Can’t keep it up

It feels like it gets better sometimes but then I just think about where I am in my life and what I want and there seems to be such a gap. I’m not without my talents and I’ve got decent enough looks but it seems I cannot connect with anyone in any notable way. My friends around me tell me things, sometimes try to make me feel better, but its like their words are whipping by me in a wind tunnel.

I age and age, and there are less and less places for me to fit in and feel comfortable. I wish I could put it all on the rest of the world: everyone’s just petty, or shallow, or doesn’t see me for who I am, blah blah blah, and so on. But the truth is, I myself am a terrible person. I judge people by their looks, no matter how much I try to pretend to be deep. I’m selfish and I’m only concerned with what other people will do for me. I’m not interested in woman as friends unless they have potential as a mate. I avoid having male friends because I don’t want to have compare myself to others. I’m a hypocrite and a coward, and getting to know me is nothing more than seeing these characteristics slowly revealed, as the phony front I put up around myself always crumbles and falls away. There’s always a point where my true colors shine through. I’m tired of it.

I kid myself and say that I’m  not at a high risk for suicide because I don’t have a specific method in mind. But that’s a lie. I can picture it exactly.