Really?

Ok, so this is just how I’m feeling. I’m not sure what to write as all I wanna do is cry. I can’t see any real light and feel bullied. Everyone always says how I’m the life of the party, the fun one. It’s funny how they can’t see it’s all one big act and I’m so dead inside that its not even funny. My rage at myself is constant, and I know it’s my fault, which further enrages me. I do stupid things just to feel. Just to feel alive. I know they will cause me more pain, and I know it will create issues but I do it anyway. I’m a villain. I disgust myself. I keep trying to be good and not be this fake version, but I can’t help it. People like this fake version, they think its grand and amusing. Funny how I’m not really laughing though ain’t it.