quaero

I just don’t know it.

I was in my room and I heard someone shouting on street. He was shouting and abusing. I went out on my balcony and got to know that someone hit my neighbour’s bike in the night and broke its mudguard, accidentally probably. My neighbour was just ranting and abusing the unknown person who did this. I was just watching him. Then he made the disaster of including me in the conversation. He somehow looked at me looking and, probably seeing a companion in me in his misery, said to me, “Look mister, some #@$!% broke the mudguard of my bike. (dekhna […]

Went to see a house today. A flat. I liked it. It’s enough for me. Though it’s not even a bhk, it’s a bk or an hk depending on what you call the main area. A room, a bathroom, a kitchen. And a balcony. I love balconies. That’s the main reason I liked it, that’s what differentiates it from where I currently live. Wish it had a natural view but I like seeing activities on street too. The nearby area has plenty of natural view, probably because it’s near to railway line. Anybody knows how’s sound of train 200 meter away from it?

Anything bigger is […]

Self is a mad dog. A thousand-faced horse. A prisoner of evolutionary instincts. A blind follower of cause and effect. It seeks results and finds none. It cannot escape effect of causes/forces applied on it. It must create their effects and suffer. Get out of it. There is nothing there. Burning suffering and nothing else.

Know there is something else. You currently identify with self but you are not self. Recognize that, realize that. If you ever manage to distinguish it, hold fast to it. There is nothing from self that’s more valuable than this. You know pleasure from life is no match to pain from […]

For last 4 years I was at my parents house. Now I’ve again left it.

There was nothing there. There is nothing here. There is nothing bloody anywhere. No salvation in this trapped existence. Where do I go? What do I do? What is worth doing? Nothing. There is nothing worth doing.

It’s not such a bad thing tbh. It’s just human nature I guess to never be satisfied, never be at peace.

Whatever I do is just a distraction. I’ve purchased a VR headset and I quite like playing a table tennis game in it. Recently reached top 500 rank. Or youtube videos. I try to feel […]

Passions that occupied my mind, passions that ran very deep and felt like they will never end… it seems they were all fleeting. Maybe all passions are fleeting. Just things to occupy the mind for the time being. And now, after living alone in my tiny room for nearly two years, they are all gone. Leaving an empty shell behind. Looks like they couldn’t endure the absence of interactions/active things. J. Krishnamurti said, “To live is to live in relationships.” Interactions, relationships, that’s the food of passions. Without them, in its brute/naked form, life is perhaps empty.

That’s what my life has become. Empty. Even my […]

One day of feel good and trying for better results in three days of degradation. Shit man it’s impossible, bloody impossible. I just cannot choose and I just cannot take side, no matter how ingeniously I try every time. Every plan fails with me.

“He who has a why can overcome any how”  –  Friedrich Nietzsche

I wish I had a purpose. To have a purpose is a great thing. It alone can make one overcome all obstacles of life. It transforms a person. It gives him incredible strength. It can make him detached from all his weaknesses. He becomes a yogi. A man with a goal. It gives fulfillment, it gives life a satisfying occupation. It is everything one can ever hope for.

I wish I had a purpose. Without a purpose, all that is left to oneself is oneself. Then I just focus on myself and my feelings. And […]

I am probably going through transition phase. Things are looking inert. I am not focused on anything. It is good. This inertness feels good. It won’t last long though, a day at max.

I don’t like material differences that exist in the world. I find it unjust when a worthy person can’t reach where he deserves to be just because of lack of good headstart or financial backing. Money is not a very important thing. We, especially here on SP, know what really matters in life to make it fulfilling. And money is not it. So I absolutely don’t like it, and personally feel guilt, when a depressed and suicidal person is pushed over the edge because of financial problems. Their life… Our life is already full of issues. We can’t help each other in many of them […]

My landlady keeps finding excuses to make me interact with her daughter. No Mrs., it’s not going to work. I can see it all in her expressions, her hurry. And I feel disgusted. She shouldn’t waste her true emotions on me. I feel embarrassed. I’m just not made for this world. You, your daughter, your world is so, so, so far away from me. You don’t touch anywhere. And in these interactions I realize just how far away and different I am or am becoming from everybody. I wonder what will happen to me if I snap all ties from world, i.e. from my immediate […]

I can’t sleep at night. These thoughts, they just don’t stop. This sense of doing nothing, wasting the life, is unacceptable. But there seems to be nothing worthwhile. Two fields of study keep recurring in my mind: Sociology and Philosophy. I have genuine interest in them and I think I would be interested in doing studies in them. Money is just not the answer. I need to do something creative to feel occupied with some satisfaction. That would make wasting life a little more bearable. But these are just one time thoughts produced by one state of mind and would work in only that state. […]

I hope my sharing this experience is not minded. It doesn’t really belong here. I am writing here because I have nowhere else to turn to when I experience an influencing event and feel an urge to tell it to somebody just to get a perspective.

The fine line between choice and fate. I experienced it today. The weather was good today because it had rained and cool breeze was blowing. So everything was feeling good and mind was in fresh state. I sat for meditation. I sat upright with straight head. Eventually my head automatically started going backward in up-down direction (i.e. facing towards ceiling). […]

August 2017 marks my four years on this site. I joined in 2013 around these days. I never really got around to thanking some people here. I often think about them before going to sleep. So today I’m skipping it. No it’s not like the thank you speech people give while leaving or winning some event. I’m still here and still miserable. But that doesn’t make effect of these people on me any less.

Clevername: What can be said about him. I believe it is a privilege of SP that he came here for that brief period of time and interacted with people here. To me: […]

What is there to talk about. To write requires some real content. To live in a shallow mindset, guided by past mind habits and memories, is pathetic, especially when you know and are aware of it. The world has nothing to offer to my self. Nihilism is a fact for people with reason. It is only forgetfulness and non-linear/non-continuous nature of human memory that makes most people neglect it. They derive enough juice from that gap, from that non-reasonable part of life.

But what am I talking? Time is the real culprit. It makes things happen. Whoever invented time is the master-maker. The Mara, the Devil, […]

I had a dream. I was with a girl on roof of a very tall building and I was talking to her over mobile phone (for whatever reason). Then she fell from the roof. She kept talking to me over phone while falling down. Finally I heard a thud sound. Then I heard beep-beep sound in my phone (the one you hear when someone disconnects), because her phone would’ve broken from hitting the ground. At this moment I woke up. And realized that that beep-beep sound was of my alarm.

Now what do you make of it? I am utterly amazed. How could my mind know […]

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No matter what I do, the question stays. Sometimes weeks and months go by without reflection, and during that period all seems good, but at the hour of reflection the truth stands as truth, the essential stands as essential, and the awareness of distinction between meaningful and waste can’t be any more clearer. It’s a waste, all these distractions, all this money, these passions of the hour, these momentary feelings of gratification.

I was in the meditative state today and I just wondered why I have to go back. Why I can’t stay in this state. I had no answer to this. This state is everything I can ever hope for. Calm, peaceful, satisfactory. Then why I go back? Why I must go back? It’s probably my being human. I am a human being, that’s why I have to go back. Is it the lust? It’s like itching, keeping in background, calling me to scratch it and get lost in pleasure. The juice, the bittersweetness. Human world is a mess. Who would willingly want to go in […]