Unfixable

I am sitting here with a cup of water, a pill bottle of 28 mirtazaphine sleeping pills. Each is 15mg, totaling to 420mg. I am contemplating whether or not I should kill my self, and I’m pretty sure I’m gunna end up doing it in an hour or so. I’ve been thinking things over the past few nights, and I am not in a bad family environment or bullied or anything. I’ve destroyed my relationship with my parents, my mom is all I really care about. My step dad is not at all like me, he adopted me, but we have nothing in common. I have used my mom over the years and broke her heart, I stole money from her, I’ve lied so much ill never get their trust back, she’s busted me for smoking pot. And recently I just got an underage for drinking. I was in the middle of the street crying and saying I wanted to kill myself. It was terrible coming home, but ever since that day I’ve been a wreck. That’s where I knew I’ve fucked up to the point I can’t fix anything, there’s no hope for me. I want to make things better with my mom but I’m scared to talk to her. I don’t know why. My dream in life is to join the marines for a few years, then go to school to go into law enforcement. Then move to colarado or Chicago or New York and start a life. But seeing the person I am, I’m not any of that material. I’ve never been this low in my life, I just want to end it all. I won’t break my moms heart anymore. I don’t know why I’m on here, I hate talking about it. But my plan is to take the pills one by one, and die in peace, in my bed, no gun, no blood, no mess. I’m going to write a note to my mom and dad. I don’t want to be remembered, I had a life chance and I fucked it up. I’ve talked to therapists and they haven’t helped, so I’m dealing with it my way. I just need someone’s thought, is 420mg going to kill me? I don’t want any pain, but if that’s what it takes ill deal with it.