I think about suicide a lot. Itâ€™s a thought that never really leaves. At times itâ€™s threatening, but mostly it just sits in my mind as I ponder the thought of not existing here. Sometimes I wish I could just disappear without anyone remembering me or missing me, it would be as if I had never been. Other times I think about the reality of suicide and what it would do to everyone around me. Surely people would be devastated, my family and friends would miss me, and everyone would wonder what had pushed my smiling face over the edge. Maybe itâ€™s a selfish thought, but sometimes I imagine all the people crying at my funeral or finding out about my death, I imagine them getting angry at themselves for not knowing and feeling sad that I am no longer with them. I think about how the news of my death would eventually become a fact that people would get over. My classmates that never really knew me would move on and the ones who loved me would learn to accept life without me. With or without me, life would go on for them. I wonder if after I died, I would get to watch the destruction I created and regret my decision or if I would simply be dead, lifeless, and thatâ€™s it. I wonder if God would be disappointed in me for giving up or if he would welcome me with open arms. I think about suicide a lot. Iâ€™m alive though and although every day is a battle just to overcome my thoughts, I really do plan on staying alive until itâ€™s truly my time to go.
I can relate….I feel this way almost everyday as well…A burden to carry huh? I have recently talked to my husband about it and he just says “im attention seeking” oh yeah , because all the wonderful attention I receive is just beautiful…Actually noone really pays any attention to me, and I have learned to accept it….. Is it your life? is it maybe meds you feel like this?
Done! i got an extension on chrome that quite does the same thing.
oops, sorry wrong post. u can delete that comment.
I swear, you’re taking these words straight from my mind?!
It might be coincidental that for the second post in a row you’ve expressed a thought that I’ve also had at one time or another. Not to say that it makes me an expert in the matter, but at least it gives us some common ground.
I will say that constantly having suicide on your mind is detrimental to a healthy state of mind (and maintaining a beautiful smile of course) but, and I must stress this, DO NOT fantasise about it. That’s a kettle of fish you do not want to experience, as I have at various points in my life.
I will point out that those thoughts of regret that you’d have for leaving your loved ones in a state only confirms that not only do you really have a heart, but there IS a way through this for you, okay?
I hope your “time” doesn’t come for a long while yet.
Once, when I was younger, I was forced to go to counseling by the school counselor. My parents refused to admit that anything was wrong with me and they, along with my new counselor, came to the conclusion that I did it for attention. I feel as though people who think we do this for attention only think that because they can’t understand the real reason. It doesn’t even make sense, if it was for attention then why would I try so hard to keep it a secret? I am not on any meds, I’m currently not going to counseling or anything, I’m supposed to be, but it never helps me much.
I really enjoy reading your comments. It’s extremely comforting to know that someone feels the same way I do. In my life I have absolutely no one to open up to. When I was in high school I was very close with the school counselor, that probably sounds weird but she truly cared a lot about me and I could go to her for anything. After I got out of high school she was no longer allowed to counsel me and so I’ve been coming here to get my feelings out. At first my suicidal thoughts were very alarming, I was terrified of them, but now they have just become a part of my life. I don’t quite understand the thoughts, but I try not to let them get the best of me. I know there is a way through this, I’m just not sure which way that is quite yet.
In saying that they (your suicidal thoughts) have become a part of your life, you must now accept that they will always be with you. Even through the happiest days in your life, they will always be lingering somewhere in the back of your mind.
So, not only do you have to find a way through the dark spots and bad times, you also have to find a way to cope with them afterwards.
“Doing it is the easy part, but living with it is what separates you from those who have been consumed by it”