I am in a low, angry, sad place today, and I would really appreciate someone listening. I also need to rant.
I have made some very poor choices over the years, mainly in the department of friendship. (By the way, I’m referring to friends local to me in Columbus, not you folks.) I have one friend in particular who I have stood by for 20 years no matter what. I was in the room with her when her mother died. I came to her bedbug infested home to help her with her taxes because she could not do them. I have spent hours on the phone listening to her pain, frustration, and anger about the world and her fucked up, abusive, non-bathing husband. And that’s ok, that’s what friends do.
But, the problem is when I need help or need someone to talk to, she has not got the time. She just wants to get off the phone. (BTW, it is REALLY rare that I call anyone for support any more… it’s not like it’s an every day thing or every week or even every fucking month.) That makes me angry and hurt. I was in an exceptionally bad place Friday night and wound up calling suicide prevention because she didn’t have 10-15 minutes just to fucking listen. I’m not asking for money or anyone to solve a problem for me… I just want someone to listen. And, none of my friends bother to call to say happy birthday or call to wish me a happy whatever. I realize I celebrate different holidays and most people do not share that path, but you’d think at least one person could ask how the Solstice or whatever-that-weird-shit-you-do was. Nada. If I gambled, I’d lay money on the table that no one would call in a few weeks on my birthday. I swear I’ll eat the Columbus Yellow Pages if one of them does, and then I’ll probably have a heart attack.
Ultimately, I guess it’s my fault. I’ve made bad choices in friends and I’ve stuck with them, even when I’m getting nothing out of the relationship.
Well, shit, at least suicide prevention is on speed dial if I ever need them again.
Thanks for listening.
4 comments
Columbus, Ohio? Not too far from me. I’m in Cincinnati. Hope you find that one friend you can call.
Sorry about that, elliecats. It’s so hard to find good friends. Especially ones willing to put the same amount of effort into the friendship. And some people take advantage of someone who they know is always going to be there for them. If there’s one thing I’ve learned, it’s that it is destructive to hold on to friendships that have run their course. But that’s a tough decision – do you choose loneliness over having a friend that doesn’t really care anymore? Though, I suppose it’s lonely anyway with a friend that doesn’t listen. Anyway, I sympathize with you.
I attract @$$holes too. I think that people with big hearts like yours tend to get used a little more than the average joe. Happy early birthday and if you ever want to e-mail me instead of the suicide hotline, I’d be happy to listen… You’ve lent me support previously.
-You deserve good friends, a happy solstice and a happy birthday.
Yes you’ve made bad choices but you’ve been given the opportunity to learn from your mistakes and make better choices in the future. I’ve had shitty abusive friends since elementary school but now that I’m in college I’ve become better at seeing who’s worth my time and whose not. The blood suckers look at me and know I won’t put up with their shit. You can learn from this too and have friends in the future and give back what you put in. Lessons are painful but they are the key to growing. I didn’t get my heart broken until I was 20 and god it was hell because I didn’t make bad choices earlier. You’ll be better because of this. You sound like an incredible friend. Kind of remind me of the giving tree. There are good people in this world that deserve a friend like you and I hope you find each other.