It’s odd how, being so close to the end, I’m now reflecting back on my life….. Forgiving those who’ve hurt me…… I never noticed until now, just how many people I’ve touched in my life, how many people I have inspired….. How many people do care about me…… Yet, I’m still totally alone and in the dark… I mean yeah, they care, but they’ll never understand me, or why I have to do what I have to do…. There is no way I could ever explain this to them in a way they would understand….. There was a time, when even certain people in my own family, I would have denied them access to my funeral as a way to spite them, however, this is wrong…. It’s not that they don’t care about me, they just don’t understand… They do care, in their own misguided way, but they’re not really aware enough to know how to care properly?…..
I don’t blame my loved ones….. In fact, in some ways i do blame society and the world for some of the things I have gone through, but I even forgive them because they know no better. I think I’m making my peace now. Ironically, it hurts to know that my actions will hurt others….. I never wanted to hurt anyone. Even though I don’t feel as though I need to be forgiven, as I don’t believe I am doing anything wrong here, I do know that in their minds, they will think I have done something horribly wrong…. And I dunno if they will ever forgive me… I hope they will……. I want them to know, the man I used to be, still lives on somewhere within me……Â maybe he’ll come back out to play on the other side of the fence….. Hopefully, I can finally rest easy.
7 comments
Please don’t do this. I only joined today, and I have noticed your comments on other people’s posts. Your words are very inspiring and they give hope. The world would be a worse place without you in it, so please… don’t do it.
I agree with Lulla.
I odnt know your specific case, but I will say one thing……
Dont be fooled into thinking everyone you know in real life does care.
Maybe most/some do, but then there are pieces of shit out there like my wife who is pure evil.
No, not everyone cares, and if you are in my shoes, you realize some want you to go. I almost gave them that satisfaction on the night of Aug. 30th of this year.
I don’t know you, and I am new to this site.. but I have read your words elsewhere here.. and I agree, the world would be a little colder without you in it. I hope that you are still with us.
I’m also new to the site but I’ve had my own complications that have brought me here. I just want to say that whenever I feel close to what seems like “the point of not return” I just think of this place I would go to. I am not a religious man and don’t believe in heaven and hell per se. However, in this place I ‘oversee’ how life went on without me in it and what horrible pain it would cause to the people that wished me well and loved me. And if those people aren’t worth living for, then I don’t know what is.
…… I’m not new on the block, I know who gives a shit and who doesn’t. Mostly, my father, my brother, my best friend for over 7 yrs, but I don’t feel as though i really have another alternative…. It’s my time to go, I’ve got to do this…. For me, so that my suffering can finally end.
True forgiveness does not kill.
who are you to tell me I don’t love or forgive my family and friends?