Pain…

I know it’s stupid to think about ways to die when I’ll never take the step that ends my life. Life can be miserable sometimes, but I still find myself more afraid of dying than I am of struggling through this hell I’m constantly in. I love my daughter too much to end my life, my parents and friends as well…
I cry myself to sleep just about every night…I can’t bring myself to self harm in any ways other than drinking excessively. I used to cut when I was about 14 or 15 I started on my thighs because I knew no one would ever see them because I always wore jeans and I didn’t have gym class. Before long both of my legs were covered in little ribbons of my despair and self loathing all in various stages of healing. Finally I started on my arms, I usually wore long sleeves or hoodies and I always wore the stretchy wristbands too, one day I cut too deep without realizing it, I blacked out from blood loss, the next morning when I woke up it was in a pool of blood, I wasn’t trying to kill myself…I was trying to feel…anything. Because I had been numb to everything for so long, I don’t know if it was the medication I was on, or just me…but I hated it…
Every day now I wake up wishing I could go back to being numb, not caring, not feeling…now I feel too much, I care to deeply, and the constant pain is like a dagger in my heart…
I don’t know if the pain will ever lessen or go away…it’s like this chronic illness that can’t be explained by doctors or cured by meds…it’s a pain you can’t fully describe…it eats at you body and soul from the inside out. It’s a blackness you can’t escape. It festers and grows and grows until there is nothing good left inside of you…pain…it’s so…unforgiving….
I want to be free…but I’m too afraid to die.