I cannot decide. why the hell i am unable to decide? is it so hard of a decision? all the knowledge and experience accumulated hitherto and it cannot make me take the most basic decision? do i care about others, do i care about myself… if yes, then it should be the easiest decision one can make.
i’ve been contemplating only and only this thing since last two days and nights. i am in the uninfluenced state. it should be just so very easy. what a strange thing choice is! we think we can make a choice, but the truth is we cannot. maybe the character of Notes from Underground was right: only fools are men of action. how can a man by himself/for himself make a choice? he chooses only for others. even when he chooses for himself he is choosing for other i.e. the image he has created of himself in his mind. he can never make an independent choice. on what basis he will make it? what in the world can prompt him to make it? there are altruistic decisions and there are selfish decisions, but what about those who got to know that even their self doesn’t belong to them? i once concluded somewhere that all decisions are selfish. hah, now i seem to be concluding that all decisions are altruistic. but that’s even worse. i remember a story about a philosopher, maybe Kant, that when a crossroad would come, he would get lost in either/or and stand there for hours without being able to decide which road to choose. the story may not be true but it does say something about the difficulty of choice. i make decisions. everyday i make decisions. but they aren’t the same as this one. this one is my choice. i guess i now understand why many people here talk about inability to pull the trigger or take the jump. its probably the same kind of thing. its their decision, probably the first time ever. they are wrong in concluding that they are selfish for not doing it. infact its the first time they are not being selfish, for how can they do it for the self which is not going to be there after death? even their always deluding mind cannot be irrational this time.
this is the freedom of man. this is imo one of the most misunderstood things: people think we are free because we can make a choice. the truth, i think, is: we are free because we are able to see the gap between choices. because we are able to see our inability to make a choice in that gap.
what a strange freedom. and i know its momentary. soon my mind will again fabricate a world web. same sufferings, same desires will again create the manuer of that existence. i hate it. i don’t wanna go back. and if i do, which is inevitable, then with everything positive this time. that’s why i wanna make the choice… the positive one. but i just can’t. i just cannot take side. i must be in some illusory state right now too, but i cannot recognize it. or maybe i do, but only theoretically. i cannot stop the web from making, too much impurity is there, and too much weakness. oh i have tried it earlier… i fail again and again. i am stupid for repeating the same mistakes again and again. they say “learn from mistakes”, and i do… but that seems to happen only theoretically. its indeed about remaining awake and alert ‘moment to moment’, every moment. well, i am ready to do that but that is very difficult, next to impossible i must say, while living with other people. that’s why i wanna remain positive while being with them and neutral while alone. but i cannot compromise even this much. because i cannot fucking choose. because i have no basis to choose. because i cannot do injustice. because that would be chaotic, out of my hands. because i fear chaos and letting go. indeed i’m holding back something, still. but i cannot see what it is. is my reasoning right? since i’m holding back that’s why i cannot switch smoothly. this is paradoxical. one just cannot trust everything! holding back is natural. is this where it all comes down to.. to this paradox? i have heard about it before too. they say trust everything, trust the whole existence. i understand it and know its importance. but…
they say it can be done and needs practice. i have.. i have tried it earlier. but its so difficult to maintain that, i must say, its next to impossible. “to live is to live in relationship”, and relationship means to influence and be influenced. there are two ways i guess. one is: “to become an island unto oneself”. and the other is: let go. first one is practiced by ardent religious ones, the other one by i don’t know whom. who can live with let go? i just can’t get it. it requires an all loving, all trusting person… who doesn’t exist. and one cannot “practice” trust! (or can one?). nope, one can trust the goal, not the way. way is always a means, and trust is a something very personal thing. too many problems.
there should be no choice. its right how it is i guess. choice means bondage. i cannot choose because i cannot choose. but i cannot let go because i am bounded there. this ability to not-choose is still not totally free. on one level i’m free but on another bounded. the ideal state should be: no choice & no compulsion to choose either.
well i guess i have written too much non-sense in latter part. i actually wanted to clarify it for myself by writing… but couldn’t. i may edit it in future, i don’t know.
6 comments
Hi Quaero, good to see you. This makes sense to me, don’t worry. I guess you feel you are lacking direction, lacking purpose, and see everything as going in repetitive circles? If you live you see everything as being the same, yet, you are unsure as to whether taking the leap is the proper decision either. Many of us here have felt that way, I’m sure.
No choice and no compulsion to choose – that would happen if we were killed by something beyond our means. But really, in merely living, going day to day – we’re just trudging along like the rest of the world, who are in the same predicament. No one was given a choice. We came into being arbitrarily. We can choose death if we like, but our body does not WANT us to choose death. We were born to live for some period of time, and then die. So, in essence we are hapless wanderers, seeking fulfilment on that road that ultimately leads to oblivion (or so we assume).
(I’d write more but I must be off.)
Damn this post made a lot of sense to me. I like the idea of your actions all being altruistic, since I take/ took the opposite stance. And yeah that would make committing suicide a choice completely on its own. It’s neither altruistic because you’re not worrying what/how other people will see it, or whether it conforms to the conception of self that you ascribe to, but it’s also not really selfish for the same reason (obviously you can’t take the self out of selfish). I would suggest against it, only because you obviously have some cool thoughts. Perhaps you should experiment with life, seeing if it is actually possible to live for yourself, or since the self is pretty much nonexistent and determined by others, try to see if there’s a way around that. Weird and interesting stuff, stuff that I like to think I think about. Kind of lost me by the end though.
But it doesn’t make sense to me. Why wouldn’t one seek his advantage? Why won’t i make it even when there is nothing from outside that’s stopping me as far as i can see. I am ready to remain wherever i am, rather than make a choice that will correct so many things.
@hatjack there is a way around, its called letting go. Being a wanderer, a freefloater. Loosing yourself so much into everything that you no longer remain for yourself to hold you back. And yet you exist – as a free spirit, watching everything without judging.
This state is very close to ideal, but i don’t know if it is possible.
I experiment, A LOT. Often i temporarily succeed too. But again and again i fall back into being human, all too human. There is an invisible gravitational attraction in it. It happens from backdoors, where i’m not. Many times i’ve tried to see this process happening, hoping to gain understanding of it,… But its invisible… I get to see the results it is producing – the changing of my state – but never the process.
i’m with you..it is a final choice common sense tells us this [wether we fail or succeed].We wont be around to see the outcome therefor we take it seriously and allow the bondage to just delay with hope that things might change for the better….no non-sense in ur post- none whatsoever. I have not nor will not ever judge a person who chooses their end as they had very little say in their life and no say in their birth, plus i’d be an outright hypocrite if i did judge.
I know life is a gift, everytime i see mother nature do her thing natural instinct tells me this, everytime a birth is near it reminds me and shows me life is a gift and I feel re-born for awhile until reality sets back in. People who love life should get to live it…that isnt always the case, people who dont must continue on till it is written somewhere they get to leave…..how is that a gift? And then suddenly a little piece of life rocks up on your doorstep which pulls at every heart string u possess and delays your fate even further which is beautiful and cruel all at once…I can fully understand why this is a difficult choice for you or anyone else.