It’s there, waiting

i feel like i post everything down. what does it matter, who cares, why care. i feel the urge to expose out what i’m holding back… what i’m holding back since the beginning. what is it? what has made my life heavy. writing is such a slow process, it cannot catch up with thoughts. all the emotions were gone in the very first line and now i’m just deadly repeating out of memory. i feel the need to speak. maybe like that girl who made a video on youtube. but i don’t think that will do either, i have tried such things earlier…i become completely blank soon. i need a real one to talk to, face-to-face, who actually understands me. No, i’m lying, i don’t need anyone. i would die of shame before saying it to anybody. am i not being proud here? i feel like its low thing to tell anybody, yet i cherish it, its like my accumulation, my work, culmination of my life. and i’m afraid to expose it, like a mother of her child.

what am i heavy of, what am i stuck of? i will keep repeating this question until i find something, even if its not the exact answer, that’s my nature. its certainly something very irrational. its like the culmination of all my irrationality. that’s why i cannot think what it is, why else? its like that unseen wind that bends tree. its the dormant state of my devils. its that baseness that makes me stubborn despite my best efforts. its that spirit of gravity that pulls me down. its all those things disguised as laziness. its the outer surface of that darkness of which i’m so afraid of. i tried to say so many things about it yet i feel like i haven’t even touched its surface yet. its still there just as dark, as mysterious, as terrifying. fuck it will engulf me soon. how long can i hide, how long can i pretend its not there, how long can my tricks save me. how stupid, how savage, how dumb it is. it doesn’t understand a word of me or of all my knowledge. its so immovable, it stand there like a dumb while i throw at it great words of knowledge. what else have i to throw other than words… what else have i learned in my life. i pride over them, i boast on them, and see there they lie, impotent, in front of this illiterate monster.

now i’m re-reading the first para. that ‘mother of her child’ line has kind of stuck to me. is this my creation? am i responsible for it? who else is there to blame. but what have i done to create it? its more like it was forced upon me. by whom? by whom? hell how easy it is for believers of religion or science. they can simply put the blame on devil, or on evolution, or on childhood upbringing and are done with it. i, on the other hand, lately seems to be loosing faith in even cause and effect.

well it has kind got out of my sight now. maybe because after the last line i started thinking of all those theories that act like break in cause and effect.. like uncertainty principle or free will etc. its funny how little diversions can achieve great things. but it hasn’t moved, it has only hidden, for now. i’m regretting loosing its sight.