The issue has been with me for a long time since I was a kid. My parents were loving people. They said and did a lot of things to make me think that they really do.
I moved from here to there many many times. I have transferred 7 different schools while I was in highschool then I (alone) moved to United States in junior high and then I transferred twice again before going in to college - no clear reasons of moving were provided each time. While I was in college, I transferred once without having anyone tell me to do so. I look back now and see how it grew as my nature to just wander and never settle, even though I hated and was devastated to move and leave people I liked behind.
Okay, so.. I have no sense of community. I have no sense of identity. I don’t completely fit to my country anymore neither US. Even my family, I have been away from then about 9 years. I have no friends. I don’t wish to have one anymore. I wanted friends desperately but I failed every time to keep long term relationship with people, it was too much of burden and anxiety for me. Since then I gave up having people close to me. I get jealous of people who are surronded by people and happy with their life. I don’t hate them but I wish I was like that too. I sometime go out at night when no one is outside and walk. I like the fresh air but soon I start to tear up and there is no reason. My parents sugar-coated things.. my issues, dillemas, dramas and most of confrontatiotn that I had to be dealing, I’d discuss with them and the conversation was not interactive. It was only directioned as they tried to lecture me and end it with a hopeful conclusion. None of my problem had been resolved because they were too paranoid to face the reality.
I feel hopeless. I have a good career. My parents are rich. I live at the finest place and work at an investment bank. Yet I am not happy becuase there are no smiles and warm heart, geniune appreciation and all the good stuff. There is no heart to be full of joy.. and life. I can make friends out of no one. I believe that everyone will leave me at the end.  I have been experiencing that and no one can convince me and sugar-coat it saying there are a lot of people out there who will understand you and love you, it’s just you who needs to try to reach out for them. Well, I am not capable of doing that and my world is not as hopeful. I am home alone all the time. Yet I hate to be invited from people because then I will have to be there anxious, insecure, get dizzy and exhausted at the end. Oh my gosh.. ….. This life is not a good one but a burden. It is at fault of myself and my parents. My parents love me but it was their mistake me bring me into this world. I hate to say this and blame them. But nothing is set proper in my life. People say that they are jealous of my life but I know I stalk them on Fackbook and cry every night, feeling horrible realizing what they have and I lack. They have built me into a high-rise building without good support, no columns. I am very unstable. I can collapse anytime. At this point, what I really want is to have my family and my boyfriend truly understand my feelings and take me to Sweden where assisted suicide is legal and let me go in peace and bless.
9 comments
I think you meant Switzerland because in Sweden they put you in jail if you help someone to die (even though for a shorter time than if you kill someone without their consent).
Right right.. I was thinking that it was either one of those.. my guess was wrong.. haha.
Thanks for the correction!!
I hear you.
There is a perversity in your thinking. The column of strength (nicely poetic, by the way) is what you are using to attack yourself. It is not absent, but it is being misused. It is powerful, but you use it to attack yourself by blaming your parents and yourself.
Blame. This is the action of thinking thusly: I suffer at your hand. Look on me and see your own guilt. I was innocent as a child, but you inflicted injury on me and now I condemn you and want you to suffer the everlasting guilt of my suicide.
Sweetheart, there comes a time and an age, when you will have to admit that others have had worse circumstances, but have not ended up like you. Then, you will know that it is simply not sufficient to blame your parents any more, but you will want to take the responsibility on your own shoulders. (Very similar to dealing with a bad credit risk who wants another loan. You try to impress on them to stop blaming, start taking responsibility and make positive plans for the future. Capische?)
But true healing really can rarely be gone entirely on your own and constructed from whole cloth. So you, if you are to make progress, you must be willing to concentrate your attention on what you, individually, consider to be Good. Good with a capital “G”, meaning your highest belief of Good, in whatever form. Whatever That is, you will have to use it now.
But, you may say, I want to be put down, like a sick dog, they way the far-sighted people in progressive Europe allow. But I know that you are not whole-hearted in this, no matter what you say.
Think about this and you will see.
G.W.
As an addendum to what G.W. said, i would recommend at least familiarizing yourself with something called “the eightfold path.” If nothing else, it will help you in determining what and how you define “Good.” I personally think that knowledge and understanding of the method is somewhat more important than actually following the path itself, though i’m sure those who actually walk that path would disagree. Either way, learn about it and think on it a while.
Your parents may indeed be responsible for parts of your past which still linger and affect you negatively today; they did not make all your decisions for you. G.W. is right to say that “blame the parents” is insufficient. While their faults may indeed be real and true, it is not the whole story, and there are likely things you can do to salvage what potential still remains to be actualized in your life, despite whatever mistakes anyone made in the past, or how their effects may still linger today.
thank you. thank you. thank you for listening to me kindly and try as much as you can. I see you putting your effort and.. really try. thank you.
Hello Stranger,
I was bored tonight, so I found your request for help, by typing in “please help me”, 2013, suicide, into Google. I am a genius at helping people, but I don’t get the chance very often, because most people don’t really need my help. I once helped a famous Hollywood movie actor, who went insane after making an insane move, and was homeless for 5 years. It took me two weeks to solve his problems, and he returned to Hollywood, made a move, got married and had a child. Do you think he ever repaid me for borrowing my motorbike, and having a criminal steal it, because he accidentally left the key in the ignition, even though he is a millionaire? NO!
I believe most people don’t normally need help, so I don’t get the chance to help people very much. I helped another movie actor, who was manic depressive – straight out of the looney bin. He became completely normal in two weeks too, then went away and wrote a book. Did he ever say thank you? No! Why?
People like being sick, and they don’t appreciate people interfering, because it takes them away from their comfort zone. Which is why I rarely help people anymore.
This is the technique I use – I call it romance therapy: I absorb their pain, and internalize it, until I am as insane, lonely, or miserable as them, and then I discover in my dreams, what is causing their problems, then I shake off their problems for them, which is possible, because I don’t deserve them myself, which is why their problems don’t infect me for long. But this is a very intimate connection, so it hurts when people abandon me afterwords, without even saying thank you.
Since I am an expert at solving people’s problems, I would like to make a few observations about you:
You don’t deserve this isolation, and you don’t deserve to leave this world. Your jealously is showing you, and people like me, what you deserve. So don’t feel guilty about these jealous emotions, because they are showing you what you deserve. I would have no shame in helping you, because you deserve it. So if you deserve it, perhaps you wouldn’t forget about me if I helped you, who knows?
Whatever you do, stop thinking about the Switzerland solution, because I believe your problems can be solved. It will take longer than two weeks, but hopefully your problems are easy, compared to some of the ones I have dealt with in the past, and I am not talking about these insane move actors. Insanity is the easiest thing to fix, but what you are dealing with is psychological neglect, which means you have no real foundation on which to build trust. This is the hardest thing to fix, especially since you are subconsciously convinced that your parent’s behavior was okay. The neglect your parents showed you, is what you think everyone else deserves too. You are repeating their weakness, because you “know†that this is what you deserve. But the evidence is that you are worthy of better, so you were worthy of being treated better as a child. But if you simply hate your parents, like psychologists often advise people to do, you will miss the solution.
We create our own destiny, so your parents were too weak to solve your problems, which is why they failed. You need to find someone stronger than your parents, but since your parents are wealthy, they are very strong people, so to find someone stronger, is not going to be easy. So you are right to be wary of most people you meet, because if your parents couldn’t solve your problems, what chance do these random strangers have? Yet in this amazing world, stronger people actually exist. I am one of them, for instance. I am stronger than anyone you will ever meet, but this doesn’t mean God wants me to sacrifice my time to help you. God created me for a reason, and if he needs me to solve your problems, I will. If you are God’s friend, perhaps He will agree to it, otherwise I guess I was created to be with God, rather then people. That is, unless God has some miracle worked out to keep me here on Earth.
If I cannot help you, then you can always help yourself, because you deserve it. That’s all you need to know, to be able break free – that you deserve it. You don’t really need me to convince you that you deserve it, because your own subconscious mind is telling you what you need, by making you jealous.
I am over life too, but not for the same reason as you. I am so wonderful at helping people, that everyone around me becomes happy and blessed. This might seem like a good thing, but it isn’t, because if you spoil everyone in your personal world, they don’t end up developing the type of character that you have yourself. I developed this amazing gift, because God took care of me personally, rather than my own family, who simply ignored my needs at every turn, which forced me to discover the secrets to love, consciousness, and even eternity. How do you think it makes me feel, when I have failed as a husband, as a father, and even as a friend, because hardship develops character, and I refuse to allow those around me, to have any hardship whatsoever. If you think my gift must be a blessing to those around me, I can tell you, it isn’t. Spoilt people are always subconsciously angry with me, because I am screwing up their chances at a tough life. I am screwing up their chances to develop character. I am everyone’s hero, but I am powerless to help then be amazing, like me.
I have fantasies of leaving this world, so they can all get their dream to be like me. Everyone in my world wants to be amazing, but for that to happen, I need to leave my world behind.
I used to fantasize about helping insane Hollywood actors, which is why I was accidentally given the chance to help the two I talked about earlier, but I have lost all faith in such empty minded fools. I have fantasied about helping people my whole life, but my family thinks they need me 100% of the time, so they can continue to be the happiest people in the world, because they don’t know how to be happy without me. So, as you can see, I am like the Anti-Venom to a snake bite. Completely toxic in it’s own right, and only helpful after someone gets bitten.
So if I could find someone, like you, who needs my help for a year, then perhaps I won’t need to leave this world completely.
You have been poisoned with the snake bite, and I am the anti-venom, but if I continue to poison my family with my love, what it the point of my life?
This is why I put this search term into Google, because I continue to fantasize about finding someone who needs my help…
Take care gorgeous… Love Wyzac
I understand you. I feel your pain. Even though I never moved around like you have, I understand the alienation you can feel because you didnt have the chance to form long lasting bonds because you did move like that. Its not your fault, you didnt have say in it.
What you yearn for is human connection. You have the money and physical things, you realize that isn’t happiness. It never was, or ever will be.
So my advice to you….. maybe try to get out and search for some friends doing something you think you would like (some sort of activity, doesnt have to be very physical, just something).
I will say this…… and its’ because of what I have gone through…….
You might want to avoid the rich people around you. Not that they are all bad, because they won’t all be, but it has been my experience that the most caring folks are those with less/no money.
You can overcome this, but it will take work on your part. 🙂
Well, hmmm how should I reply? I can start out by saying that I’m your friend. I care about you. Have you ever talked to God before, I mean asked him to help you out. I don’t know if you don’t think there is a god, but I believe in God and I think you should ask him. And if you do decide to embrace the concept of God, starting reading a bible. I think it will explain your problems.
It’s hard not to give advice that isn’t just blithe sounding, so I apologize in advance. I certainly hear you, I think it sounds like a lot of the people on here feel similarly to you in one way or another. I feel like your story sticks out because you perfectly describe part of the issue, and one way out of it.
Our environment is a huge part of our life, and affects us deeply; it sounds like you have never had a stable base, and so you aren’t able to really stand up tall and be your own strong self, and so an environment of finance, wealth, and materialism is probably the worst place for you to be. People who look to your life with “envy” should be a clear indicator that they are not the right people to be worrying about being around.
This world is full of insecure people, faking it and hoping they’ll make it, some mask it in hurtful ways by trying to destroy others, some “lifecraft” (on facebook) making their lives seem great with a veneer to cover all the problems they can’t face, others (like us?) simply try to pull back and avoid it altogether.
If you were to ask my advice (you can skip if you don’t want advice), while you have resources at your disposal, utilize them and seek counseling, there are many very qualified people out there who specialize in this. Don’t just let them prescribe medication, but don’t be averse to the possibility either (really work on yourself first, and if it seems like you need a little helpful boost, be open to it). If you really really love your job, then find hobbies in areas outside of that crowd with more authentic people. If you don’t particularly care for your job, quit, find your passion, go to school, definitely do something else, even if it means cutting back in lifestyle or maybe going back to school. Find the good people, who care about people (I know that socializing is hard as a transplant, but practice makes perfect, you’ve already done so well here, a big success). But the final goal has to be working to become someone strong inside, that doesn’t rely on other people, but is still open to them.
Woo that’s long, well I’ll wrap up by saying, one thing that helps me, is to get my focus off myself, and my problems. I’m like you, I’ve been afraid of others, and socializing, being thought of as the weirdo, relegated to the corner while everyone else laughs it up, and so I feel alone and unloved and unable to fit in. But you know, when I’m out there helping another person, not in order for them to like me or give me something, just giving of my time, energy, skills, caring, I find that I’m not thinking about any of that other stuff. If someone really needs something and I can figure out a way to fill that need, or even if I can’t perfectly help but I’m just trying my best, I can’t be thinking that I’m a worthless lonely loser. It’s not the fix, but it’s a helpful start, and I do feel a little better 🙂