I gave many people numerous opportunities to treat me better, but they failed when given this opportunity.
My parents, mom and dad, the people who brought me into this world:
You created numerous problems for me. If you had not spoiled me and had me rub it into most of my peers faces in school, I probably would’ve been better off. If we had not moved so much after sixth grade, I would’ve been better off, and there wouldn’t have been rumors that I was a slut with children at home started by the popular kids. Starting recently, dad, you began blaming me for the sexual abuse that I endured by your half brother. How is that my fault? Because I didn’t tell you? Well, screw you! You and mom basically refused to get me counseling when I finally asked. You guys also didn’t even ask me if I wanted to report it; you just made me do it. You didn’t care that I had to talk to male detectives. You just wanted justice, and I believe that you just wanted justice for yourselves. Dad, you yelled at me for watching Law and Order SVU. Why? Because it was helping me realize that I was not alone? Well, screw you for wanting me to suffer with the guilt and everything that goes along with it! I was 9, it ended at 12, and I told you 6 years after it started. Why did I wait so long to tell you? I already told the detective when mom was there: he threatened me! Dad also you told CLS that she could get her GED. That really pisses me off because I was forced to go to school until I graduated, and, then, you basically told CLS’s probation that it was my fault that you don’t encourage your children to attend college anymore. I think your words were I don’t encourage my children to go to college because she had a breakdown. So, according to you, I cannot achieve anything because I ended up at a state mental health facility? In fact, any time I brought up the word “college” or “job,” you shot it down. You told me “just volunteer.” I don’t want to just volunteer! Because of you, I don’t even want to leave the house anymore. You just labeled me as disabled for the rest of my life, and you discourage anything that can change that. Why? Because I basically given free money? I hate being on disability and SSI! I didn’t work for it, not a job or the armed forces or anything! You also told me that when I go down to visit my friend at the state mental health facility, not to think that I need to go back. Did you not notice that I had been more and more depressed? Obviously not. You were too wrapped up in your own lives, and it’s hard to miss when you are home all day, like you dad!
Sisters:
You have been caught up in your own worlds. CMS- you have two children and a fiance now. You don’t really have time for me. I’ve called you many times without any answer, and, usually, you don’t call or text me back. I tried my hardest to accept that you’re not my go-to person anymore. Does having all of that mean our relationship is over? That’s what it feels like. I was trying my best to accept that we are grown up and don’t need each other every day, but when you are struggling like I am, you can’t help but want that one person who has always be there for you. CLS- you are too wrapped up in boys to give a shit. You disrespect me and CMS all the time. When you were younger, you used us. Recently, you incriminated yourself saying that you told CMS that you were never going to get pregnant in high school like she did. Who cares that she got pregnant in high school? At least she graduated, is taking care of her children, and working on her college degree. She is even trying to get a job. And, you? What’s your story? Oh, yeah, you got arrested. Now, you’re on probation with random drug tests, community service, and what ever else they want from you! You think you’re the best child in the household. I ended up in a psych ward, CMS got pregnant at 17, and you were arrested. We’ve all screwed up. None of us are better than each other. I understand that mom and dad always said their favorite child was CMS, but aren’t we all supposed to be their favorite. If they wanted a favorite, they should’ve stuck with one child, but, if I were that one child, this probably still would’ve happened.
To my favorite staff at that state mental health facility:
I’m sorry to disappoint you. I know one of you had lost a daughter in an accident. Some of you lost one or both parents. Some of you have probably lost friends even. I know that you all tried to help me, especially you, Laura F, Lori, Janet D, Joyce C, Donny, Pat G, Ann Marie, Mary Beth, Debbie, and Barb. Those are just a few. I appreciate everything you’ve done for me, but I think it’s time for me to let go. I love you all for trying.
To my friends:
AKY and JB, you never text or call me. It’s a one-way road! It’s how it is with everybody I become “friends” with! I’m sorry; this should be the last time I disappoint you, as long as everything goes according to plan.
To my grandparents:
You minimized everything I said. You also discouraged everything I tried to do, just like my parents!
I think that’s everyone I want to say goodbye to. If anyone else is added, it’ll be in the comments section.
14 comments
?….. not to be rude or anything…..but why did you post your note on here? is this just your way of venting? Did you write out a hard copy? ….because it is very unlikely that if you do decide to go that they will discover your note on this site…..I’m not trying to be an ass or rude I was just wondering…
I wrote it because, after I take the final overdose, I will call a specific person from this note with my pre-paid, disposable cell phone restricted and untraceable, and tell them where to find this. I am going to lie about my whereabouts when I tell them I am staying at a friends house, which I technically don’t have any friends, but my parents don’t know that. So, this is all planned.
@PainNlife
I think she’ll print it and put it in her pocket, or sthg like that.
@babyjess21
I don’t really like suicide notes in general, but yours is well-reasoned, and explains clearly your motives.
What you wrote in the “To my friends” section is also familiar to me…
Have you ever tried to tell these things to your family/friends? Are there any chances that they would listen to you?
Oh okay… well that explains it….I was just curious that’s all
You don’t have to die
@ Hella
I have told my family, and they have been unreasonable. They blame me when I bring it up. I can’t be a victim of blame anymore.
@ Duke of Marmalade
If I don’t die by killing myself, I’ll die from loneliness or a heart attack later on. Painless by overdose (considering that I researched the medications that I intend on overdosing on— they will put me to sleep before the worst of it comes, like seizures, shallow breathing, etc.), painful by heart attack.
The song Untitled (How Can This Happen to Me) by Simple Plan sums up how I feel pretty damn well!
You don’t have to be lonely. There’s always someone out there that wants to be friends with you. I wouldn’t worry about the heart attack yet.
I have tried being friends with people, but nobody wants to be friends with someone who is bipolar and has attempted suicide numerous times. I’ve tried dating. Found a few guys, but to me it’s awkward. Probably because I’ve never dated before I was 19, even though I tried a relationship at 17. At around 17, I tried a relationship with a girl a year younger than I. It didn’t work because she wasn’t out of the closet to her parents, and I wasn’t comfortable expressing myself at school after we got caught and yelled at for hugging in the hallway by one of our teachers. Did it for my first time with a friend that I wasn’t in love with, ended up overdosing because I felt guilty because of my sexual abuse, and, then, I never heard from him again. I did it again with someone who convinced me to do it with him when I was home for a few days (the hospital allowed leaves when you were a certain level) after he said he would go out with me. I never heard from him again. I was already in a psychiatric facility, so nothing really went wrong. I tried dating another guy. He was nice, but he lived with his ex-girlfriend. When his ex-girlfriend kicked him out and he had nowhere to go, my parents offered him a room in our house. He went to get his stuff. His ex-girlfriend changed her mind, and he decided to remain living with her. I fell in love with a woman, which, after my sexual abuse, I felt closer to women than men. She was much older than I, but, for some reason, I felt a strong connection. I told her how I felt because it was eating me up inside. She told me that it would never happen, so I tried to move on. Before I told her, I tried dating another woman. She was around the same age as I, but that didn’t work because she didn’t want to move away from her family, and I didn’t want to move away from mine at the time. I tried dating another guy a couple months after I was discharged from the hospital that I met from a dating site, similar to eHarmony and Match.com, but that didn’t work for me because I felt uncomfortable every time he said the word date. He also said that he wanted children, but I have a hard enough time with my own self. How am I supposed to bring a child into this world when I can’t even take care of myself? Before him, I tried dating a friend from high school shortly after I got discharged from the hospital. I sent him a text message that told him that I didn’t want to talk to him anymore because I was depressed. I went into a short-term facility after that. I realized how stupid that text message was. I called him a few times and left messages telling him that I was sorry. Got discharged a few days later. Sent him a text message saying what had happened. He FB’d me a few days ago that he forgave me and that he wanted another chance. I’m sorry but he waited over 5 months to FB me. It’s not happening. I didn’t even reply. I want to make feel how I feel. But, I’ve realized that I don’t really have that great of a record for dating or relationships. The woman that I like, we still talk, but not as much. She is the person who has made the greatest difference in my life. I’m not doing this because of her though. I understand her reasoning, and I respect her tremendously. That’s why I won’t disrespect her by bringing her into my problems. I’ve also tried eHarmony, but I haven’t received any matches for two months which is why I’m canceling my subscription and asking for my money back for this month and last month. I’ve tried enough relationships. It’s not worth anymore heartbreak. Obviously, I’m not good enough for any woman that I’ve tried a relationship with. I hope that this explains the loneliness part.
As for the heart attack… My mother has had heart problems since her early 30s, less than 9 more years and I turn 30!
You’re rushing into it all the time. I might help to see a counsellor so that you’re able to come to terms with you’re past.
You’re still young and I think it’ll get easier. You have to find the right people to hang out with. You’re always looking for a relationship and I don’t know if you’re going to find what you’re looking for in a person without being patient and getting to know them properly.
I’m not always looking for a fucking relationship you prick! I wasn’t looking for a relationship until I was 21. I tried seeing a counselor. It doesn’t help. Why the hell are you judging me? If it weren’t for going to see my friend, I would do it sooner, but I don’t want to disappoint her. I fell in love with the older woman after many months. I didn’t tell her until more than 6 months after I felt those feelings. I’ve known her for a year and a half. I didn’t rush into that. I just told her the truth because everyone deserves the truth! I don’t lie very often, and, usually, the only things I lie about are where I am, who I’m with, what I’m doing and how I am feeling. Usually, it’s not as extreme as this! Do you understand? Or do you need me to spell it out? I AM KILLING MYSELF BECAUSE MY FAMILY AND FRIENDS SUCK BECAUSE THEY DON’T GIVE A SHIT ABOUT ME UNLESS I’M DYING OR THEY WANT SOMETHING! They were going to move to North Carolina, so they wanted me to give up an apartment and stay home with my sister. They didn’t like North Carolina the whole two days they were down there, so they came back. Then, they found out that I house that they liked that we lived in, in the past was back on the market, and decided that they wanted to move back there. At first, they said we’re going to move there, can you stay here and watch your sister? Sure, I guess is what I told them instead of telling them how I really felt, which my grandparents already told them how I feel. Then, they said, you won’t have to stay here. Your sister is on board with moving. I was pissed, especially because they are getting rid of a house that they only pay $300 a month as a house payment! That’s pretty damn stupid. So, now, after I was told that I wasn’t going to have to move for another 2 years, I have to prepare myself for living by myself with nobody around! No friends, no parents. I need human contact in my life. I’ve never lived by myself before. Once, I lived with just my grandfather and myself, but he was there to talk to me. I lived at a state mental health facility, but my family came to see me twice a month, and there were other patients, nurses, psych aides, doctors, therapists, etc. to talk to.
Whatever. Do what you want.
@babyjess
Don’t you want to try a flatshare with other young people? It wouldn’t be that expensive, you wouldn’t be alone, and you’d have time to recover from your traumas. I was also abused as a child, and moving in with others far from my family helped me somewhat. You are a valuable young girl, you are much better than most people in your generation. You really shouldn’t die 🙁