Samhain (Halloween) is in a few days. As a pagan, I celebrate it as the night when I am closest to being able to communicate with those who have gone before me. I am so hoping to be able to talk to my grandmother. She is the only person who ever “got me” in this world.She has been gone 19 years and not a day goes by that don’t miss her so much.
I have always understood that on Samhain, you grieve what you have lost (particularly in the past year) and then celebrate the new. But I am so full of grief I can’t see to celebrate anything. I am still grieving and missing people who left so long ago, and I still miss my job. I was thinking about how much I missed my career the other night and just could not stop crying. I am trying SO FUCKING HARD to put the past behind me and forget and move on, but I can’t. No matter how much time passes, is is a wound that will not heal, and hole I can’t fill, and an emptiness I can’t begin to describe. I feel so purposeless.
So on Samhain I will once AGAIN try to put the fucking past behind me and swear to all there that I will move on, but the next week or even the next day, I will be missing and crying and sad again. Will this EVER fucking end??
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No matter what you do, no matter how much you work out, or how much money you make, or how many girls you fuck, you can’t change your thoughts. You can’t make yourself forget them or unthink them. They are always there. You can change everything for yourself, but you really can’t change anything. Awesome. Although, you can choose to stop brain function, and I’m pretty sure you don’t have to worry about thoughts or anything else after that.