she is turning into a control freak. maybe its just that earlier she couldn’t find many reasons to say anything (its funny how even unreasonable people need some form of reason to express their emotions). but now she has plenty. was she waiting for it?
but wasn’t she just the same back then too? then too she used to make me feel completely worthless by taking my social awkwardness as reason. she never really appreciated my good academic performance, as if that was taken for granted, and always kept looking for my faults to make me feel shitty. how i used to weep in night and take vows of reform…vows to act “normally” in front of all those hypocrites. she never appreciated, so i never appreciated; and when she (and all others) suddenly did as i broke colony’s record, i… couldn’t forgive them. i couldn’t allow them to feel happy because of me after all that worthlessness. you made me unworthy, now i’m going to prove it – so my soul vowed that day.
and look now. i have now given her plenty of reasons to make me feel unworthy again. you no longer need to explicitly search for them mom…i have given you pretty easy ones now. and i will give you more. that’s how i’m going to repay for all your love and care, and that’s how i’m going to ruin my life.
1 comment
Yes, I made a similar vow. No one will hold you to it but yourself, though no one can stop you either. Sooner or later you will renounce it. Try sooner and save yourself the pain.