downward sprial

feeling real slow and spacey today. sleeping too much. very fatigued. bp is high again today. feels like the wheels are falling off the bus. sudden noises, movements startle me. i suddenly don’t feel safe. left the last therapy appt in tears. i have always talked to certain “confidants” in my head. in doing so i sometimes forget that those persons have no clue what is going on. i set myself up to be disappointed which then reinforces the no one gives a shit idea. my shrink feels he has to walk on eggshells around me because i am so tense . that isn’t what i want of course. but the behavior goes back to something that happened months ago. suffice it to say i was very embarrassed and angry. so i keep my guard up at those times. wouldn’t do to become a babbling mess for a 20 minute appt.  i know he reads the therapists notes, and that terrifies me. i don’t know what she wrote this time.but the whole incident scares me. at least i won’t have to go back until next month. out of sight out of mind. the coming darkness is coming for me. the inevitable downward spiral . stay tuned for the ride.