When enough is enough

I’ve been around for a while – like more than half a century. My health is lousy, to a point it’s my fault but the reality is that I hate my life so much that there are subconscious self-destructive dynamics at work I cannot change. It is very much like having a slow-motion dream where you have 4 arms and 4 hands; 2 are tied behind your back and the the other two are slowly pulling the pin out of a grenade with the intent to shove it in your mouth and you are powerless to stop it.

People feed self-hatred by using someone or carelessly/intentionally hurting them. I have many kinds of chronic physical pain and this makes me easily addicted to anything that makes me feel better and makes my psyche obsessed with killing the body I am trapped in that hurts so much. I’ve had a family. raised four children, have two grandchildren and had to end an abusive marriage after 24 years of insanity. I’ve had careers ranging from flipping burgers to being a fat cat in a corner office with a six-figure salary. And my I.Q. has been tested several times and ranged from 150 to 190. I’ve done things some people only dream of like playing on stage with infamous musicians, raced cars, flown aircraft, yadda yadda yadda. I even had the privilege of being chased down and subdued by an NBA cheerleader.

But none of that matters. All that matters to me is about a year along the continuum when I was with the only person I ever could really love. This person made everything bad in my life go away. This person fulfilled me completely and to the point where I could stand on my feet for eight solid hours and peel potatoes with a paring knife (not some peeler/gadget) and have enough energy left over to walk for hours along the beach with her. I learned with her what it meant to absolutely cherish someone. She saved me from complete self-destruction and restored my will to live. Then she left me for a child molester.

Since then, I have spiraled downward into the depths of fucking Hell. I am spiritually bankrupt. My health is so bad that every day risks being the last day I can force myself to make it to my job. Pain prevents me from sleeping more than 45 minutes at a time. I can no longer stand or sit for more that a few minutes before the pain I have plowing through me so intensely that it makes my eyes water. So what is my point? My point is I have no will to live. I have nothing to look forward to in any given day bit pain and anguish.

I do not write this to invoke sympathy. I patently don’t give a damn whether or not anyone gives a damn. I don’t wander around each day blubbering my sad story all over others for attention. In fact I prefer not to be paid any attention to at all. I only mean to make the point that I have had enough of the agony; enough pain and enough general bullshit to last a hundred lifetimes and I want it to end. I don’t want to make a big, loud mess for others to clean up or to make the evil people in my life “feel bad”. And I know anyone that does care will be hurt if I went away but I don’t really care. none of that matters. My life has been a poorly executed joke and the punch line makes no sense. I was a mistake. A fluke of a fertilization – created from materials that should have been left in the sink. I don’t want to live through another night of waking every 30 minutes from the pain or horrific nightmare. And I don’t want to face another day surrounded by pushy, self-absorbed people that should be adorning the depths of Hell. I only desire the resolve to end it now. I want to stop the madness and exchange the loud, searing pain with complete silence.