I cant stop the bleeding. My whole world keeps spinning farther and farther out of control and I can’t stop it or even get my head above water. I am still grieving the loss of my life’s work, I still miss my home so much, I miss having friends (my only friend has such a severe infestation of bedbugs that she has them crawling on her in public and I am exceptionally allergic). My fridge just died and I lost so much food, my car is making very odd noises, and my hormones are going beyond insane because I am starting through menopause. I am watching my long, beautiful hair fall out. I have absolutely no money and I just keep bleeding it out and out. I have known the fridge has been bad for a month and tried to save money but every time I try something else comes up. I am living with next to nothing – I have sold everything of any value and have no way to make more money. I don’t go anywhere unless it is an emergency to save money, don’t have cable, am on $5 a month dial up internet, the heat has been so low the past few winters just to keep going – just to keep the pipes from freezing, you know? I’m old and my body hurts – I can’t work a second job right now, I am so tired now.
I can’t stop the bleeding. I have no retirement, and there will come a day when I will be too old to work, and I will be drug out of my house and all my stuff thrown out because I can’t pay the mortgage. Where will I go? How will I live? How can I live in a homeless shelter and then they kick you out during the day in winter? Where will I go to be warm? What will happen to my cats? How will I survive? How will I get food, clean water, and clothing? Will I wind up insane, walking the streets and talking to myself? I damn near do that now.
These are all rhetorical questions. No one can answer them. No one can know the future, but I do know that I have no money, have no way to make more money, and will eventually run out of money and will be on the street. And, I would rather die than live like that.
The only question is when? When do I end my life? Where? how? I think I have to do it now, I am suffering. And, I see no way out. There is no hope.
5 comments
I wish I could help you, if had the money I’d help you in a spilt second, it’s not fair for anyone to go through. I’m sorry everything seems to be going wrong for you but please don’t kill yourself
I read back through your other stories to get a feel for what has happened and that is just so shitty. I see the job you held previously was your life and your true love. Is there any way in the world you could move and maybe get another park ranger type job? It sounds like it really gave you meaning in life. Or has the lack of meaning for so long caused you a depression you don’t think you can pull out of? For me, anywhere I go, my suicidal thoughts are still there. Ever since I started feeling this way, no place can pull me from it. It sounds like you actually found your heaven for awhile and I hope you get it back.
Thank you both for your kindness and responses.
I do believe I could and would pull out of this if I could find meaning again. I don’t mind moving but it seems there is little out there in the way of park type jobs. I’d have to rely on having another miracle happen in my life and I do not think lightning strikes twice.
Reading back through my post today I realize it sounds like all I care about is money (Not that I think either of you saw that, but I did). This is so far from true. I just want enough to eat and live indoors and buy a new fridge and not have to worry about losing my home. My old job was never about the money, it was about joy. You are so right. It was heaven, and not a day goes by that I don’t miss it with every breath.
Thank you for being here.
It didn’t seem like you were concerned about money at all! It’s very understandable, you just need the necessities. What was blaring in all your posts was the fact that you suffered a loss (that job) and a loss of a person or a job, it doesn’t matter, it’s still a loss.
I don’t pray much anymore, actually not at all, but I will pray you get some type of miracle because you could really push on if you were to find that meaning again, I can totally see that just from online.
Thank you for being you. You sound amazing.
Scarredkitty,
Thank you, thank you. And I am so sorry it has taken so long to reply, because your words mean a great deal. Thank you, and I appreciate the prayers and positive thoughts.
I’ve had an absolutely awful couple days and I just want you to know your words mean a great deal to me. I am grateful that you are here… and I think you sound amazing, too, and very caring.