All of my life, I’ve been told that if I told anyone how I was feeling that I would get taken away from my family.
All of my life, I’ve been told that suicide is for the weak and no one will mourn me when I die.
All of my life, I’ve felt like a stranger in my own body. My father told me that I was his property. Not a person, but only a piece of property. I wasn’t ever abused physically or sexually, but mentally I have been. I’ve been confused and tricked by my own father to tears, just for his amusement. I was a shy child, so even the smallest deceits were so very cruel. My father claims to not remember all of these bad things, but I know he does. Mother and father say to let go, but how can I? I don’t have any happy memories, only the bad ones.
When I was very young, my father told me that I was not a person. That he would not save my life if I needed him to. When I was 4.
All of these things have stuck into my mind, like burrs that I can’t shake loose. They stick to the back of my eyes when I try to sleep. I have vivid, surreal hallucinations that I dare not tell anyone. I don’t want to be shut up in a room, locked away and observed. I’ve worked in a hospital, the people in psych wards scare me. I don’t want to hurt anyone. I don’t have voices telling me to do things to anyone. I’m tired of being observed by the things that I know aren’t real.
I remember my first hallucination. When I was a small child, I opened our patio gate to reveal dead me standing there. I was looking into the blind eyes of me as a corpse, dripping wet and pallid and bloated. Then dead me took my arm and bit down. Ate me to pieces and left my eyes there to stare at the sky. I think my parents found me lying there, on the front porch. I know that these things aren’t real. But I can’t help but be scared.
More recently, when I moved out onto my own, my depression and fear and visions have gotten worse. My first fiancee left me a handgun for protection. When he first brought the gun, I couldn’t help but eye it greedily and plan out how I wanted to shoot myself. He took it, when I broke off the engagement, but there were several nights when I woke up in the middle of the night with the barrel of the gun in my mouth. I regret not pulling the trigger every day.
I’m afraid to use pills, I know that the body will throw them up and I know that it will hurt. Sometimes, I try to hang myself in the closet with a scarf, but I usually wait too long and get lost in my thoughts and my husband comes home. I hate being so slow about it. I don’t think it’s doubt that is stopping me, only time and errant thoughts. I know that there are many people that will miss me and mourn me when I die, no matter what father says. I try not to think about them. All I want is to belong to myself, and not anyone else. I don’t want to be someone else’s property.
11 comments
I really empathize with you! Really , do. I am just like you. I don’t want to be someone else’s property. I just wanna belong to myself but I guess others will never understand people like us. I don’t have many great memories either. My father loves me and he knows that he can’t force me so he uses emotional tricks on me knowing that I am weak (I think). He says great stuff about me and says that I can adjust. I havent eaten in almost a week properly and not even one meal at home and mom doesn’t give a shit. She thinks I am torturing her but she doesn’t understand. I get it how difficult it is to commit suicide, I get that. People like us are always waiting for a miracle to happen which I guess just never happens.I can just wish the luck to you for a happy life and hope that you can get out of depression.
i will try not to be judgmental….*ugh*…i can’t.you are not no one’s property.you are by yourself.and if your father was mean on you,it is his problem not yours.and you were just a kid about that time.so maybe he said that because he loves you so much.anyway you are not a kid anymore so it is time to growup mentally.their are lot’s of people’s with “huge” problems.and you are cry’n because of your fathers “words”.well their is a world besides your father and his words.and i think it is time to find them.here is a help…..how about giving your husband love.how about having kids,how about vacation.you know what i am saying right?hehe
I’m so sorry this happened to you. A child never be made to feel the way you did. What your father did was wrong.
Have you ever considered writing? I’m not sure if you realize this, but you have a very lovely writing style, and your imagery is beautiful. You have a gift. Your childhood experiences, and battle with hallucinations would make powerful material.
I also would like to offer a bit of perspective, just from your post, and please correct me if I’m wrong. You say that your father told you weren’t a person and he would save you even if you needed him to – wouldn’t killing yourself just confirm his vial words? Personally (and forgive me because I tend to be very imaginative), I have this vision of you writing a memoir of sorts (it could be fiction based on your experiences), and forever condemn the man who dared called himself your father in words. Tear him down and expose him for the cruel man he was/is and prove to him you don’t need him and will never need him to save you, because you saved yourself. You are your own person. You are hero of your own story – you don’t need to be saved.
Like I said, your voice is beautiful. Please don’t silence it.
I’m here for you if you would like to talk.
Joinel, you assume that I don’t give my husband love or that I have the time/money for a vacation. You clearly don’t understand what this is all about. Being suicidal/depressed isn’t about being in some hole that you can pull yourself out of. It isn’t a physical threat that I can just avoid. It is the fact that I feel so numb to everything. I can’t enjoy anything. It isn’t a mindset; this is a disease.
It is so incredibly painful to not be able to help myself out of this. I know that there are lots of problems out there; many so horrific that I can’t even fathom them. I wish I could help those people. I wish that I could help myself. I know that I should see a doctor but I am so afraid of being locked away. I am not “cry’n” because of my father “being mean” to me. It’s about the fact that my parents set it in my mind that bad things happen to those who ask for help. Even though I am an adult, I am still fairly young (21) and my life with my parents is not far behind me. I don’t know how to be happy.
And honestly, that’s pretty much terrible advice. “You’re thinking about killing yourself? Just go on vacation! Just bring children into this world! Teehee. Just forget your father’s words, it’s not like that guy ever mattered in your life anyway!”
So, the fact is that your father did not have it. He did not have the emotional depth and compassion that a child has the right to expect. In fact, few of them do. It’s just a fact.
You say, “Mother and father say to let go, but how can I?” Yes, this is the question. How can you? There is a way; forgiveness. Forgiveness is the letting go of all that hurt without the demand that they acknowledge their shortcomings or that they receive their comeuppance.
The workbook of The Course leads directly to this place, where forgiveness is seen as possible, desirable, and available at the small cost of being right. The great psychological barrier, the great road block, against which all progress is impossible, is simply the holding of the one bit of seeming “high ground†left to the bereaved and that is being right.
I do not contend that your memories of what happened are false. They are certainly true for you. What I am saying is that you can change your mind about yourself, your place in the universe, your worth, and that, by doing so, the universe will change with you. This is the power of forgiveness.
G.W.
LetsTalk, I never thought about it like that. I’m just tired. I don’t want to prove my father right or give him any satisfaction from my not being alive. When I was in my teens, my view was that if I killed myself, everyone would have proof that he failed as a parent. I’m just tired. I just want to belong to myself, and if I weren’t alive, no one could claim me.
that is not a terrible advice,that is a real advice.i don’t want to be like other commenters who said.i have the same problem bla…bla.but getting your self in this situation just because your father said,”you are my property”.that is just disrespect to others who have lot’s of problems which you can’t think off.because if you know what others are going through,you could have been satisfied with your life more than enough.hey,but you know may be it is not your fathers words that drive you here.maybe it is because your mind is producing excess “something”(i am not sure the word)anyways go to a doctor he will give you some antidepressants.they only take you to mental institution if you tell them you are suicidal.so visit a doctor and i am sorry if i was what ever i was.
Hi Warbler. Yes, you are so right! You don’t want to prove your father right or give him satisfaction from not being alive. I would want you to prove to your dad that you are someone, and special. And that he didn’t win.
Is it possible for you to cut him out of your life? or, force him to hear what you went through, and have you demand some sort of sincere apology?
I feel that parental abusers have to be FORCED to apologize and have it be deeply sincere and they have to feel honest remorse. He might have been “joking” in his mind, but you were traumatized and he must know this. And when he says, well what can I do about it now? He can beg for your forgiveness, and beg for you to stay in his life. And every time he sees you he has has to exhibit that remorse for causing you so much damage.
If he refuses or is unable to feel empathy for his daughter, he is gone from your life. And I wouldn’t want you to experience a moment of guilt for leaving him behind. You will grow and blossom, and he will shrivel.
I definitely understand your tired. That much pain is physically exhausting – literally – your body will drain itself.
I guess the way I see it, is if you’re not around then everyone will claim you. There is no better way to destroy your personhood than to destroy yourself. You won’t get to set your own story. The people who are survived by you will make their own assumptions and create their own memories and stories. They will imagine how you felt, what your trials and tribulations were – they will design their own narrative. You will be powerless because you silenced your lovely voice.
Do you work? Or are you in school? I am fortunate enough to have a husband that understand that sometimes I need to be my own person and he supports me in my endeavors. He understood when I needed to take a break from school or quit my crappy job to be me. I mentioned writing, but do you even like writing? What do you enjoy doing? When do you feel like you the most?
Wow, I can empathize with some of this (minus the part about the gun and the hallucinations – you may be schizophrenic – pills could help?). I don’t know what to tell you, but I hope you’ll be okay. Is your husband aware that you’re suffering? Perhaps you might want to consider telling him a few things, especially if he’s the supportive type. Do you feel trapped with him? Perhaps you and he could discuss your expectations of each other, and if you don’t feel you have enough freedom, this problem may be able to be addressed.
Joinel, I too have acne scars, and severe ones at that. But I don’t go around telling people who were severely mentally abused to believe that they are not worthy of possessing their own lives… that their problems aren’t big enough. Your acne scars don’t make your problems any more important than other peoples’. Yes they are hard to deal with, I know. All too well. BUT the emotional damage that has been done to this poor lady at such a young age has obviously warped her image of herself and it’s much more than “sticks and stones breaking her bones”. It’s her father and mother figures, the two most influential people in helping you shape your view of yourself and telling her she’s nothing may stick with her longer past her 20s. That’s not a miniscule problem. I’m not minimizing your problems Joinel, because they are obviously severe enough to bring you here. But please, don’t minimize the OPs problems.
OP, your story is heartbreaking because not only do you desepertaely need help of some kind but the very people who caused you to need this help are the same ones who made you afraid to get that help. Do you still have contact with your parents? If so, I’d say limit is as best as you can. They seem toxic, truly.
Unfortunately, the only way to get through and past toxic events, is to forgive all who were involved in creating them. Your father may have felt “owned” or wasn’t treated like a worthwile human being by his own parents. Though no excuse to have treated you like this, maybe understanding his history a little bit would enable you to forgive and heal and move on so you don’t continue the cycle. (not saying you will but studies have shown that what we are victimized with, we will often do to others ourselves, if we still have a lot of unhealed hurt associated with it). I hope you can seek help and I hope whoever you seek help with won’t automatically deem you institutionalize worthy because of your hallucinations. All they’re really worried about is if you pose an imminent threat to yourself, so just promise them you don’t intend to hurt yourself in the near future at all,a nd they shouldn’t have any reason to lock you up.