So that happened again. i stumbled to it, or rather say it stumbled to me, again. have i got anything? have i learned anything this time? i have, as always, but what does it matter? this impenetrable web of life is still impenetrable. can i produce that state again? all i can do is think and will…all that it leaves behind is memories. and what does that matter…all that is part of this web. and part cannot rebel against whole. all it can do is “think” of rebelling, but it can never rebel…all it can do is “think” of getting out, but it can never get out. what has ever been achieved by thinking and willing…nothing.
i may point out a few things..that being living in the present moment…having the Now complete unto itself…but what does that matter. world, and for that matter-life, is run by result oriented mind. just by saying a thing is not going to make it possible. all i’m doing is stating a property of “that” state…a state that’s transcendental, a state that CANNOT be produced by anything of THIS world.
But atleast it has renewed the trust, after a long time. it may give me motivation enough to try again with a new start. i also think that it is said that it takes even a fully dedicated monk atleast 6 years to fully eradicate his mind from defilements and get to the state where there is no contradiction….and here i am, sitting at my home and hoping to get it in one stroke of thought! and they must be facing same problems that i’m facing…what’s the difference afterall, we both are humans with essentially the same mind. its just that i just think and they actually do.
another thing i found is reason of this hatred. its this circle of fear and desire (fear of people and desire of recognition…although its not in exactly that form)..but i don’t think i can even touch them, let alone winning over them. here is a realization: cause and effect, one thing leads to other. there is a reason for hatred, and there must be a reason of its reasons too i.e. of fear and desire, and then their reason too… upto maybe infinite…how far can one go? and i think one cannot solve a problem by studying and acting on the problem alone. the problem is a kind of shadow, an echo of its cause. so trying to work on shadow is a waste of time. the main thing is working on its cause. but then that cause itself is the effect of some other cause…so.. how far can one go? its a web. life is a web of cause and effect. we just happen to come in the middle somewhere… where can we start? what can we change?