I have a date range when everything should fall into place. I even have a friend to help make sure everything goes smootly. But I am forced to wait until the middle of December. And I am so incredibly, unbelievably angry. I have moments…many throughout the day….when I am so mad that my body fights every breathe. Even it is sick at the idea of having to take in any more life. Mentally, I have been deceased for months. Nothing new has happened. My mind works itself into a lather with old memories, every single one of which is agonizing. Then after too much time, it rinses itself off……..only to repeat again. Lather, rinse repeeeat, lather, rinse, repeeeeeat, lather, rinse, repeeeeeat…..as needed. Thanks for the lyrics Phoebe Buffay.
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Having to wait for the suffering to stop when you are your own enemy is one of the worst things i can think off, i’m on that same situation atm, even if i have to wait until january (waiting for my method to arrive and don’t want to destroy my family’s holidays forever, even if only two of them really care)… it’s like fighting against anger, sorrow, pain, and your own thoughts at all times, just wanting them to stop. The last few months have felt like years.
being boring with to much adrenaline sucks.
At this point, I am desperate for distraction. I feel like Im weighted down in the middle of a desert. Paralyzed. Parched. Pathetic. My fingers claw at the sand, grasping, reaching…hoping to find something to hold onto. Something to bring to my cracked lips. To drink and drown my delirious mind. Just enough to get me though until I can let go and be still. Im open to suggestions. Willing to listen to any pearls of wisdom. I have heard enough of my own.
have you done a bucket list?
do you think there’s anything at all you will miss?
Mid december is merely a couple weeks away. Two weeks blows by like nothing if you let it.
But that’s pretty much how i’ve been lately too. Every breath is torture, every memory is torment, every motion is agony. Inside i’m screaming like a maniac; outside i suppose i appear unconcerned and patient.
@Bumtan I have no wants or desires. That has been the case for as long as I can remember. But I have reached the rapturous peaks of ecstasy and been down to the neighboring valley of hell. I know I have lived as fully as I could hope to.
@1298 There are some things I do miss. But once Im gone I dont believe I will be able to miss them any longer. People, my friend. That is what I miss. Thats my pearl to leave to you all. ANY moment of joy, any happy memory, I look back and most remember who I was lucky enough to share it with. Do not be dependent on those around you for your happiness, but rather delight in sharing it with others and in sharing theirs. It is these connections that we make that last.
@Clever Im glad you can relate. Truly. Sometimes I feel as if there is a megaphone inside my skull, beside my brain that emits hysterical screams. And every memory is a scream, a lightning bolt that sears through my body. Im not sure why. But happy memories, sad memories, they all carry the same voltage of torture