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lamenting my life

by Tormenting Dreams

so, where do i start.what defines me is not where ive been or what ive done; at any second who you are can change. with the passage of time nothing remains the same. And it seems ridiculous to say i dont know who i am, and really i dont. I someday wonder if someone can truly know who they are. or maybe a self identity is never established and people just grow comfortable with there surrounds and are like, meh fuck it.

i often picture the moment of self realization to be played out like a movie, where the sun shines to brightly over the top of the tree’s and everything just gets crisper and clearer and shit,poof i move on with my life and are much happier, and basically live happily ever after.ridiculous right?

i wish i could just begin one of my stories with ‘and somebody told me’ instead its ‘i recently realized’, makes me sound a bit assy and conceded. like oh yeah, i have all the answers.

i also which i could begin and end one of these posts around a central topic instead of ten. but fuck, i dont ever get what i want.

so with each passing day ( and sentence apparently,) i lose focus on what i … want/ believe? i just dont know anything anymore.

i originally wanted to excel at life and climb higher and higher until i was in control of my life, but now i fear im just to lazy and unmotivated. I seem to be content with working my job and moving out. oh throw a car in that mix too. And thats kinda sad, thats the complete opposite of me from four months ago.

i dont know, i may just be turning into a sad excuse for a human being. I walk around and look down on those who are content with just living, but having no life. and here i am doing the same.

With each grain of sand, my world begins to fall.

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G.W. 11/28/2013 - 8:37 am

Wow, Glassy. You are just so close.

It is actually true that you do not know who you are. But you can know. It is far easier than you think, but in a different direction than you are looking. Look within with courage and forgiveness and let what is there be what it is.

This seems too easy and does not seem to make you special enough. You resent being just like others, maintaining the mandatory minimum of pride. Ultimately, the sameness you share with everyone is the very thing that will save you. Jesus put it this way: You are the salt of the earth. But if the salt shall lose its savor, it is good for nothing. Obviously, salt can not lose its savoriness. You can not lose who you are. Your made up identity is not it.

Keep at it. You are on the right track. All will be well.

G.W.

P.S. Your tendency to obsess on the negative really only reflects your own confusion. Look for the highest good you have heard of and focus on that. God or good, it will help and develop.

Atomic Wombat 11/28/2013 - 9:30 am

epiphany; a moment in which you suddenly see or understand something in a new or clear way.

It would be nice if we could conjure up epiphanies at will but it doesn’t seem to work that way. They seem to happen spontaneously, and they’re quite rare. Not to sound lame, but the first epiphany I can remember occurred when I learned how a four stroke internal combustion engine works. That was huge.. It almost felt like I’d attained enlightenment.

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