I think about suicide a lot

I think about suicide a lot. It’s a thought that never really leaves. At times it’s threatening, but mostly it just sits in my mind as I ponder the thought of not existing here. Sometimes I wish I could just disappear without anyone remembering me or missing me, it would be as if I had never been. Other times I think about the reality of suicide and what it would do to everyone around me. Surely people would be devastated, my family and friends would miss me, and everyone would wonder what had pushed my smiling face over the edge. Maybe it’s a selfish thought, but sometimes I imagine all the people crying at my funeral or finding out about my death, I imagine them getting angry at themselves for not knowing and feeling sad that I am no longer with them. I think about how the news of my death would eventually become a fact that people would get over. My classmates that never really knew me would move on and the ones who loved me would learn to accept life without me. With or without me, life would go on for them. I wonder if after I died, I would get to watch the destruction I created and regret my decision or if I would simply be dead, lifeless, and that’s it. I wonder if God would be disappointed in me for giving up or if he would welcome me with open arms. I think about suicide a lot. I’m alive though and although every day is a battle just to overcome my thoughts, I really do plan on staying alive until it’s truly my time to go.