My greatest fear is most terrifying, because I’m certain it will come true. I am so scared by the thought that I might just end up alone forever, but I even more scared to get hurt again in a relationship. Therefore, I will never try to build relationships again, and I will most definitely be alone forever. Damned if I do, damned if I don’t, ya know? And I’m at this college with a bunch of really great people, but then again, I met my first love here last year, and he turned out to be fake and evil. I don’t know what to believe about anyone anymore. You don’t know they’re untrustworthy until you give them your trust and they destroy it. And by then, you’re also destroyed. It’s totally lose, lose. Why do we bother? And relationships are the nectar of life. Without them, there really is no point to living. And that’s partially why I am where I am mentally. My loneliness makes me want to die, but I can’t do anything about it.
Then you add in existential depression—I’m depressed, because I have yet to really understand the point of life, and therefore, I don’t want to bother with it. It’s like, what the heck? We’re put on this planet, this horrible ball of corruption and filth, and before we even exit the womb, there’re all these expectations thrust in our lap. Born in a cage, chained to society, locked in this plexi-glass box where you can see all the possibilities in the world, but the rules keep you from experiencing them. What is this? Why? I didn’t ask for this, yet I’m supposed to be enthralled by the supposed gift I’ve been given. Bull. I wouldn’t have chosen this. Life maybe, but life in this prison? No. The only way that I can continue living is if I know I can live life how I want to, but I can’t. I have to get a degree, I have to get some stupid 9-5 job, I have to find some man that I can pretend to love and pop out a few children to repopulate this cess pool, I have to work until I’m crippled and dying, and then I have to die. I have to, I have to, I have to. And what for? Just to die anyway? Fuck that. I want to revolt, but I am a tiny speck. So the only other way I know to fight back is to kill myself. It’s not a loss for me at all. I didn’t want this life in the first place. It’s not that I want death, but it’s my only alternative.
But if only life were the things of our daydreams. I want to swim in the Mediterranean. I want to see Machu Picchu. I want to hang glide over a canyon. I want to hike the Appalachian trail. I want to eat food from every country and meet people from all over the globe. I want to live from my backpack and the kindness of strangers that I meet in my travels. I want to sip coffee in a French café. I want to drink wine fresh from the vineyards in Italy. I want to fall in and out of love with a Spaniard in a day, just long enough to feel what it’s like. I want to gulp a vodka in Russia and see the Taj Mahal in India. I want to walk where Jesus did in Israel. I want to see the pyramids in Egypt. I want to see a polar bear in person. I want to do everything there is to do. How can such an imaginative mind be locked up and confined? It’s wrong, so wrong. Whether I die right now or 50 years from now, I will never get to experience one bit of what I want. And there are billions just like me whose lives will amount to nothing, whose experience will be uneventful and even horrifying and painful and sad. And again, I ask why?
5 comments
We could hitchhike all the way to Brazil and find a nice secluded jungle to romp through – there are surely some interesting things in there, somewhere.
because those who came before us couldn’t figure out a better way… so we’re stuck with what they made, until or unless we can change it.
Jeez. Youth these days. They think too much.
J/k. Well what’s stopping you from doing any of those things? Try to do well in school, get a decent job, and then you can travel. Don’t sweat over the longterm stuff. Take things as they happen. You’ll meet someone else you like, because not everyone is a psychopath. You’ll have a good life yet. You have ambition and imagination, and those are the most important factors. Keep it together and don’t drop out of school and you’ll do fine.
We are all on a mission in life..
We are dropped into this world with little information and guidance to find purpose. There are evil people everywhere, opposition at every corner. It wasnt any of our choice to be here, but we have this responsibility to this life, we must set an example for everyone.
Your last paragraph pretty much sums up what I want to get out of life as well. One step at a time.. You will find your purpose.
You sound normal and quite sane to me. I envy you in many ways actually.