reasons not to

so i just read the post ‘reasons not to’.  The main reason many hold onto is the pain that such a thing will cause the few who truly love, many who like, and even the feelings of those who despise.  The idea that leaving is only a form of passing on ones own problems to those who u love most.  This is the one thing that stops me at my worst.

however, Can i express  a theory of life and its interactions.  everyone is familar with the effect one has on another.  it can be good and/or bad, these good or bad experiences can lead to good or bad things, but these good or bad reactions offer an  infinity of possibilities in relation to someone else’s life, one who has the strength to persist.

Either way every action has reaction.  some might believe an action is necessary if it is unable to be stopped.  Perhaps such an action is the way it is meant to be, causing repercussions which run deeper than just the emotions that one may feel when a loved one suicides.  if i kill myself, my loved ones will feel like shit, but this may lead them to make decisions in the future that take them to a greater place. perhaps my death is a sad lesson that someone might learn that will lead them to the place they are meant to be. perhaps such a sad circumstance could be the necessary catalyst to create not bad but good in the bigger picture, or just set a sequence of events that will actually help once i am gone.

what is so important about my life. everyone forgets the dead and moves on,  until emotional memories resurface. temporary pain, then these memories are avoided to avoid the impossibility of understanding such a decision . human coping mechanisms are well evolved. and the choices of other in all contexts can often be stored in memory as a lesson to others…

i write this in another moment of hating myself, for things ive done to myself, that have hurt the only one that cared. this is not a short scale time problem.  im 31 and a person who cares about others more than myself or so i like to believe and others tell me. my self analysis has always existed and tho i know i love im haunted by feelings of not being good enough.

i have many friends. when i find someone to love deeply, it works for ages, until my shadow starts making random decisions.  ive beaten my issues many times (drugs, self sabotage, self hate, perfectionism, seclusion), yet it always resurfaces, and that is what ruins everything id previously built.

im over trying again and again, causing pain to those i love the most again and again. my only personal alue is to hurt nothing. if i cause pain alive, the effect of death will possibly be a relief in the long run.  scale is an important part of analysis…

please tell me why not for a person with such beliefs, cause my reason to not is becoming more a reason to.  if my departure helps i should for the betterment that they do not realise yet. pain often crates beauty 🙂 🙁