quaero

For last 4 years I was at my parents house. Now I’ve again left it.

There was nothing there. There is nothing here. There is nothing bloody anywhere. No salvation in this trapped existence. Where do I go? What do I do? What is worth doing? Nothing. There is nothing worth doing.

It’s not such a bad thing tbh. It’s just human nature I guess to never be satisfied, never be at peace.

Whatever I do is just a distraction. I’ve purchased a VR headset and I quite like playing a table tennis game in it. Recently reached top 500 rank. Or youtube videos. I try to feel […]

Passions that occupied my mind, passions that ran very deep and felt like they will never end… it seems they were all fleeting. Maybe all passions are fleeting. Just things to occupy the mind for the time being. And now, after living alone in my tiny room for nearly two years, they are all gone. Leaving an empty shell behind. Looks like they couldn’t endure the absence of interactions/active things. J. Krishnamurti said, “To live is to live in relationships.” Interactions, relationships, that’s the food of passions. Without them, in its brute/naked form, life is perhaps empty.

That’s what my life has become. Empty. Even my […]

One day of feel good and trying for better results in three days of degradation. Shit man it’s impossible, bloody impossible. I just cannot choose and I just cannot take side, no matter how ingeniously I try every time. Every plan fails with me.

“He who has a why can overcome any how”  –  Friedrich Nietzsche

I wish I had a purpose. To have a purpose is a great thing. It alone can make one overcome all obstacles of life. It transforms a person. It gives him incredible strength. It can make him detached from all his weaknesses. He becomes a yogi. A man with a goal. It gives fulfillment, it gives life a satisfying occupation. It is everything one can ever hope for.

I wish I had a purpose. Without a purpose, all that is left to oneself is oneself. Then I just focus on myself and my feelings. And […]

I am probably going through transition phase. Things are looking inert. I am not focused on anything. It is good. This inertness feels good. It won’t last long though, a day at max.

I don’t like material differences that exist in the world. I find it unjust when a worthy person can’t reach where he deserves to be just because of lack of good headstart or financial backing. Money is not a very important thing. We, especially here on SP, know what really matters in life to make it fulfilling. And money is not it. So I absolutely don’t like it, and personally feel guilt, when a depressed and suicidal person is pushed over the edge because of financial problems. Their life… Our life is already full of issues. We can’t help each other in many of them […]

My landlady keeps finding excuses to make me interact with her daughter. No Mrs., it’s not going to work. I can see it all in her expressions, her hurry. And I feel disgusted. She shouldn’t waste her true emotions on me. I feel embarrassed. I’m just not made for this world. You, your daughter, your world is so, so, so far away from me. You don’t touch anywhere. And in these interactions I realize just how far away and different I am or am becoming from everybody. I wonder what will happen to me if I snap all ties from world, i.e. from my immediate […]

I can’t sleep at night. These thoughts, they just don’t stop. This sense of doing nothing, wasting the life, is unacceptable. But there seems to be nothing worthwhile. Two fields of study keep recurring in my mind: Sociology and Philosophy. I have genuine interest in them and I think I would be interested in doing studies in them. Money is just not the answer. I need to do something creative to feel occupied with some satisfaction. That would make wasting life a little more bearable. But these are just one time thoughts produced by one state of mind and would work in only that state. […]

I hope my sharing this experience is not minded. It doesn’t really belong here. I am writing here because I have nowhere else to turn to when I experience an influencing event and feel an urge to tell it to somebody just to get a perspective.

The fine line between choice and fate. I experienced it today. The weather was good today because it had rained and cool breeze was blowing. So everything was feeling good and mind was in fresh state. I sat for meditation. I sat upright with straight head. Eventually my head automatically started going backward in up-down direction (i.e. facing towards ceiling). […]

August 2017 marks my four years on this site. I joined in 2013 around these days. I never really got around to thanking some people here. I often think about them before going to sleep. So today I’m skipping it. No it’s not like the thank you speech people give while leaving or winning some event. I’m still here and still miserable. But that doesn’t make effect of these people on me any less.

Clevername: What can be said about him. I believe it is a privilege of SP that he came here for that brief period of time and interacted with people here. To me: […]

What is there to talk about. To write requires some real content. To live in a shallow mindset, guided by past mind habits and memories, is pathetic, especially when you know and are aware of it. The world has nothing to offer to my self. Nihilism is a fact for people with reason. It is only forgetfulness and non-linear/non-continuous nature of human memory that makes most people neglect it. They derive enough juice from that gap, from that non-reasonable part of life.

But what am I talking? Time is the real culprit. It makes things happen. Whoever invented time is the master-maker. The Mara, the Devil, […]

I had a dream. I was with a girl on roof of a very tall building and I was talking to her over mobile phone (for whatever reason). Then she fell from the roof. She kept talking to me over phone while falling down. Finally I heard a thud sound. Then I heard beep-beep sound in my phone (the one you hear when someone disconnects), because her phone would’ve broken from hitting the ground. At this moment I woke up. And realized that that beep-beep sound was of my alarm.

Now what do you make of it? I am utterly amazed. How could my mind know […]

https://www.youtube.com/playlist?list=PL0k3KFO0aQy3T6_Y3V8BfPmGOImGVE36e

No matter what I do, the question stays. Sometimes weeks and months go by without reflection, and during that period all seems good, but at the hour of reflection the truth stands as truth, the essential stands as essential, and the awareness of distinction between meaningful and waste can’t be any more clearer. It’s a waste, all these distractions, all this money, these passions of the hour, these momentary feelings of gratification.

I was in the meditative state today and I just wondered why I have to go back. Why I can’t stay in this state. I had no answer to this. This state is everything I can ever hope for. Calm, peaceful, satisfactory. Then why I go back? Why I must go back? It’s probably my being human. I am a human being, that’s why I have to go back. Is it the lust? It’s like itching, keeping in background, calling me to scratch it and get lost in pleasure. The juice, the bittersweetness. Human world is a mess. Who would willingly want to go in […]

Why, after so long time, it came back? It’s been a year or two or three. You come to tempt me. You come to tease me. Seeing me mired and wayward in world and maya, you come to remind me the way again. Why, may I ask? Why this teasing, this half-quenching, this putting the bottle on the lips and taking it away just before the drop spills? Do you get pleasure out of it or is it some kind of cosmic law that you can only show way and we have to walk the path?

Thank you nevertheless. My life is a meaningless burden, but […]

I think I need to let go of Buddha. I thought I had gotten over him but evidently I’m still sticking to him, like a person in emotional turmoil sticks to whoever he finds trustworthy. I don’t like made up things, I don’t like things that have discreet origin and prejudiced origin. I don’t want to, and maybe can’t, go into his origins but ultimately he is a name and an image that’s imprinted on my mind. Nirvana is a goal that I somehow set for myself. They both have discreet origins, I can see the fakeness. The mind needs a name for whatever it […]

Even if I had a fulfilling day, even if I made good money or watched a good movie or read a good novel, even if I was pleasantly and happily occupied all day, why during night time do I always feel this sick feeling that I have wasted my day, that I have wasted yet another day? What exactly is my expectation from myself? Why do I find pleasures gained from senses and thought repulsive in the end? Why do I distrust my thought, my senses and myself?

Recalling a dialogue of Amol Palekar from movie Naram Garam: ‘Meri zindagi ek sookha ped hai, jispar fool to […]