quaero

Passions that occupied my mind, passions that ran very deep and felt like they will never end… it seems they were all fleeting. Maybe all passions are fleeting. Just things to occupy the mind for the time being. And now, after living alone in my tiny room for nearly two years, they are all gone. Leaving an empty shell behind. Looks like they couldn’t endure the absence of interactions/active things. J. Krishnamurti said, “To live is to live in relationships.” Interactions, relationships, that’s the food of passions. Without them, in its brute/naked form, life is perhaps empty.

That’s what my life has become. Empty. Even my hate for society has reduced a lot, has taken a rudimentary form. And that’s not at all, not at all a positive thing. Without a rebellion, without an enemy, you lose the will to fight. So now I don’t even feel like working. Because why work? for whom? Earlier it was the rebellion that was propelling me on. Now that’s gone. I haven’t worked for 2 months. I guess that’s what’s making things worse. Work is a good timepass. it fills your mind, not allowing you to reflect on your emptiness all damn time.

It is becoming unbearable. No hate, no desire, no remorse for wasting time/life. That’s the stuff of the human life. What is life without it? A passionate suffering is worth 100x more than this. Plus, though it might appear to share some properties from outside, it is not like what spiritual people suggest. Because I didn’t create this, it was forced upon me.

recently I had developed a skin disease. was in a lot of pain for 1 week and after treatment I felt very weak. I needed that. I needed to be humbled. Because I hadn’t been ill in last few years and so perhaps had forgotten about this aspect of life. I tried to achieve self sufficiency. But that’s pointless when life is so fragile in so many way. You know, it is said that it is the body in which our deepest of the deepest philosophies is contained. It is the body in which our psychology is contained. Nietzsche used to say that all his ideas and teachings are only for healthy people, because under sickness even ideas turn sick. I felt that in my moments of sickness. Like a crappy midas touch where everything, even my previous favourite ideas, developed a kind of gloom when I touched them. That just showed me how wrong/incomplete/one-sided my thoughts and ideas were.

What I’m fearing most is that I might move back home. Home that I always hated, home where my narcissistic parents live. That’s how empty I’m feeling. Look, earlier I had a valid reason. I had a vague meaning in life, some desires, lots of hate. That was enough to absolve me of my responsibility. Now with these things gone, that responsibility is unbalanced and is pulling me towards itself. (The responsibility I’m talking about is this: My parents are getting old. Soon they will need someone to take care of them. As their only son it’s my responsibility.) It is not the past that matters, it is how you feel about the past. I don’t feel much about it anymore. So there is no counterbalance. With no prospects and no past effects, I can’t avoid this.

One day of feel good and trying for better results in three days of degradation. Shit man it’s impossible, bloody impossible. I just cannot choose and I just cannot take side, no matter how ingeniously I try every time. Every plan fails with me.

“He who has a why can overcome any how”  –  Friedrich Nietzsche

I wish I had a purpose. To have a purpose is a great thing. It alone can make one overcome all obstacles of life. It transforms a person. It gives him incredible strength. It can make him detached from all his weaknesses. He becomes a yogi. A man with a goal. It gives fulfillment, it gives life a satisfying occupation. It is everything one can ever hope for.

I wish I had a purpose. Without a purpose, all that is left to oneself is oneself. Then I just focus on myself and my feelings. And feelings are untrustworthy friends. They belong to nobody. You just can’t build a house on them. They are our animalistic instincts firing randomly. They are not worthy to live my life on. But without a purpose, they’re all that are left to me. I just focus on them, and how to satisfy them or how to feel good instead of bad. And there are entire modern treaties and researches written for the last line, … but it amounts to nothing. It means nothing. I know the more I try to feel good the more I feel sick and pathetic. That’s just how it always is, no matter what trick or knowledge I apply; that’s the tao of my life.

Truth-seeking is also a form of validation-seeking. We seek truth so that we can act based on that.

I wish I had a purpose. It has to be something intrinsic, something born out of my very depth & being, something natural, so that no duality can arise. It has to be my choice, which is actually not a choice but resultant of being. Science, Buddha, Present Moment – these are all ideas I gathered from outside. They can take one only so far. I can’t escape/overcome myself using them. Tod aasmanon ko, foonk de jahanon ko, khud ko chipa na payga tu (Break the skys, burn the worlds: hiding yourself you won’t be able to do.)

Without a purpose, I have nothing else but to fall back to my animal instincts, to fulfill sensual pleasures/feelings. But what does it do? It makes me want to break my head. Good for those who like them, but to me, these temporary pleasures are worse than no pleasure, these temporary fulfillments are worse than no fulfillment. They look like mockery of human existence. All these thoughts, feelings, emotions, they make me sick. Rotting random useless bumps. But mind without a direction has no option but to fall back to them.

I am probably going through transition phase. Things are looking inert. I am not focused on anything. It is good. This inertness feels good. It won’t last long though, a day at max.

I don’t like material differences that exist in the world. I find it unjust when a worthy person can’t reach where he deserves to be just because of lack of good headstart or financial backing. Money is not a very important thing. We, especially here on SP, know what really matters in life to make it fulfilling. And money is not it. So I absolutely don’t like it, and personally feel guilt, when a depressed and suicidal person is pushed over the edge because of financial problems. Their life… Our life is already full of issues. We can’t help each other in many of them – Abusive childhood, relationships, meaninglessness… – but let’s help each other on an issue that shouldn’t be there but still somehow more often than not proves to be the final nail in coffin.

This is what I propose: an SP fund. By SP users. For SP users.

Members who have extra money with which they would like to help a fellow user can contribute to it. Such members, or any member who is willing to contribute, are welcomed to contribute in a fund that we will create. From this fund we will help those SP users who need a temporary or immediate financial support. For example, someone who has got to a situation where he doesn’t have money to eat, or someone who is on the verge of homelessness because he couldn’t pay this month’s rent. Situations like these. The point is no user here should have a fear in his mind about what he would do if he couldn’t pay this month’s rent or other situations like that. More often than not it is the fear that’s more dangerous and debilitating than the event itself. To have a hope, even a small one, that something is out there that will help me if I’m in such a situation, can prove to be a life saver.

I found this website https://www.commonchange.com/ where we can create the fund. We can create a group there and contribute to it. We can invite people to join the group. When a need arises, a request is made, group members discuss it and cast their vote. If more than 75% members approve, the request is approved and funds are released. So it’s not one person’s monopoly over decision and a member can’t do a fraud on his own.
This website has been there for many years so I believe it’s trustful. If someone knows/finds a better one he can tell.

I know there are trust issues. After all who am I? I may be some internet troll or fraud. But I’m not. You can click my username and see that I’ve been a member of SP for four years and have made numerous posts and comments here. I just want to help.

So this is the idea. What do you say? I’m not very good at managing things. So if the idea goes through, I would appreciate if some other veteran member volunteers to take the lead. Besides this CommonChange is primarily a US based site (Although it accepts and sends funds to all countries) and most SP user are also from US, so it will be better if a US based member manage things.

My landlady keeps finding excuses to make me interact with her daughter. No Mrs., it’s not going to work. I can see it all in her expressions, her hurry. And I feel disgusted. She shouldn’t waste her true emotions on me. I feel embarrassed. I’m just not made for this world. You, your daughter, your world is so, so, so far away from me. You don’t touch anywhere. And in these interactions I realize just how far away and different I am or am becoming from everybody. I wonder what will happen to me if I snap all ties from world, i.e. from my immediate family and whatever few friends I have.

I can’t sleep at night. These thoughts, they just don’t stop. This sense of doing nothing, wasting the life, is unacceptable. But there seems to be nothing worthwhile. Two fields of study keep recurring in my mind: Sociology and Philosophy. I have genuine interest in them and I think I would be interested in doing studies in them. Money is just not the answer. I need to do something creative to feel occupied with some satisfaction. That would make wasting life a little more bearable. But these are just one time thoughts produced by one state of mind and would work in only that state. But I have too many states.

There is a beautiful song by Jagjit Singh which translates as… ‘It is about to be night, the sun is about to set. Where will we go?’ … Mornings are tolerable. You feel occupied. Nights are too truthful.

I hope my sharing this experience is not minded. It doesn’t really belong here. I am writing here because I have nowhere else to turn to when I experience an influencing event and feel an urge to tell it to somebody just to get a perspective.

The fine line between choice and fate. I experienced it today. The weather was good today because it had rained and cool breeze was blowing. So everything was feeling good and mind was in fresh state. I sat for meditation. I sat upright with straight head. Eventually my head automatically started going backward in up-down direction (i.e. facing towards ceiling). And it had such a force that I had to decisively and deliberately bring it back straight otherwise I felt like my neck would break. Its backward going was automatic but I didn’t give it much thought because it has happened earlier also some times and it may be due to light-headedness. What new happened today was when my arms, which were resting in my lap, also started moving automatically. First a little up, then separating and opening in Titanic/Jesus style. In a very smooth way. There was a magnetic type force there, I could feel it on and around my arm. Very smooth, curvy, balancing. Eventually I felt like my whole body is gonna float in air. With every inhale it was becoming more light, more upright. I kept experiencing this state for some time. Finally I decided to bring my arms back. This is when I felt that fine line between choice and fate. It was the line between ego and no ego. When my arms were automatically moving, I was aware, observing the whole event crystal-clearly. There was no choice or effort of mine in moving them. When I decided to bring them back, I tried to observe how my decision would be transmitted to the arms through brain. I particularly tried to observe that critical point where automatic would be replaced by manual. I can’t say I was successful, it was very subtle and slippery, but it was beautiful – the whole process.

The decision… brings the decisor. The decision has a very consolidating effect on self. It brings a maddening sense of power. Not just sense of power… it brings power. But who was the one who took the decision? Why did I take it? And how could I let it change me? It changed me completely. I hate myself for taking it. But I had to take it sooner or later.

To talk a bit more about that automatic movement. It signifies choicelessness. It shows that we can live that way too. And maybe we can live on that fine line, where we are both observing and taking the decision, where we are both choiceless and choicefull.

August 2017 marks my four years on this site. I joined in 2013 around these days. I never really got around to thanking some people here. I often think about them before going to sleep. So today I’m skipping it. No it’s not like the thank you speech people give while leaving or winning some event. I’m still here and still miserable. But that doesn’t make effect of these people on me any less.

Clevername: What can be said about him. I believe it is a privilege of SP that he came here for that brief period of time and interacted with people here. To me: He gave me a backbone. The ability to stand for myself and fight against people. He often regarded himself as water, but much in him was stone as well. And he subtly transferred that stone in me. That rock like property which stands up for itself. When I came here I didn’t have a backbone. I absolutely couldn’t face my relatives, neighbours, any authority, or society in general. But when he left from here, he left me with power to face all these. And it is because of him that I’m able to live on my own today. I couldn’t even have imagined this at that time, so naive and fearful I was towards worldly things.

ThousandCuts: The first person I was able to relate with ever in my life. My search string for finding this site was: ‘My life story’. And I think I was on 17th or 18th page, under blog search, when I found SP. Such was my desperation to find one person, just one person who is like me, who thinks like me, with whom I could relate. I just wanted to relate with one person, to get the assurance that I’m not a blunder, that I’m not some weird creature who is different than everybody else, whose like can’t be found. ThousandCuts gave me a place in this world. He gave me the ability to have a sense of where I stand among other people. You know, the criteria, the measuring strip, the reference. I can never thank him enough. I see him as my friend and it is my heartly wish to meet him in person once.

Persephone: She helped me in understanding myself. When I talked to her about my Truth pursuit, this was the first time I was formulating it in words. It was such a part of me that I didn’t even know it existed. It was quite a revelation to me. Conversations with her helped reveal things about myself. Another incident was when she included me in the category of philosophers. As I said when I came here I didn’t know my place in the world. Whatever I used to write here I absolutely had no idea whether it was intelligent or dumb, whether it was an original idea or the commonest thought that everyone knows. Her labelling me also showed me my place in the world. Although she was wrong, I’m no philosopher, but what matters is that she thought of me as such, and she was an intelligent woman, so it was a morale booster for me at that time when I was at lowest self esteem.

Vedura: I had only one interaction with her. When I left my job and job pursuits for good and decided to settle for what makes me feel free. I was totally confused. My past habits of worthlessness, guilt and fear of failure were eating me up. Then came her comment. She talked a bit about her own struggle for independent life and how it was all worth it in the end. And I don’t know why but it gave me such assurance, such confidence. It single-handedly overcame my feeling of worthlessness. I know a bit about her from her posts and comments over the years. That she fought with authorities to have her house somewhere in mountains. And she is probably the oldest woman here. All this I could visualize. I could see it from her eyes. And it gave me such assurance in my decision. I thank her with all my heart. I gain a lot of wisdom when I visualize things from her perspective.

Duke of Marmalade: Arguably the wisest man on this site. His wisdom was so sharp and accurate, so appropriate for the situation. Even today when I try to visualize things from his eyes I get revelations. He has become a sort of benchmark for me. I feel like I can never get lost as long as his perspective is there watching me.

There are many other who have helped me and taught me various things over the years. I am not naming everyone because I’m afraid someone will slip from my mind and I won’t be able to forgive myself for that. I thank you all for interacting with me and helping me. (although I don’t think many are around here (on SP) anymore to read this.)

What is there to talk about. To write requires some real content. To live in a shallow mindset, guided by past mind habits and memories, is pathetic, especially when you know and are aware of it. The world has nothing to offer to my self. Nihilism is a fact for people with reason. It is only forgetfulness and non-linear/non-continuous nature of human memory that makes most people neglect it. They derive enough juice from that gap, from that non-reasonable part of life.

But what am I talking? Time is the real culprit. It makes things happen. Whoever invented time is the master-maker. The Mara, the Devil, the Illusionist. There is a dialogue in movie Kung Fu Hustle – ‘In the world of Kung Fu, whoever masters speed is the winner.’ It was there that the concept of time stuck me. To master speed means to master time. It is not to make yourself quick, it is to be in such a state that the world appears to be moving in slow motion. Like this scene. When he gains masterhood, to him his enemies appear to be moving in slow motion. That’s exactly from where he gets his speed and power, and appears wondrous to other people.

There I go again. Losing the substance in theories. Maybe I still have strings attached to the world, maybe I also get some juice from it, sweet or bitter. But it will be over sometime, will it not? The wine will saturate, the cup will overflow and be empty. It’s a play anyway.

A fun fact: Within next 100 years, 6 billion people will die.

I had a dream. I was with a girl on roof of a very tall building and I was talking to her over mobile phone (for whatever reason). Then she fell from the roof. She kept talking to me over phone while falling down. Finally I heard a thud sound. Then I heard beep-beep sound in my phone (the one you hear when someone disconnects), because her phone would’ve broken from hitting the ground. At this moment I woke up. And realized that that beep-beep sound was of my alarm.

Now what do you make of it? I am utterly amazed. How could my mind know that my alarm would ring at this very moment and give this very sound and so created a dream that matches it!? Here are my theories:

1. Alarm had been ringing for some time and mind created a dream that makes sense of that sound. (Still why I didn’t wake up earlier and woke up only when I heard that sound on my dream mobile phone?)
2. Mind created and ran that entire dream in split of a second the moment alarm rang. The dream was atleast of several minutes. That means dream world time frame is much different that real world one. But how much? Can mind create days length of dream in few seconds?
3. Mind heard the alarm, went back in time and created the dream. (sounds fantastical but I’m not ruling it out).

https://www.youtube.com/playlist?list=PL0k3KFO0aQy3T6_Y3V8BfPmGOImGVE36e

No matter what I do, the question stays. Sometimes weeks and months go by without reflection, and during that period all seems good, but at the hour of reflection the truth stands as truth, the essential stands as essential, and the awareness of distinction between meaningful and waste can’t be any more clearer. It’s a waste, all these distractions, all this money, these passions of the hour, these momentary feelings of gratification.

I was in the meditative state today and I just wondered why I have to go back. Why I can’t stay in this state. I had no answer to this. This state is everything I can ever hope for. Calm, peaceful, satisfactory. Then why I go back? Why I must go back? It’s probably my being human. I am a human being, that’s why I have to go back. Is it the lust? It’s like itching, keeping in background, calling me to scratch it and get lost in pleasure. The juice, the bittersweetness. Human world is a mess. Who would willingly want to go in it. Only forgetfulness and sleep can make me go there again. Yes, if nothing works, sleep is its ultimate weapon.

But I am also hopeful because of a good observation. It, this meditative state, is coming to me more and more naturally. I no longer have to force anything or sit forcefully with hands folded for it to come. Just a little attention, just a little distancing from world and a little focusing and it comes. And when it takes over it feels like my primary nature. Earlier I had to pay a lot of attention for it to stay, but now it stays on its own.

Why, after so long time, it came back? It’s been a year or two or three. You come to tempt me. You come to tease me. Seeing me mired and wayward in world and maya, you come to remind me the way again. Why, may I ask? Why this teasing, this half-quenching, this putting the bottle on the lips and taking it away just before the drop spills? Do you get pleasure out of it or is it some kind of cosmic law that you can only show way and we have to walk the path?

Thank you nevertheless. My life is a meaningless burden, but you give it a meaning. You give me a glimpse of meaning. A glimpse of complete contentment. Ego’s thirst is unquenchable, but you have the power to diffuse this eternal fire that resides in our stomach. A glimpse for which a suffering person or a seeker would give his entire property or entire life. But why waste it on me? I’m not worthy of it. It’s probably my previous lives’ karma results, there is no other explanation. I have done nothing in this life to deserve it.

Isn’t my life worth living just by the glimpse? I’m blessed.

It’s for the calling, for reminding. It calls me. I will start again.

I think I need to let go of Buddha. I thought I had gotten over him but evidently I’m still sticking to him, like a person in emotional turmoil sticks to whoever he finds trustworthy. I don’t like made up things, I don’t like things that have discreet origin and prejudiced origin. I don’t want to, and maybe can’t, go into his origins but ultimately he is a name and an image that’s imprinted on my mind. Nirvana is a goal that I somehow set for myself. They both have discreet origins, I can see the fakeness. The mind needs a name for whatever it does or seeks. And once it gets the name it obsesses over it. That’s when things get corrupted. It is better to go nameless. Yes I am inspired by a force but it may not be Buddha. Yes I have a goal and purpose but it may not be nirvana. I think it is better to curiously go through life. Mind needs assurance, it wants a predictable future, a predefined path. It wants to plan everything. I think it is better to go unplanned, better to let deeper instincts lead the life.

Even if I had a fulfilling day, even if I made good money or watched a good movie or read a good novel, even if I was pleasantly and happily occupied all day, why during night time do I always feel this sick feeling that I have wasted my day, that I have wasted yet another day? What exactly is my expectation from myself? Why do I find pleasures gained from senses and thought repulsive in the end? Why do I distrust my thought, my senses and myself?

Recalling a dialogue of Amol Palekar from movie Naram Garam: ‘Meri zindagi ek sookha ped hai, jispar fool to kya patte aane ki bhi umeed nahi hai.’

I have managed to get what I wanted to get. I’m living alone, on my own, isolated from people (except for 1 or 2 short interactions with sellers). Earning decent income from an online site. I no longer feel worthless. God, I hated that feeling. I know my self sufficiency is not long term, but a moment of it is worth a lifetime. For once I’ve proved myself and that’s enough. Whatever happens after will be a different story.

I feel more hollow than ever. I feel more dead than ever. Strange how things change. As a child I used to long very much for a certain candy and used to think that when I grow up and have money I would buy it in kilos and eat whole day. Now that I have money, why don’t I fulfill that wish? What changed? It is the same change now. Damn illusory life. Always gets me.

Maybe I just have to admit that problem is me and not something outside. My mind has degraded into jelly from purposelessness. It is useless. I’m stubborn and can see hints of stubbornness of old age. I am capable of thinking only thoughts that are already stuck in my brain. Nothing new or fresh.

A sort of loathing always surrounds me. I have lost my aim, my direction of life. I used to think that if I ever managed to live on my own, I would dedicate my entire time to meditation and seeking enlightenment. I should do that now. My savings can last an entire year. A year is more than enough. But it just doesn’t happen anymore. What stops me? Laziness has engulfed me. Maybe I was never a true seeker. Maybe all my being ever wanted was to become a bum, but was hiding its true desire behind lofty dreams and aims.

I am nothing. I am nothing. It is my unbounded pride and vanity that seeks all these high things. I inherited it from my mother. Her pride knows no bounds and blinds her totally. It is same with me. But inside, inside I’m just a coward. A brave person doesn’t think so much. He mostly acts. While all I do is think. Maybe I wasn’t meant for it, this whole enlightenment thing. I’m like the main character of ‘Crime and Punishment’ who wanted to become a Napoleon but soon realised he was simply nowhere near that breath and depth. Buddha was son of a king, a kshatriya. He was brave, he had the courage to seek and see his inner demons eye to eye. I also come from kshatriya/warrior clan but that was a long time ago. Perhaps that’s why I have desire in me to do brave acts like Buddha but my inner character and bravery is simply nowhere near him. I should know my place but my pride doesn’t let me.

I am a despicable person.