Some people simply can’t understand what it feels like to me, not when I’m hungry, but when I’m so far past hungry that I’m empty. Yes, I feel hungry just like the rest of society, but I fight past it until I reach this feeling of complete control, satisfaction, and perfection. One bite will ruin it all and so every day becomes a battle between eating and starving. In anatomy yesterday I seriously stared at the skeleton diagram in the book, imagining how it would feel to be only bones. I was actually envious of that darn skeleton, how ridiculous is that? I promise everyone that I’m working on recovering, but it’s a lie. Honestly I don’t think I’m sick enough to recover just yet.
5 comments
5 comments
Not ridiculous at all. If it’s true for you, it has to be respected. But i seriously think that u may have a self image or a “need to be in control” disorder. Not a minor problem. A problem that requires professional help. I think that it would be very difficult for you to overcome this by yourself. I’m not sure if i can advise someone, or if i should even try. But… here it comes: search for a psychologist or a psychiatrist. Anorexy can leave you with irreversible sequels, if i’m not mistaken, in your liver and heart.
Yes, I know it is very dangerous. I try to deny that, but it’s a fact. I’ve gone to counseling before, but it’s hard for me to trust anyone. I don’t want anyone to make me stop. I definitely have control issues, everything must be “perfect.” Often times, very little is perfect though. My weight is something that I can control without anyone stopping me. I don’t know, I just want to be perfect.
I used to get this feeling, where my tummy refused to growl anymore and I’d suddenly feel “full” yet I’m actually empty. It made me utterly sick but I fought through it for no reason at all, that’s ridiculous. I battled with an eating disorder for a time as I was quite a chubby kid growing up, so I’d go days at a time without food and eating sparingly afterwards (and I love food, like seriously) which was completely out of my character.
What I’m… “genuinely” (and I mean this) worried about is that if you get sick enough that you feel the need to recover, what happens if the damage is already done and you… can’t recover? I shouldn’t play this card, but think about your younger sisters and nephew? They obviously mean a whole lot to you, if you could provide them this one compromise, to at least attempt recovery sooner rather than later on, then I am sure it will be worthwhile. Not only for them, but you as well.
Before I forget;
In regards to the Army, I served here in New Zealand where our military still likes to thrash and literally destroy recruits, in turn providing a “well-trained, combat focused soldier”. I am assuming you’re an American, so I cannot comment on the nature of U.S. Army training. However, the riguers of said training can and will force you to either “adapt & overcome” or crumble and fall.
I’d suffered with depression/suicidal tendencies before I joined and for a time I actually forgot about the darkness within, simply because my team needed me and I could not let them down. Times will get tough, and people will break, but soldiers (your battle buddies) will have your back for life.
Seeing as you’re a young woman, I will advise that they will train/physically exert you inline with male counterparts, and that sadly there are morons who will attempt “unwanted advances” as such. Okay, real talk. Unless you believe you have the intestinal fortitude to undergo military training, then please don’t.
I’m not tryna sway you either way, just provide sound facts into what to expect so you can make an informed decision. If you have any questions about this or anything at all, feel free to send them my way.
Look after yourself, okay?
Your comments seriously make me feel so much better. You’re an amazing person for sticking with me here. I know more than anything I need to recover. I’ve gone through too many phases of not eating, then eating too much and purging. It frustrates me because other people can go on diets without being considered sick, but when I do it, it’s a disorder. Of course I know it’s because I always take it to the extreme, but I wish I wouldn’t. I know my body is suffering. In the past I have passed out and I often get chest pains. I have recovered, actually. Never fully, but I have spent months fixing every disordered thought in my mind. I was successful for awhile, everyone was thrilled and I promised I would never go back. Then I started slipping, and here I am. For some reason, starving feels amazing to me. When I’m having a bad day, at least I can starve and wake up lighter. It’s just comforting.
I know that as of right now the army is not the best place for me. I do live in America and I actually have friends that go to very prestigious military academies. I think it’s a bit too rough for me. I have panic attacks when people yell because of things that happened to me… I just have a feeling it wouldn’t go well. I respect you for your service though!
Take it easy on yourself. Nobody ever was/is/will be perfect.