If you think about it, there is at least one person in your life, which is really special. One you have different kind of connection with. A kind of person who understands your body language. Person you don’t have to explain much and talk a lot. For me that kind of person was Chris.
I knew Chris for over ten years. From one side our relations didn’t change much, from the other they did and a lot.
When I met him he was just this dark person, who chose company of himself rather then anybody else. And I kind of steped in to his life and for some stubborn reason, never let him go. After few years of our strange friendship, I learnt that he was diagnosed with schizophrenia. He also attept suicide twice.
I guess both me and him, never fully accept this diagnose. Chris wanted to be someone he used to be, but he couldn’t. And I never looked at him through someoen who suffers from this terrible nightmare.
Before all this happen, he would write desperately for some words, he missed me after Ileft the country. Even when he was at the edge of everything, he would always write or call. I rememebr, when he called for the first  time, saying that this is his goodbye. I was angry and in panic at the same second. I was so nervous, called everyone I could to help me find him and make sure he is ok. And he was.
Later in year came goodbye email – which I wrote back, came for a visit again and he seemed fine again.
So I always thought there will be some kind of sign. He promised not to leave without saying goodbye.
Chris hang himself on 30th of July 2012. We couldn’t find his body for 8 days. We had to cremate him.
No letter. No phone call. No email. No note.
Pain that is felt, when I got the news, is impossible to describe. I felt like I was hanging on that tree too, I couldn’t breate. I couldn’t stop crying. I couldn’t stop screaming. Getting up from bed seemed so pointless. I spent my time mostly looking for any information, that would complete the puzzle of  WHY HE DID IT, even though I knew why.
Been so long now, and I haven’t really accept the fact, that Chris is gone. I can type it. I can say it, but I dont really believe it. It is a strange two worlds in my, one that is logic and informed and the other, just emotions. And that part still hurts. It doesn’t go away. It’s not just another funeral. It’s unreplaceable part, that was killed that summer.
And I wish to kick his ass, and tell him how full of shit he was when he said that we will be better off. We are not. His parents. His brother. Me – we cannot put ourselves together after you’ve done to yourselves.
How I wish to see him once again to tell him that, tell him that I love him, that I miss him, and there are, still are people to be with him in every step of the way.
If you consider suicide, and if you think that your choice will somehow “help” others – you are very, very wrong. It will break their hearts and it will follow them till the reast of their life. Believe me, it kills me everyday.
12 comments
“If you think about it, there is at least one person in your life, which is really special. One you have different kind of connection with. A kind of person who understands your body language. Person you don’t have to explain much and talk a lot.”
Nope.
Almost stopped reading right there, because your assumption is incorrect. Not everyone, not even most people, have someone like that.
The problem is that you don’t realize that those of us who “consider suicide,” are hurting far more than any we would leave behind, maybe even all of them, combined.
It’s not about you. It’s about those who need to go.
I wrote what I felt.
I thought that is the idea of the website. Perhaps someone who relate to this.
I’ not going to compare who feels worse, people who want to commit suicide or those who lost someone.
I’m here because it’s hard and I was looking for a save place to speak.
Guess I was wrong.
You’re misinterpreting what i said.
You don’t have to care whether i read your posts, and you don’t have to care about my opinion. You have no obligation to me.
But just as you and everyone else are entitled to their opinions, i am also entitled to mine. It’s not only people who agree with you, who are allows to express opinions. You will surely encounter plenty of people who disagree with you, whether on the internet, or in real life.
I’m not telling you to not write anything, and there’s nothing “unsafe” about any of what i said.
It’s just that you’re making an assumption that doesn’t apply to everyone, and then doing the “guilt trip” thing, and most of us… strongly dislike that.
Unless someone says: “i hate you so much that i want to kill myself,” then it is Not about you… it is about them. Suicide means their pain became too much for them, even knowing their choice to die would cause pain to others.
I can almost certainly guarantee you, your friend thought about how everyone would feel, lots of times, before he made his exit. It’s an unfortunate side-effect of the individual’s choice, but rarely the intention.
I don’t understand what clevername said to make you think this isn’t a safe place to voice your feelings….he just correctly pointed out you made an incorrect assumption and that your post seemed to focus on the after effect rather than the cause which is a problem….
If you compared the pain of the suicidal to the aftermath felt by others I’m sure that the suicide has felt more pain than those left behind….for the simple fact that suicide is not natural….to be driven to that extent requires a great deal of relentless anguish…..however….grief is natural and so is death….everybody on earth knows someone that has died….everybody on earth will have loved ones die…not everyone will know the pain that drives someone to suicide….however almost all people will experience grief…
This is a safe place to speak but you must be open to different POVs when doing so….
Black Leaf, if you read something that isn’t helping you, don’t take it to heart. Maybe someone else a bit less abrasive will comment. You just ran into a couple of the regulars who are trying to be helpful in their own way, but there way isn’t everyone’s way on SP. No harm done; just keep looking around and post a bit more. Cheers
Thank you,
I liked the post. No one here wants you to leave… If you need this place to help you feel better then u will be welcomed with open arms, but… If its here to guilt people… We are we aware of the actions we take and what they mean to others, its the only reason in still here, we don’t need reminding of others and how they require us to suffer for them not to. Stick arround, you may even like us. And im sorry, u lost him, but it was his descission to go. Some people, no matter how much we want it to be different cant be saved. Would u rather he be in eternal torment or at peace?
See.. that is the part I struggle with. I know that that was his choice. And I know why. And I also know many things, but I swear sometimes I want to hit my head into a wall, because My thoughts go yes yes, yes I know.. BUT! and here we go again! Madness.
Its like a circle. One step front, two steps back.
I understand what you feel, this grief. I had a friend that hang herself almost 3 years ago, in Oct 2010… This feeling won’t ever go away, never. Especially because we used to make suicide plans together and talk 24/7 about death.
Sometimes I tell myself I don’t care or try to forget her, that I won’t even say her name. Sometimes I cry and regret everything, telling myself I’ll carry her name everywhere.
Truth is, I miss her a lot. I miss her a lot… And partially blame myself for what happened to me. I wish I could see her again and tell her that everything got worse after her death; though at the same time I feel a bit of envy cause she’s gone and I’m not. I had tried to kill myself (my 2nd attempt) in September, so when she died, I felt lots of emotions. Despair, envy, anger.
Sorry about your loss.
I read your comment and I cried. I’m sorry for your loss too..
And the missing. I could type this over and over again.
Thank you.
For what happened to her*
hung*
Whenever I write about her I can’t think..nah.
You’re welcome and thank you, Black Leaf. This month is hard, it brings lots of memories.