From the get go I’ve always said you had to be strong to commit suicide, I still do. I’ve attempted several times but still not to avail. Two of those times leaving me in hospital from overdosing, one of which for several days, and another time submitting me to a mental hospital for a week. I’m not proud of this, it makes me feel weak, however a part of me, and it’s a very small part that is glad I made it through.
Only I have the need to hurt myself again, only I don’t know how anymore, (but I’m not asking).
I grew up without a family, moved around a lot, and have always had a problem with being controlled by others, having always been monitored in some way, although at times I’ve been meek and let people walk over me. I’ve always been somewhat depressed, mostly I feel due to how my life has been, what hand I was given, and how neglected and ugly I’ve felt.
That was fine, for the most part, as in I could at least handle it most of the time. I could handle the hurt and the pain, the depression and suicidal thoughts. I could handle my moods and aggression.
As of the last few years though, specifically after meeting someone, who is now my ex fiance, it has gotten worse. Life did look up at points, however insecurities and other problems arose and my depression, aggression and more has got at least x2 worse. Which is during the time I had attempted suicide and hurt myself.
Now we’re over, not even a week, from my own hands, and while I know he’ll wait for me, and I feel really down. People would think this is good, he sounds both supportive but also being away from him is a good thing. Only it’s not. I don’t think. I don’t know. I both want to be with him again but never see him again. The fact is I want to hurt myself again, I’m just scared and I don’t know what to do, I just hope I find a way to get through it, like I hope everyone else on here finds a way to manage their own life/problems that they may have.
That would be nice.
1 comment
Everyone makes it through, until they don’t. I don’t know that you necessarily need strength to commit suicide, humans can put up with a lot, until it’s just too much, and that’s what it seems to take, too much. I remember reading stories of jumpers from Bridges, who somehow survived, and that although they may have had the “strength” to jump, as they fell they regretted what they did. Were they strong or weak or just vulnerable? I don’t know.
I think it’s good that you’re getting it out there though, under your own control. Talking it out with supportive understanding folk is good.