“you are your own enemy”

“you are your own enemy”… but is there anything else to do? enmity is not my problem, its more like a timepass. punishing and punishing and punishing. or i may change my attitude towards other side and it will become doing  good  and doing good and doing good. but what does it matter? how are they any different? choosing one over other – what is being achieved by it, other than me becoming happy instead of sad? and how is that happiness any different than sadness? i don’t see any point in choosing, i don’t see why i should choose one over the other. i have gone through these cycles over and over and they only make me tired. i want truth. anything else doesn’t seem to satisfy me. they are all fleeting things, and i hate fleeting things, i hate impermanent things. they disgust me. i feel wronged when anything i was feeling trusted with go away. i feel betrayed by existence, by that thing, and i curse myself for trusting an impermanent thing. and it seems everything is impermanent. i can’t trust anything. i feel baseless, every second of every day. each word i spell out of my mouth… you don’t know how its like to be forced to lie, with no other option available. i’m a hollow nut. i can’t forget, i can’t escape. i’ve experienced many kind of experiences and emotions, but when they go away i’m sure i don’t want them again.. atleast not for the sake of simply experiencing. happiness and joy and peace and bliss… they are all valueless in themselves if they aren’t taking me closer to truth. many a things are still there in me that are fleeting and i’ve not identified. to be frank, i’ve become afraid of loosing them too. the moment i will identify them as fleeting i’ll loose them. i’ve become afraid of going deeper into myself.

i feel like i just lay in bed and keep lying there… think nothing, do nothing. that’s much better than enmity and goodness and lying. that even looks like truth!