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Losing it again

by cyanidesofmarch

“Dearest, I feel certain I am going mad again. I feel we can’t go through another of those terrible times. And I shan’t recover this time.”

– from Virginia Woolf’s suicide note

Sometimes I can feel distant warnings like the rumble of thunder clouds, but there’s no shelter in sight. And I think of all the hundreds of times I’ve been “soaked” by the storm, how horrible it feels to be cold, alone and meaningless. And I say to myself, like Virginia said, “I shan’t recover this time.”

I just took a handful of sleeping pills and guzzled a pot of coffee? Why? I don’t know. Nothing else makes any sense, so why not. Will they cancel each other? I just gorged on a plate of disgusting food and now I’m going to workout like a madman. Will they cancel each other? 10 years ago I found a dog and took her to the SPCA and they killed her. Last week I rescued a dog from the SPCA. Will they cancel each other? I was born and I will die. Will they cancel each other???

Another poet, Omar Khayyam:

“I sent my soul into the invisible,
Some letter of that after life to spell.
And by and by my soul returned to me
And answered, I myself am heaven and hell.

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6 comments

quoththeraven 9/7/2013 - 4:22 pm

Excellent, post. You eloquently described how I feel. I wish, I could elaborate more, but I’m too stunned into silence. Very haunting post.

iamsara198 9/7/2013 - 4:41 pm

“Dearest, I feel certain I am going mad again. I feel we can’t go through another of those terrible times. And I shan’t recover this time.”

– from Virginia Woolf’s suicide note

.. Dam i feel this way right now
Wish i had a bunch of sleeping pills to so i cold sleep the rest of this miserable day away and hopefully tomorrow would be a better one

cyanidesofmarch 9/7/2013 - 5:45 pm

Thanks rave. Sometimes I’m not sure if I make any sense at all. But maybe we’re plugged into the same nightmare today.

cyanidesofmarch 9/7/2013 - 5:47 pm

iamsara, how awful. For both of us. Yeah I know it doesn’t accomplish anything but sleeping pills at least blank me out so I don’t feel as much pain. They haven’t kicked in yet. I’m really regretting all that coffee

scarredkitty 9/7/2013 - 7:02 pm

I loved the two quotes but my favorite part was what you wrote about things canceling each other. This post moved me. Thanks.

cyanidesofmarch 9/7/2013 - 7:46 pm

Thanks, kitty. It means a lot that you felt what I was trying to express. Mothing seemed to cancel anything today, it just created more noise in my head. I guess there’s my answer?

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