This isn’t about any kind of depression, this post is about real pain- the physical kind.
My spine is overwhelming me right now. It’s making my leg practically useless.
Have you ever had a pain so bad that you felt like running straight through a wall?
I mean like even if the wall didn’t brake, still running at it in full speed… Where was I going with this? ..oh yeah.. It hurts that bad!
Sometimes I just want to go to the hospital, but that ain’t going to happen less I can’t walk or it hurts to lift my head (I mean paralyzingly painful) for hours on end and I’m unable to work. And sometimes I feel like giving in to more powerful painkillers, which goes against my better judgement of putting myself in a position of becoming dependent on pharmaceuticals. It’s bad enough I use what I use for the pain.
“I feel like my body is falling apart”
I’ve been saying that for years now.. The sad thing is that my body is really falling apart from the inside, my spine. This condition I have is a real fucking curse. Bones crunching and popping and grinding all the time. Constantly adjusting and readjusting my hips and my spine and my legs every 35 seconds. Absolute pain every second..as you read this right now.. Pain..pain…PAIN… For fuck sakes.. there is no god… PAIN!!!! Only pain..in the mind..only pain.. There are no words.. Which is why I usually don’t write so much on this subject.. There is just no words I can use to explain how it feels every fucking day.
For those of you who don’t know me.. I am not suicidal anymore, I was at one point but no more. My life has meaning.
I’ve been so stubborn in the past..I still am. I won’t give up! I’m afraid to show weakness, I’m afraid of being useless, like and old busted up farm dog waiting to be shot.
The pain is very temporary. I may live to be a hundred years old or more…my condition, increasingly worse…
The pain is still temporary
74 comments
I can’t fucking concentrate with this fucking pain.
*insert bloody screaming*
Drugs.
I was just thinking the same thing
Have you ever visited a chiropractor? Word on the street is they know secrets for relieving back pain.
Dr Barefoot. Thailand.
I swear.. You could put anything in front of me and I would surely take it right about now
Dr. Barefoot from Thailand? Is she one of those Asians who walks on your back? I’ve heard good things.
Chiropractor has been on my last resort list for years. I spoke to one before and they said it wasn’t a good idea to have them mess with conditions that could get worse with that kind of treatment (because of broken and missing bones). It’s been on my last resort list cuz I have never been able to afford any treatment besides cannabis.
It’s a man with monster feet.
He’s had good reviews from my family members with back issues.
Dude; If there’s a doctor who specializes in relieving back pain, and you suffer from debilitating back pain, why wouldn’t you see one?
‘Cause that shit costs money. And a ton of it too.
Two choices:
1. let the pain cripple both your body and your mind
2. take pain killers
I had all i could take of #1, long ago. I use aleve somewhat regularly, because i get crippling migraines from all the involuntary and subconscious compensation adjustments my body is always trying to make, due to nerve damage in my neck, and possibly physical misalignment, but i have no way to afford getting it diagnosed and corrected.
You can let it make you miserable and drive you nuts, or you can take pills when it becomes unbearable.
And yes, i played football in high school (how i hurt my neck the first, second, and third time), so i know exactly how it feels to run full speed into a wall. I’ve also had some interesting “extreme sports” incidents. Coming to an abrupt stop against concrete is even worse.
Some days, i can only make it almost halfway into a day of doing almost nothing, before i’m exhausted by simply trying to maintain my posture and avoid detrimental motions that will jerk things out of alignment and cause a migraine. Even a slightly misjudged head-turn can trigger it. The only way to work against the problem is to stay relaxed and move carefully. As soon as i have to actually ‘do’ anything, i’m risking a ruined day, and possibly several days of recovery.
I am the old busted up farm dog.
The only reason it ever got so bad, is because my parents were either unable, or unwilling, or both, to get me proper medical care when it first happened. Because it didn’t completely cripple me, they seemed to assume i’d be fine. I knew they were wrong, but they wouldn’t listen. My life has been hell ever since. I was never able to do enough of the right kinds of work, primarily due to those lingering physical difficulties, to ever afford corrective measures. Kung fu and tai chi helped for a while, but depression destroyed me anyway. I’ve been in desperate need of proper physical therapy, for about 16 years, now… but it’s virtually “invisible,” so people just assume i’m lazy or something. And so my only choice is to tolerate and manage the pain and impairment as well as i can, which is not well enough to actually improve my life. I can do things in bursts, but it takes too much out of me, and i can’t sustain it. I’ve tried, but it always catches up to me and i start locking up and end up breaking down. I can’t do it. I know that i can’t do it, and that just telling myself i can, isn’t enough. I told myself i could until i couldn’t, and then no one had any answers. I’m in this situation because of my impoverished and neglected upbringing. People stare at me like deer in headlights, when i try to explain… it’s like i’m not even speaking English. I’m tired of waiting for things to never get better, and being unable to do what i need to do. Today, i couldn’t help feeling like i’m just done.
How many bags of weed does it cost? What’s cheaper in the long run? Which option has a longer lasting effect? Cannabis or the chiropractor?
No medical insurance and no money. I gave up on the hope for all that when I was still suicidal. I don’t have faith in doctors. Every doctor I’ve ever talked to only tells me that they are sorry and I will just have to live with it. I’ve researched what happens to people with my condition. It’s beyond sad.. I don’t even relate with the worse cases..I can’t picture myself like that
@clever- I feel you on that one. My body wants to be done for sure. This is why I can easily think of suicide more than 40 times a day and not even be depressed or suicidal.. It’s just apart of me now. But I have too much fight in me to give up my freedoms. I pretend to be a “fit” person cuz I don’t want the world to come down on me for being weaker. I’d rather run through that wall over and over till my body gives out.. Then life can take whats left of me.
What about morphine? Ever had any of that?
@RT3; What if you signed up for one months worth of insurance, then went in and got checked out, (and hopefully get cured), then you cancel the insurance after your back is fine?
Or find a chiropractor and tell him you want a money back guarantee. “Fix me and I’ll pay – fail and I don’t pay”.
I’m just brainstorming ideas here.
@C4:
you left out: which can be readily and spontaneously administered?
You can literally smoke weed all day every day. Sure, it’s not as effective, but it takes the edge off the pain, and elevates the mood.
It would be outrageously expensive to visit a chiropractor every day, and you probably can’t do that more than once per day.
In that fist comment I said that I spoke to a chiropractor already. I’ve spoken to doctors and “specialists” of all kinds.. Uhhh…I’m fucked! There is no treatment besides morphine
Grow poppies. Lance poppy pods. Eat latex. Feel instantly better! 🙂
also:
how do you get past “pre-existing conditions?”
@ clevername: Yeah, I know. The cannabis cure just reminds me of that Dutch boy who stuck his finger in a dyke (no pun intended). It’s a temporary fix.
You lie on the insurance application form.
I called it on the morphine. Just putting that in there…
What about sedatives? You into that?
My condition will eventually lead to total dependency.
My therapy for dealing with my condition is admitting that fact.
I don’t have the life you all think I have. There is a definite end to me that I can’t even prevent
Fall off a cliff, get eaten by a shark, have a B-52 land in your bedroom during the night, rock to the head, car to the head, eaten by feral cats, trampled by feral cows, we all have a definite end that none of us can prevent. Dependence isn’t necessarily a bad thing unless it doesn’t help make life easier while you have it.
cannabis isn’t a “cure,” it’s a thing that helps manage things that don’t go away. It’s supposed to help make life better despite being fucked. For that reason alone, it should be legal, regardless of any potential side effects. Plus, it’s enjoyable even purely as recreation, and isn’t so strong or intense that people who aren’t blatantly abusing it, will act all crazy. And people who are blatantly abusing it, will most likely only pass out on their couch, and wake up hungry.
Also: isn’t lying on an insurance form considered “fraud?” Can’t they just decide not to cover you, if they “suspect” something? Can’t they just say “ohp, nevermind, sorry!” and stick you with a huge bill? Idk. It seems like “insurance” is really all about charging people for services that will most likely never be rendered.
You know, doctors once prescribed morphine and heroin as a cure for alcoholism for the exact same reasons people today argue that legalizing pot is a good idea. I’m not saying it’s a bad idea – I’m all for it – but just pointing out the eery similarities.
What’s wrong with a bit o’ fraud if you don’t get caught? 😉
@lorax- one day I won’t be able to control my own bowls! How’s that?
@noonoo12- I strongly consider them these days but I have to be able to keep the same energy I have now..or I am fucked! I can’t change who I am.. And I know more drugs will do that. So I stick to cannabis.
I’ve studied cannabis in order to use it more efficiently. I rotate different kinds and methods to medicate with. It’s more than just getting high, it’s the only thing that works in a line of methods I’m willing to use.
@ clevername; I have no moral qualms whatsoever about defrauding the insurance industry, the government, or banks. They’ll still continue to generate a profit despite my meager victories. (By the way, I usually lose).
Cannabis is fine too, but it’s a temporary reprieve from whatever ails you. The pre-existing conditions which caused the pain will be there before, during and after consumption. It just doesn’t hurt so bad when you’re high. What if you addressed the root cause and eliminate the need for a temporary alleviant?
In your position, I’d definitely use them. Because. Duh. Drugs.
Plus it would be justified drug use and it might actually help more than the cannabis alone.
But I can see where you’re coming from. Sort of.
@lorax:
ah, but, opiates can (do) wreak significant havoc in the body, where cannabis is largely innocuous. I’m not saying you shouldn’t, just that there is a clear and obvious difference between the two. I would suggest that opiates should also be legal, but that’s because i think the gov’t should not be allowed to tell us what we can or can’t do with our own bodies, not because i think opiates are harmless.
C4- I am missing bones from a birth defect, causing this condition after breaking another bone in my spinal column. …..put that puzzle together in your head for a minute and try to devise a cure. Then let me know what you come up with!
What have the doctors said about physical therapy?
@noonoo12- and I can see where you’re coming from. I’m gonna take another Advil
Hmm. You’re missing bones. Can you get a bone transplant? They can’t insert bones into you? Idk. That sounds dirty.
Forget it. 🙂
Advil. Ha.
Heroin. That’s what you need.
@C4:
The /only/ reasons i don’t currently use cannabis, are the risk of legal penalty, and the prevalent employment drug screening. Remove those two problems and i’ll be high every day, even if i don’t “need” it. I just enjoy it. It’s something that makes my life significantly better, even if it doesn’t solve impossible problems.
My qualm with the insurance thing is much the same. There is significant risk of significant penalty, and no guarantee of problems solved. I couldn’t care less if they felt “tricked” into covering a pre-existing condition. They would be objecting to helping someone who needs it, which would not convince me to care about being fair to them. I do care about being fair to me, though, and too much risk for too little reward, is not my game.
I think opiates, if procured from one’s own garden, are mostly harmless. It interrupts the addictive cycle that easy access allows. Once your flowers are used up, you have to make do with what you have until you can grow more. It’s that shady dude in a business suit (or standing on a street corner), offering you an alternative to all that hard work, which allows addiction to flourish.
@noonoo12- you’ll love this.. I’ve had 2 x-rays by 2 specialists and both times they just give me these pamphlets on what kind of stretching to do and what positions not to sleep in. It’s all bullshit. There is really nothing they can do. Only about 2% of anyone born in the world has this condition. There just aren’t enough people suffering from it to make a difference on treatment. Idk..I should update my research..I’m desperate
@lorax:
what’s stopping someone from staging a cycle of incremental and continued harvests? I’d do that with cannabis. I’d have 2-3 crops going at once, to make sure i’m never stuck without. Why should i be without cannabis, ever? And don’t say “laws and drug tests.” Is there any other reason?
@noonoo12- lol
@C4- lol
@lorax- LOL
It’s hard as hell to grow poppies indoors (and rarely successful). During the growing season, it takes the most part of the spring/summer/autumn to get to the stage where you can harvest them. If you grew enough poppies, you could theoretically harvest enough opium to stay high constantly for the entire year, in a progressive cycle, but it’d be difficult to pull off without a lot of acreage.
@clever- at one point, growing cannabis gave me true purpose and a real love for living! I’d recommend it to anyone!
143,533,108.4
That’s a lot of people.
Maybe I’m just shitty at maths.
@clevername
You’d only have two or three crops…?
@ clevername; Yeah, I was high the entire time I was awake for a few years in my early 20’s. I’m subject to random urinalysis now, so I don’t do anything that stays in my system for more than two or three days.
I went through a period of unemployment in 2010-2012. It was cool. I sold everything that took me 20 years to accumulate and got an apartment two blocks away from the beach. I got my medical marijuana card, (told em I had a hard time falling asleep), and started smoking again. It wasn’t good. All I did was play the bass, go online, eat and think. I wrote some great songs, (well, songs that sounded good while I was high), and became a decent cook. That’s about all pot did for me, but whatevers. To each his own.
I could really use a nice strong pain killer right now to put me to bed.
It’s gonna be hard to sleep tonight
RealTalk, it’s hard to sleep every night. 4:30am. Fucking hell I have no life.
I get up at 3am every morning
When do you sleep?
Maybe I shouldn’t say this, (there are young minors here), but alcohol really helps put you to sleep. I guarantee that if you drink enough to where you can’t even stand up, you’ll sleep like a champ.
@C4 when I’m drunk, my clothes are coming off… the only thing I’m doing in bed… is anything but sleeping. Weird how people react differently to different things.
high no life is better than just no life. At least if i’m high, i feel better and am more interested in things. This last year and a half of non-cannabis and almost a year of zero drinking, which started almost 2 years ago as almost-zero drinking, has only proved that cannabis did indeed make my shitty life tolerable. Now it isn’t. I need to move to a place where i can have my weed, without being tyrannized, but i can’t afford it, because i’ve degraded too far, with nothing to help me cope with perpetually unbearable shit.
Nice and detailed. 😉
*@quoththeraven
@noonoo12- from around 9:30pm to 3am but sometimes I fall asleep at like 8:30.
@C4- trust me.. It takes all my strength to not blow all my money on booze and weed and sugar and anything that can distract me from this pain
@C4:
“Maybe I shouldn’t say this, (there are young minors here), but alcohol really helps put you to sleep. I guarantee that if you drink enough to where you can’t even stand up, you’ll sleep like a champ.”
Doesn’t work for me. I’ll sleep long enough for the spins to stop, and wake up restless, covered in either urine or sweat that smells like urine (because ironically enough, drunk-sweat often has that same chemical in it that pee does!). Not fun.
Nothing is as good as uninterrupted sober sleep. That way, it actually does what sleep is supposed to do.
@ theraven; What you’re describing helps put me to sleep, too. But it’s much nicer when someone else is in the same room.
Huh. So we don’t live in a “one size fits all” world. Ok.
@C4 to quote Mae West “Why don’t you come up and see me sometime?” LOL
Here’s an interesting fact.. I have to hold my upper body up with my arms when I sit in a regular chair. It’s become so normal for me I forget I do it. Needless to say I have very strong arms for my short size.
That’s what weed does to me. Makes me sleep. I think that’s why I don’t smoke much of it anymore. No point.
So you sleep less than 6 hours a night?
@theraven; I’m mostly lesbian. (Like 40 hours per week).
Yep! Like tonight I might only get 5 hours sleep. How much sleep do you get usually?
@C4 Really? How much does that job pay?
Depends. If I’m high (off ketamine) when I’m about to go to sleep, it could be anything from 8-12 hours. Probably longer if I wasn’t woken up.
Without any form of drug – about 5 hours if I’m lucky. Usually I have to do mini naps throughout the day.
When I take a nap it is a truly rewarding moment.
When I take one it’s sometimes somewhere completely stupid. Like on the bathroom floor or sitting upright at a table. Feels weird when I wake up.
Most of the time I go sleep in the empty bath.
@theraven; It’s more than just a job. It’s a lifestyle.
I’m going to bed now. Goodnight. 😉
Good nite! 🙂
Another totally random suggestion.. a friend had bad scoliosis and another had mashed up his spine in a bad mtn biking accident. Both of them found that strengthening the muscles through exercise.. specifically rock or gym climbing alleviated a lot of the pain.
Any number of reasons why this wouldn’t be practical but i just thought i’d throw it out there.
I understand your situation RT.
My chronic pelvic pain never stops, it hurts me every second of my day, 24/7 since I was 16-17 (2008). I’d take any medication cause what I take right now has no effect on me. Usually I can do normal things and live like a normal person and do pretty much everything; but sometimes I’m so much pain to even concentrate, just like you suffered last night. I’m sorry for you pain.