Stigma

I grew up a timid kid because I was too afraid to think of the things people were saying or thinking about me. Not even the kid I remember calling me out in front of a crowd when I was masked as a privileged, popular, loving liar throughout high school. I was scared enough to never admit to anyone and not myself. I knew I would die before I told even myself that I was gay. I almost scared myself to death.
Not that I cant find a thing to be scared of for being gay, I never knew how to be loved by my first boyfriend. Alcohol, prescription pills, drugs, screaming, hitting only hurt others because I only felt highs and I learned how to abuse verbally and physically. I didn’t have friends, pride for a job, a memory of weeks that I never considered putting a bottle down, any more money for the trash ive lost track of not sleeping.

I am still untouchable, but I lost the only person that I really think loved me and I don’t want to fall asleep anymore to wake up in a few days… timid, lonely… like im 5 again. 25 years only means that i spent my whole life afraid. I dont want to grow up. I dont have the ability to be loved. When i think i want it again I remember that its just going to take longer to be gone.

I couldn’t die when I drank a bottle and slammed 120mg of xanax and drove off a freeway ramp. I didn’t die when I took everything i could get my hands on and washed it all down with more booze and in a hospital bed with woulds that i was too affraid to inflict.

So its me and my next 20 years of slowly laying back at rock bottom. trapped. at least im not affraid this time. I can deal with numb. at least those i hurt can breath.

This is a stigma and the cycle will end when the heart grows hard from being overworked.