I Just Want The Pain To Stop.

I know, I’m going to sound dramatic, like a stereotypical teenage girl, but I just want to let it out. So, my story starts here with a girl named April.

There’s this girl I like, April, and she lives in Newfoundland which is far away from where I live. We met online, talking and just being silly. She made me happy again, I believed she had saved me from slipping back into depression. A month ago, she told me that had liked me and my goodness, I felt like I was on top of the world, the girl I had been crushing on actually liked me back. I was smiling, a real smile, it was like it was cut into my face, plastered there to stay. After that night, we stopped talking for a few days, then she was with someone else. I don’t know why it hurt so much, knowing she was happy with someone else, maybe it was because I wanted her to be happy with me and only me. It felt like someone had ripped out my heart and just set it on fire and forced me to watch. I shook it off though. I pretended to be happy for the next few days, but I didn’t realize I was slipping back into my worst nightmare’s arms. Soon, we started to talk again. She told me I was ‘lovely’ and I know compliments are supposed to make you feel good but it just hurt more because I was thinking ‘oh, she doesn’t mean it, she says that to everyone.’ Soon she just stopped talking to me again, I felt like she had forgotten me, I felt as if she was trying to exclude me from her life all together. The girl who means the most to me doesn’t even think about me, doesn’t even talk to me. But she’s running through my mind every second, I wait for her name to pop up on my phone screen.. She’s much happier though now that she doesn’t talk to me. It still hurts knowing she’s with someone. I want to get over her but it’s not easy at all, I thought it would be as easy as the alphabet. But isn’t it funny how someone who once made you smile and laugh, someone who once saved you from the monster known as depression, can be the reason you fall back into depression?

Let me talk about my ‘friends’ now. They all make fun of me and laugh at me and call me names but they all say it’s a ‘joke’. The thing is, I know it’s not a joke because the things they tell me are the same exact things I think about myself. They aren’t even there for me but I’m there for them 100%, can you tell me how that’s even fair? I’m not even second best for them, no, I’m just the fucking puppet they can slap around and move at their will. They don’t even care about me. They don’t even think about how it effects me. One day, I hope that when I die young, they regret every single negative thing they ever said about me.

The kids in my school are jerks, automatically judging you for being or looking different. Most of the people in my grade call me ugly and fat and are just rude. They call some people annoying and bitches when they aren’t any of those things! They don’t even know they could be the death of someone later on.

I’m just so tired of all this pain. I’ve turned to cutting as my only escape now. It makes me feel alive somehow. I think my life book is going to expire soon. I feel as if ending won’t be so happy. I’ll never get a happy ending. I don’t think I’ll ever live to have my first kiss or first slow dance or first kid. I don’t think I’ll live like enough to experience my first anything, to be honest. I hope anyone with problems are stronger than me. I hope they end up getting help so they live and can smile again.