People always say you learn from your mistakes, and usually I do. I’ve learned not to let myself get the best of me. Lately though, I don’t know, lately it’s like I’m setting myself up for disaster, for heart break, it’s like I’m subconsciously looking for something or someone to break me down more than I already have been. It’s like I want to test the limits of what I can handle, or maybe I’m just trying to bring back that emotional numbness. I’ve always been the one that’s chosen last, in elementary school it was in sports and games, in high school it was as the friend, and then the girl. It’s like everything and everyone else seems to be more important than me, to everyone in my life, teachers, friends, the people I’ve been in relationships with, or who have been interested in me, they always pick someone or something else. My biological mother picked drugs, alcohol, and men. My “friends” picked other people, the ones that weren’t quite as screwed up as I am, because it was easier, less depressing. Even every man I have ever been with has picked someone or something other than me. With my daughters father it was death, the man I am with now, it is work, and it seems like with most other people it’s another girl, or alcohol, or drugs, or anything besides me, and I thought I’d learned, finally, to end things like that before I could get hurt, yet here I am. Hurting. No, I’m not hurting over some stupid middle school crush, someone I supposedly fell in love with after a couple hours that wont return my calls. I am hurting over a relationship that ended with suicide, I’m hurting over a relationship that’s been falling apart for longer than it was working out. I’m hurting for all the people that have decided I’m not worth it, and for all the times I’ve been the last choice, or better yet the one that wasn’t chosen at all. I’m hurting because in a deep dark place inside of me I fear that I will always be the last choice. I fear that no one will ever truly love me enough to do anything for me. I fear that none of my “friends” will ever care enough. I don’t show the side of me that all of you on here see. I don’t let my walls down for my family, friends, and significant other. I wear a mask, but sometimes I feel that mask cracking, I feel pieces of me, the real me, starting to show through. I hate when this happens, I hate feeling exposed, and it’s always when my walls are falling that someone always chooses someone or something else and it’s like they are driving a semi truck through the glass pane that is my heart. I thought I was stronger, yet I still sit here crying. I thought I had learned…I was wrong…I can’t ever let my walls down, for anyone, because then everyone only kicks me while I’m down. When will I ever learn?
share your suicide story
Report Post
Please log in to report posts
6 comments
Hey there. We don’t talk much but I just wanted to say, hang in there. You’re a special soul. <3
<3 Thank you, you are too, I'm going to keep holding on, I have to. But I feel like we would talk more if I came on here more often than I do, I don't log in daily like alot of people do, I'm too busy with my daughter to do that, but if you ever do want to talk you can email me, I talk to Tristeza, jswissman, and imonlyaman over email. Mine is jamieestherlee@gmail.com, I also have gtalk. I am headed to bed for tonight though. I hope to talk to you more soon. 🙂
I’m here for you and want to keep getting to know you better and better. You are not last for me. Contact me when you have time. <3
wow! what a beautiful girl!!! hauva ba ba!! break me off a piece of that!!! wooo hooo!!!! OK enough said about that 🙂 i bet your not a “ASS KISSER” most people who get all the attention are! i’m not one myself and have paid the price always second best or what ever, remember you can pull the sheets over your toes and feel good about who you are as a person, and why not test people to find out where they really stand, it’s heartbreaking but it’s a alot better than living a lie, not much of advice here but something you may not of thought about?
why is it i have a feeling that that is not your picture?.it looks so professional.
@jswissman, thankyou, really.
@joinel, I never claimed it was it was just a photo that showed some of how I feel, however I am a photographer and graphic designer so recreating the image would be incredibly easy.
@rocketman your right I’m not an ass kisser, but I do try to make the people I care about happy even if it is at the expense of my own happiness, I go to bed at night crying myself to sleep…so I can’t say I feel good about myself, I just want someone to want me. As a friend or a girlfriend I don’t care, I want to be wanted, needed, I want someone to care about me so much that they would, figuratively, die without me.