Trying something new

I don’t know how long this will be, but I tend to ramble, so I apologize in advance. I’m not actively planning any kind of suicide, so don’t worry, but I’ve been tired of this world since I was about 11 or so, and every day continues to exhaust me a little more, so I felt like maybe this would be an ok place to put this. I feel like an idiot for having to get my story out, but I’ve never really let anyone know, and I feel like it’s time to try something new. I’m not a great writer, so

Problems? What problems? I was born very healthy, to a loving, caring mother, as a “late in life” baby that she thought she might never have, and so showered me with attention and support. My father left when I was 3 months or so, so I never even realized that something was missing, some people had mothers and fathers, I had a mother, that was how life was, it made sense. I grew up poor, but comfortable; I didn’t have any luxuries like a big house or toys but I always had food to eat, clothes to wear, and lived in one of the nicest neighborhoods in the US. As a kid I was titled a “Gifted learner” and put into a few advanced programs, where I always did well. At school I was picked on a little bit, like everyone, but nothing major, and I made friends without really trying. In many ways I can’t imagine someone being given a better life, so I can’t complain that I was given an unfair shake.

So again, what’s the problem? I don’t even know really, I’ve just always felt, different and disconnected. My mother loved me intensely and deeply, and while I am aware of it, and I care for her, I can’t say that I have ever loved her back in the same way. I remember once as a child, experimented with saying the words “I love you” just because I had heard people say it, and I wanted to see what it was like. I felt awful because I knew right away that I was lying, I had said the words, but had felt nothing behind them. My disconnection wasn’t just with her obviously, I often found myself baffled by the things other people placed importance on, what food to eat, what clothes to wear, I looked like an alien trying to blend in on Earth, nothing looked “wrong” but it all came together in a strange way. I also couldn’t really get into education, although I started strong, I often found I just didn’t care at all, I never really excelled at anything because I couldn’t muster any motivation to work on it on my own, once whatever supervisor left I would immediately stop trying at all. I couldn’t even really get along with the friends I had, we would get together to play, but I had nothing to offer, no suggestions of things to do, I didn’t even really want to be there as I didn’t understand the point of it, except that I knew it was what people expected.

Fast forward from all the wasted gifts of youth, as things became less easy, stopped being handed free food, free friends, free education, suddenly my inability to understand the world around me became a growing issue. Suddenly my grades plummeted (and I had to have endless meetings to figure out what the “problem” was), I became increasingly socially isolated, when girls appeared on the horizon, I was fascinated but terrified. For the first time I had found something consistently interesting (due to biology) and it sparked the first real sense of fear and failure. I wouldn’t say that I’m unattractive, another blessing bestowed upon me, but I’m not handsome enough to counteract that “Alien trying to blend in” vibe I give off, there is just something… odd about me, and so I completely struck out with women. I began to feel my first real feelings

I worked, and it was the same thing, I had little interest, and would complete tasks set to me, but had no vision or insight beyond that, and I did not fit in with my co-workers (they were all friendly, but we didn’t go hang out) so it was just an exercise in exchanging hours for money. I applied for, and was accepted into University, but I still had no interest in actually achieving anything, it just seemed like the sensible next step. Not having my own sense of direction, I simply let myself fall into the first suggestion made to me, and so I majored in Physics, which was a huge challenge, as I did not have a strong academic background, any motivation to do well, and I could not reach out to classmates or professors for assistance (oh and it’s pretty hard on its own). I mixed my time between finding little corners to hide in and avoid all the pretty people having fun, and then bursts of furious panicked work to get assignments/tests completed. I met literally no one during the time that most people consider the “wildest most fun period of their life”.

At some point, loneliness overrode my inherrent programming. I had never had a girlfriend, or even touched a woman by my mid-20s, so what does a lonely nerd do? He turns to the on-line (this was before it was the thing to do). After some time flailing about, a woman contacted me on a dating site, 11 years my senior and 7000 miles away, it was the only opportunity I’d ever had, and I took it. We exchanged photos and chatted on the computer, as you might expect, she had issues, a child from a messy marriage, and lots of hangups about everything, but I needed something. We met in person, and I touched a woman for the first time, and it was horrible. Not in a “maybe you’re gay?” way, she was beautiful and I am still very attracted to her, but everything felt wrong. I didn’t even enjoy the sex, and I know she didn’t. She was a bit like me, somewhat aloof, cold and distant, and the entire time I spent with her was like two robots cohabitating. For some reason she still seemed to love me in her own weird way, but I couldn’t survive on this unfeeling relationship, and so after some time I broke it off. But I felt horrible, I really liked her, was attracted to her, even though I knew it couldn’t work, and she was devastated, which made things worse. Feeling like a bit of a shithead I returned online to distract myself from the pain and sense of failure from this disaster. What happens, but of course I met another beautiful woman not long after, who again was 8000 miles away, in the midst of a messy breakup, and interested in me. Fresh from feeling like crap, and that I might not ever get another chance, I again stupidly decided to try things out.

This relationship was the same but different, distance was a problem, I was a problem, but she was loving and caring, and told me that I had given her a second lease on life after her last failed relationship. Hmm, maybe I’m doing better this time around I thought. We meet, and I’m no longer a virgin, no longer so desperate, with a woman who is loving and caring and shows it. I feel, not quite love, but affection for this person, and so I do everything I can to make our meeting better than the last one I had. The sex is good for her, I still feel almost nothing, but I can enjoy her enjoyment at least. And when we part ways, it is on much better terms than the last time. I begin to feel the stirrings of hope, that maybe I can have a normal functional relationship with another human being after all.

Fast forward to some time later, when inevitably the woman who proclaims her love for me, desire for marriage and kids and etc. tells me that, oops! I’ve fallen for this guy at work I met 2 weeks ago. And so, I guess that’s it, cya. Well what do you expect, long-distance never works, but then, short-distance doesn’t really seem to work either.

So here I am, I still don’t give a crap about doing anything in particular, I exchange hours for money still but it’s deadening, and I fear that as I get older, not moving upwards means I am actually digging a hole for myself. I don’t particularly care for any fields of study, or hobbies, or places, or anything. The one thing I’ve ever been interested in, women, are off the table, all I read are stories of people cheating on each other, having disastrous endings, and it’s not like I have particularly much to offer anyway, as I can’t love as I understand others do. The world isn’t entirely made up of awful people, but if 98% of them are, the chances that the people you interact with aren’t crap is very slim (if you are in a room of 100 people, and you are a decent person, only 1 other person will also be). The leaders are psychos, posturing for money and power, without regard for anyone but themselves. The first world nations are ruining the environment and the second and third world nations secretly or openly want to be like the first world nations. Secret police, secret jails, torture, mercenary squads, oil and water, the problems seem insurmountable on a global scale, and I can’t find any reprieve on a personal scale. And so like the movie Office Space said, every day seems to be a little worse than the day before it.

Despite all this, I am trying, really trying my hardest to stay positive, find something worth living for, so if you made it this far somehow, or skipped the end, don’t worry. I don’t see a light at the end of the tunnel, but I’ll keep pushing through on the off chance that it’s there. If anyone else feels like the world is too much, I’m sorry I don’t have a more exciting story for you, but the moral is the same regardless, we need to try our best to leave things a little better than we found it, and then hopefully we can shuffle off this mortal coil without regret.