Last few days i’ve felt pretty lost. Not so much that i don’t know where i am, or where i want to go, but that i have no idea how to get there, or how to not be stuck where i am. It’s a different kind of lost; much more like ‘stuck.’
Kinda feelin’ like i gotta go.
I don’t really want to, but i can’t seem to find another way forward or out.
Need money, but can’t get it. And since i can’t get money, i can’t do anything but wait for more of my life to tick away into the abyssal past, unspent. So as long as i’m not actively dying, but can’t actively live… i can’t help but feeling like maybe this is just ‘it,’ and i should just accept it, and just go.
And this is “that moment when,” everyone says “you should talk to someone,” but i can’t… if i talk to someone, tell them i feel like i have to kill myself, because my life is too broken to fix, then they’ll freak out and want to send me away to some place, which will certainly convince me that i should have just killed myself, instead of saying anything prior. And upon exiting such a place, i’d be livid, furious, and would be incredibly short, sharp, harsh, unforgiving with everyone… which i’m sure won’t help anything. I’m not sure anything that will help anything, actually exists… and i don’t see much difference between nonexistence, ineffectiveness, and unavailability. I mean, sure, there’s a semantic, technical difference, but the results are the same. What i need is results… and the differences between the reasons i’m not getting them, are only relevant if identifying and understanding them, results in the problems being solved or bypassed, which is something i can’t seem to figure out… whether it’s due to solutions not existing, or being unavailable, or simply incompatible with my circumstances.
No one ever has my answers, but me. I’m always figuring something out, or some series of various things. I’m always too busy with small fires, to ever get around to anything else… and those small fires seem to always and continuously crop up, due to the carelessness of others in a shared environment i can’t escape. I need out, to bypass the time-sink of small fires, but i can’t get out, without money, which i can’t make until all the fires are out.
I guess i’m starting to dissociate again… which is an inevitable symptom of being stuck in a cycle of problems i don’t create, but can’t solve. I feel like i’ve spent my whole life telling people that, and how, they should stop creating problems that can’t be solved, or pay attention to stop creating excess requirements for living life, especially since those problems they either don’t care to avoid, or are too stupid to avoid, tend to affect others, not just themselves. But no one EVER fucking listens. They pretend to listen, act like i said something of trivial value, and then resent me for being smarter… and then right back to making more needless requirements to solve problems that don’t ever need to exist.
STUCK.
Wanna die, but don’t wanna die. Wanna scream, so they know they’re making shit impossible for me, to the point where i just want to say “fuck it!” and just off myself, messes and preparations be damned… but can’t say anything, because i know they won’t understand… because they’ve already decided to not understand… and they continue insisting on making and perpetuating problems i can’t solve or stand.
Ideally, idealistically, i really do want to live… but i can’t. I would rather live, but i feel like i have to die, because i can neither live, nor take this anymore, nor change what needs changing, because too much is wrong now, too much was wrong before, and too much will be wrong in the future i can’t avoid, because of all that remains in the way of fixing what’s wrong with today.
Surrounded by mountains of insurmountable obstacles, on all sides. Stuck where, how, when, who, what, why, i never wanted to be. All my life, i tried not to end up this way… and now look at me. And i absolutely cannot blame myself for this. My mistakes were rare, few and far between, and only a couple or few were ever “serious.” I was always considerate, thoughtful, mindful, helpful, caring, genuine, as honest as i could be, when i could be… and i always tried to give everyone a fair chance. But i suppose i lost my chance to be fair to myself, through being fair to those who obstructed and impeded me. I was fair to some, whom i should have been ruthless.
Anyway, fuck the past, i need to fix today. But i can’t. And that’s why i’m here. Yeah some stuff sucked about the past, in some ways that always will… but it’s gone, because that’s how living through linear time works, and it’s okay. What’s not okay is that, realistically, i cannot expect ANY of my tomorrows to be any better than my todays… which, like so many of my over one-thousand hated yesterdays, will be utterly unacceptable waste. And i can’t do anything about it, because i’m stuck here with reduced capability and capacity, putting out small fires started by others who won’t listen, and lacking the resources, or any opportunity to acquire them, so that i can even begin to rebuild myself, which i would need to do, to escape this living hell, by some means other than death.
I can’t decide how to spend the last of my dwindling funds. I don’t think i have enough to make a significant enough improvement… but i bet i could afford an exit kit… and i know i’m smart enough to be able to build it.
All i can think about, most of the time, is “i need to get out of here, but i can’t…”
And if i tell anyone how i really feel… i’ll end up in a worse place, stuck thinking to myself “i need to get out of here, but i can’t.”
I need to get out of here…
I need to get out of here…
I need to get ouf of here…
…
:sigh:
11 comments
There is a whole bunch I’d like to touch on with this post and your problem but I’m not sure I have much time and my wife is here blabbing in my ear as I do this.. So bare with me..
Lets trouble shoot for a moment!
I don’t know your area so you’ll have to think in your own head without giving me facts.
If I were you I’d strongly consider applying for jobs I wouldn’t normally want to work for. It’s not about the job.. It’s about the money. Work it, make it, save it, use it to get yourself to a place where you can find more opportunity suitable for you.
For fuck sake.. I had to leave the room because she just doesn’t understand that I loose my train of thought when she shows me YT videos. lol
Anyways.. Clever- I know you enough by now to know you don’t like outing yourself in uncomfortable positions so your not willing to subject yourself to certain discomforts. And now look at where you are.. In an uncomfortable position.. But I do remember you writing that it’s not your doing, that your “putting out fires” caused by some one else. I don’t really know the details. But I am familiar with feeling like I’m stuck..for sure. Putting out little fires to get myself on my feet again. It’s relentless how “bad luck” just builds and builds this wall surrounding every way out possible. Mean while the big fire gets bigger and bigger.
I’ve been to a point where I felt I was going to need to make serious choices..live in misery on the streets or die quickly before it got to that point. For me it took realizing that I need I make it in this life (as it is) with the pain and lack of opportunity. I have to live with the discomfort of failure if I want to live. And it’s because I choose to live with the pain and discomfort and to invite more, that is how I manage to get by. That’s how I managed to find a girl who loves me. It takes time and pain, but above all else it takes sacrifice of safety and comfort.
So as to not make it seem like I feel I’m giving you easy answers ill just say..
I know it ain’t easy being alive…period! I know how stuck you feel. When I think of your situation I envision an endless desert between you and your dreams. It’s sad..without knowing real details.
But in the desert…there is water.
One only needs to seek it out (I suppose)
If you are ever really going to kill yourself, please, hit me up first. Like if you are seriously going to kill yourself, at least do something fun and crazy before you do. Hit me up bro. I’m saving all my money because I need car, but I’d blow it all to help you if I could.
Clevername
trust me if you cry out to him and put your trust in him it can only HELP YOU!!!! Dont put your trust in men because they can’t do anything for you but god can and will help you my friend 🙂 dont kill yourself until you have sincerely called out to him and you will be helped!!! He will listen and he does have answers but you just have to believe and ask! you see you can’t do it on your own so why no look to our lord to show you the way??? he has a purpose for us all and if you turn to him he will show you the way 😀 trust in him
@RT:
I appreciate your response.
The most discouraging part is that it doesn’t even feel like despair anymore. Your analogy about a desert between me and my dreams… that’s like where i used to be, and probably where most people are. Now it’s more like the desert is infinite (effectively), and the dreams aren’t on the other side. The dreams are just in my head. It’s just me in the desert, with a head full of dreams i’ll never find. There is no “other side.” There is no eventual destination. There is no escape. There is just me… in the desert, burning and thirsty… with nothing to reach.
I used to cling to the hope of a worthy destination, or even just that i’d have worthwhile encounters along the way, and that used to keep me going. But now i can’t help but see that, for all intents and purposes, the only difference between doing my best, and leaving today, is the amount of suffering i will inevitably encounter, without any gains, in this desert that has become my entire world. Whether i do zero or maximum, all i’ll ever know is this desert.
I don’t know how to stay motivated to keep going to a place that i’ll never be able to reach, while the only path available isn’t even worth walking for its own sake, and doesn’t lead anywhere worth going. There’s nothing i can do but accept it, and let go. It’s like i realized my dreams are just dreams, even the most minimal and realistic ones… and without that, i have nowhere to go, no reason or energy to keep walking, no reason to keep looking for what isn’t out there, somewhere… but only exists in my mind. My dreams were just that: dreams. My life already ended, even though i didn’t die. It’s too late to do most of what i wanted to do, and i can’t do much with what’s left. There’s no reason to keep walking toward something that can’t be reached, that can only exist inside… in the mind… as naught but a dream.
Just as with any journey or achievement, the acceptance and greeting of death, that release, has a price… and right now, that brief cost of pain, seems like it would be the best value i could gain from my pains, due to the fact that one final surge would be the end… or perhaps a new beginning… but either way, whether a new existence, or oblivion… at least i wouldn’t have to be stuck in a place where nothing of value can be gained from the most pain i can deal with, and being stuck with the painful requirements of existing, even with no possible worthwhile gains.
It’s like no matter what i do, nothing will be what i want. So how can this life have value? All i can do is strive to subsist, by working against the only potential value i could bring. There’s no use existing just to fight myself, just to waste myself, just to persist in agonizing futility… so it can’t have value. And since it can’t, why should i fear or be sad about accepting defeat and letting it go? Some people just don’t make it. I feel like i understand why i didn’t, despite the best efforts i could give, which didn’t always match what i thought should be my potential best, but was always the best i could give. I did my best and didn’t make it, and though i still suffer, i feel that my pain has no value. It’s just arbitrary and without potential for gain. I’m hurting inevitably, burnt and thirsty, with no hope of ever being quenched, tempted to reach for impossible dreams, but unable to give my best for something i know i can’t reach.
I used to get a sense of fury or panic, when considering such things… whipping around in a cyclical frenzy… but now i just feel… empty… and calm. Like, if this is where and how it ends… then okay.
I suppose it won’t hurt much more than it already has, to wait a little longer and see if i start to feel any differently.
It’s all just sand, anyway.
@savedsoul:
lol. There is no god, except in people’s minds. I’m sorry you don’t understand, but today, i just don’t even care to debate or explain. You certainly don’t have to worry about me trusting anyone. That’s not something i take lightly, or give freely. My trust is earned, or not had at all.
So an interesting thing just happened…
2 different usernames, same IP address.
/strokebeard
Clever…. A job! Any job! Temporary! Is there nothing in your area? Nothing you’re willing to do?
See.. Just working a day in a different environment can inspire new possibilities. Just give it a chance.
I gotta run.. My wife is doing this 3 mile running event where they throw colorful corn starch and get all messy. …..and yeah! lol later!
Clevername
If I am doing anything to offend you I will stop just know al I want to do is help you!!!! and everyone else 🙂 but I wont continue if you all think Im being mean
Hey clevername. As you know my story is basically the same as yours. Sometimes I think I’m getting ahead, but while I may not be so ‘depressed’ as I was, I haven’t actually gotten any further. It is very discouraging, I concur.
However, when it comes to you, you are a brilliant guy, and you honestly have so much potential. You definitely *could* create that online business you want, or whatever. Maybe, yeah, you have to spend less time on here. But there are so many tutorials all over the Internet, and people who will help you. Or, perhaps you could even try to get a job in the working world for awhile, until you have enough to move to another area. There must be some kind of dignified position you could take up where you don’t have to do any ‘hard’ labour, nor something terribly menial. Perhaps working at a library might be a thought. It wouldn’t be too difficult for your physical condition, anyhow. If you did this part-time you might still be able to work on your online business.
You’re still young in years, even if you don’t feel this way. I honestly believe that you could achieve what you want. You’re a fighter. It sounds like you’ve always been a fighter. You don’t really want to die, but you don’t want to continue as you have. I know that feeling all too well.
I think that you should expend your effort in trying to get somewhere, in terms of employment. I know people who began their own business, and who are now doing okay. They have a nice home, and all that. I know you can reach that point, as well.
Don’t leave this mortal coil yet. Give yourself enough time to achieve something. Spend a little more effort each day, so that you don’t burn yourself out at once. Do not be discouraged if things fail to happen immediately. Eventually, the situation will begin to change to your liking, as long as you make the necessary effort.
Hang in there, man. You’re a great guy.
@clever: Thy gerbily salvation is at hand! Brother, I bring unto thee the good tidings of rodent-kind! Put thy faith in a fuzzball in a cage, and thine problems shall dissipate like the morning due unto the noon-day sun!
Erm…
Break it down into steps. Look at practical things you can do which will make things, “better,” whatsoever that may mean. For me, that was planting things all over the place around the house, which required seeds. So how to get seeds… well, there are germplasm repositories (what a weird name, eh?) that will send them to you for free, if you know how to find them. Everything is kind of like that, but it can be tricky knowing where to start. That’s usually the hardest part of it all.
Dew*
Holy fuzzballs, I’m not awake yet.