. I don’t know what to do in that situation except to call a lawyer and see if there is anyway you can avoid jail and possibly loss of employment. Even if things don’t work out I hope you find a way out of the hell you’re in one way or another.
Intheory, I’m glad you didn’t off yourself today, if only because it’s good to talk. Like PNL just said, financial ruin is no light matter. I’ve been there, and although I never completely dug myself out, at least I have a roof these days. I wanted to throw one thought at you… When I was at my worst, rock bottom with collectors harassing me every day, one thought kept me going. I could just say fuckit and walk to South America. Literally that’s what I planned to do, and that crazy thought kept me alive through some horrible nights.
South America may not be your cup of tea, but surely there’s some crazy ass idea you can cook up… sail a raft to Bermuda, live on the beach in Malibu, whatever adventure you can come up with. Hell if you’re going to kill yourself, why not have a vacation first?
Thank you for sharing and your right, I could make it through given enough time. The thing is I don’t want to. I am so tired. I just want to lay down and sleep and never wake up. I don’t want to try living again. I know that the financial aspect is survivable and so would be the shame. I know that it could get better because I have been there in the past…it hasn’t been a straight 20 years at the bottom of the pit. There have been varying degrees of sadness. For the past 2 weeks I’ve been telling myself to think of my parents, that I’m lucky this is all I’ve got to deal with and that I’ve made it through worse crap than this and kept pushing myself putting in even more overtime. But I hit a wall and asked myself why. I couldn’t come up with an answer anymore… Right now I am waiting for the activity to go down in front of my house. I won’t take the chance that I could make some noise and refuse to be rescued when I do follow through with it.
Thank you for listening and not judging. I feel calmer and more peaceful now. Maybe I just wanted someone, anyone to know how I feel and to acknowledge it and that’s why I came here. Its finally quiet outside. I wish you all a good journey wherever it may take you.
Ah I know how it is. And that’s the same reason I’m here… I’m just tired of it all. When you get right down to it, I’m sure most of us here could eventually overcome our problems IF we had a good reason. Like suppose someone came up to you and offered to give you a million dollars if you could just survive the next 2 years. No problem, right?
Unfortunately it’s hard to find motivation like that. It has to come from inside because I don’t think there are any wealthy benefactors out there. Last thought… is there some old friend or girlfriend you could look up and give a call or an email? I sense that you’ve got some fight left in you, but it’s just buried deep inside. Maybe someone from your past can awaken it?
I’m glad you’re feeling more peaceful, although it is very sad. If you go through with it, I wish you 100% success. If not, know that you’ve got a crash pad here like the rest of us.
Intheory…it was like I was reading my own thoughts when I read your post. I’m going through a financial dilemma with funding my education, but I’ve got no will or good credit to find personal loans, and I have until September to do something, or I will be kicked out, with a $70k debt and no degree to supplement it. But the pain doesn’t start or end there. Like you, I have that same crushing, debilitating fatigue; I want to lay down and sleep until end of time. You wondered if you were a coward for not going through with your attempts, but you’ve made much more progress than the lot of us. Whatever your decision, I wish you the best in obtaining peace.