Passions that occupied my mind, passions that ran very deep and felt like they will never end… it seems they were all fleeting. Maybe all passions are fleeting. Just things to occupy the mind for the time being. And now, after living alone in my tiny room for nearly two years, they are all gone. Leaving an empty shell behind. Looks like they couldn’t endure the absence of interactions/active things. J. Krishnamurti said, “To live is to live in relationships.” Interactions, relationships, that’s the food of passions. Without them, in its brute/naked form, life is perhaps empty.
That’s what my life has become. Empty. Even my hate for society has reduced a lot, has taken a rudimentary form. And that’s not at all, not at all a positive thing. Without a rebellion, without an enemy, you lose the will to fight. So now I don’t even feel like working. Because why work? for whom? Earlier it was the rebellion that was propelling me on. Now that’s gone. I haven’t worked for 2 months. I guess that’s what’s making things worse. Work is a good timepass. it fills your mind, not allowing you to reflect on your emptiness all damn time.
It is becoming unbearable. No hate, no desire, no remorse for wasting time/life. That’s the stuff of the human life. What is life without it? A passionate suffering is worth 100x more than this. Plus, though it might appear to share some properties from outside, it is not like what spiritual people suggest. Because I didn’t create this, it was forced upon me.
recently I had developed a skin disease. was in a lot of pain for 1 week and after treatment I felt very weak. I needed that. I needed to be humbled. Because I hadn’t been ill in last few years and so perhaps had forgotten about this aspect of life. I tried to achieve self sufficiency. But that’s pointless when life is so fragile in so many way. You know, it is said that it is the body in which our deepest of the deepest philosophies is contained. It is the body in which our psychology is contained. Nietzsche used to say that all his ideas and teachings are only for healthy people, because under sickness even ideas turn sick. I felt that in my moments of sickness. Like a crappy midas touch where everything, even my previous favourite ideas, developed a kind of gloom when I touched them. That just showed me how wrong/incomplete/one-sided my thoughts and ideas were.
What I’m fearing most is that I might move back home. Home that I always hated, home where my narcissistic parents live. That’s how empty I’m feeling. Look, earlier I had a valid reason. I had a vague meaning in life, some desires, lots of hate. That was enough to absolve me of my responsibility. Now with these things gone, that responsibility is unbalanced and is pulling me towards itself. (The responsibility I’m talking about is this: My parents are getting old. Soon they will need someone to take care of them. As their only son it’s my responsibility.) It is not the past that matters, it is how you feel about the past. I don’t feel much about it anymore. So there is no counterbalance. With no prospects and no past effects, I can’t avoid this.