In the present

So this is how it is going. i won’t really say i will “do” it. lately i seem to be loosing faith in continuity, not theoretically but existentially. i don’t seem to care what happened to me in past, i don’t seem to care how my plans or actions will show their result in future; i just seem to be living in around present, with its little pasts and futures, but not bigger pasts and futures.

I’m becoming more and more secluded into myself.

I’m gonna give up whatever knowledge i have accumulated hitherto, all those conclusions and correlations i’ve made, all my theories and hopes (except one). Whats the point of them if they haven’t taken me anywhere. I’m gonna grab this opportunity and live in the present now. I don’t care what happen to me or my life now. I’ve found that all (most) our fears are fears of future and all our holding backs are holding backs of past. Who am i in the now? nothing, thus everything.

I also feel like there is nothing spiritual or metaphysical about it and i’m only becoming more savage and dumb. Well then, so be it. Who cares about such “civilization” that cannot give me what i want… I’m better savage and dumb then.

And of my eternal hatred for others, i’ve found that it is much more easier to deal with it in the present than when past and futures are included. They make it look something very big and beyond our capacity, whereas in the present it compresses and reduces into far less size and comes on the level of our present moment will-power where we can deal with it on equal, one to one basis and can make a choice – choice that’s definitely gonna work if we choose to make it on every moment, since now both our problem (hatred) and solution (choice) are on equal level (in the present).

i am done with theory. i want to deal with real things – as they are. no logical escape, no trying to turn them into something else… but see them as they are, see their real nature and how they work… how my hatred works, how my stubbornness and laziness work. i’m done with keep neglecting them and having a fantastical hope that if i do this and this, if i follow this and this path they’ll vanish by themselves. i don’t even want them to vanish. i just want one thing – Truth. earlier i tried to get it through otherworldly pathways, now i’m gonna come back to earth.

there is another thing i’m sure of: past and future are nothing but fantastical things. maybe our mind has tendency to live in fantasy. some of us embrace it as true; some of us compromise with it seeing its hold over us. its really very powerful; the moment you put your mind away from reality it goes into fantasy. but i’ll try not to. and if i do i’ll see that too as reality and explore it… afterall there must me some reality in fantasy, otherwise why would it arise in the first place! i don’t know, i just want to face everything as it comes. i’m done with running and escaping. actually i don’t seem to care anymore. things will come, i will watch them, but not with any preconceived idea or how i used to see it before but rather apathetically. that’s the whole difference between watching and judging; a watcher simply watches and the thing itself reveals its nature to him; he doesn’t need to think or apply his values to make some views about that thing… he simply, to use a line from Dhammapada that has always intrigued me, “watches and understands”. anyways, i’m not following anybody this time, i’m just trying to give my newly growing apathy a meaning so that it can help me towards my goal.

strangely i’m not feeling a sense of burden or pressure this time as i used to feel in other plans. maybe because this time i’m not introducing something new, i’m not making any rules or regulations that i need to follow; this one just need me to remind myself from time to time if i get lost into past or future or into a-apathy, which i guess i can do. sometimes these thoughts and feeling will look sweet; then i’ll remind myself about my goal, which stands above everything else.

well this whole plan stands upon this strange sense of apathy that has descended upon me. i don’t know how to explain it, its not really apathy, its like the process of caring has slowed down; its like i have been pushed somewhat into myself, like i now see things from inside, like i need to pull my vision from deep well and then apply it on object of consideration and then judge. earlier i had an ever ready quick judge already standing on outside. i have no idea how this happened, so i also don’t know if its permanent or temporary. so i’ll just take use of opportunity… atleast so that the next time i read “live in the present moment” quote i can say that i tried it and it didn’t work.