Nothing

It’s a Monday night and I’m sitting here staring at this page.  Thinking where to begin.  Thinking how to start.  What have I done today?  The same thing it feels like I do every day.  Nothing.

I don’t know why I’m doing this.  It isn’t anything I’d normally do.  The truth is, I’ve always been content to sit back and absorb whatever came to me.  Bottling up my own problems to avoid burdening others.  It wasn’t like anyone ever wanted to listen, anyway.  So I throw myself upon the anonymity of the Internet in the vain hope that I don’t burst.

Maybe I should start at the beginning.  I’ve been depressed since 11th grade – longer, to be technically correct, but that is when I remember hitting the breaking point.  After years of bad psychiatrists and medication, here I am.  I’m seeing a therapist and taking more medication, but I still think of dying all the time.  I’d want nothing more, in fact.  There are many reasons for this, but I’ll try not to bore anyone too much with the details.

Every day is just scraping by, wasting time until I die.  I look to the future and I see nothing, just empty bleakness.  I’m drifting.  My therapist declared me unfit to work and with my problems, I probably never will.  Not that I necessarily want to, because the world is an empty place full of horror and shallow materialism.  At least it could be accompanied by other people, but no, I never could do that right.  I’ve been alone for a long time.

I’m sorry for saying a whole lot of nothing.  I don’t expect anyone to read – no one ever does.  That’s the problem, I don’t know how to be heard.  I see everyone else with their connections and I wonder why I can’t make any.  But no, I have to be different.  I can’t talk to people.  Somehow I slip through the cracks, every time, when all I want is someone to care about me.

I don’t even enjoy doing anything anymore, so it isn’t even worth crawling on another inch suffering from this curse.  I wish I could get out of here.  Sometimes when I’m driving I have a strong impulse to drive into a brick wall.  Whichever way will speed up the process.

I came from nothing and I return to nothing.