I want the loneliness to end

I feel like I’ve had my chance of finding someone and it’s passed. I still miss people desperately who I’ve only written to online. I don’t even know how to write to people anymore. My depression is getting worse. I think I’m growing more suicidal daily. I’m completely hopeless when it comes to methods, I don’t have courage or money. I care about people so much but right now I’m completely selfish, I just want some of the pain to end. I almost hate the people who I love the most, which is so much worse than just being distant from them. I feel like something so terrible is taking control of me and it’s only getting stronger. I’ve been like this before, but I forgot what it’s like to be this empty, this sick and hateful about everything. I’m becoming something I don’t even recognise, even though it’s been stronger and weaker for years. I’m at a point where I can put aside everything I want or need as part of my life, if I could just end it. I’m so desperate to. I thought I was already at the worst point, but every part of the pain gets stronger eventually, even when you’d never expect it, even when you don’t understand what’s happening after a point.