Critique my suicide note

I’ve got it planned out and I know where I’m going to do it just not sure of the exact “when” of the act.

Here’s the note I wrote and plan to leave:

I, (my legal name) born on …. in …. and currently residing at… being of sound or unsound mind do hereby make this my suicide note. I have of my own free will jumped and shot myself in the head on the way down to impact fully intending to end my life here and now and not screw up and become a vegetable. I thought this out and planned it thoroughly as I was an intelligent person. I suffered from deep depression most of my life along with anxiety and lately some social anxiety. I also had Borderline Personality Disorder.

I was the only child of a bi-polar father and a neurotic over-protective mother.  

I grew up in a very dysfunctional family. I’ve been a loner and not able to relate well to others my whole life. I was married to two women neither of whom I ever loved. The first one died 11 years ago and my 2nd wife divorced me 4 years ago. I was fired from my job 16 months ago. Since then, I have lived as basically a hermit with nothing to do, no place to go and nobody to talk to day in and day out. The circumstances of my firing led me to believe that nobody would ever hire me and I started suffering a series of serious physical problems as well. I have no family and no real friends. I was in the words of my 2nd wife “the most negative and pessimistic person she’d ever known” – guilty as charged. I’ve lived my whole life with no self-confidence, no ambition, being selfish, un-grateful, critical and judgmental of myself and everyone else. Due to my neurotic worrywart mother I’ve grown up as a big worrier as well and always seeing the glass half empty. 

I really feel that the US is about to disintegrate into bankruptcy and civil war. These feelings also held me back from looking for a job as I saw no future in this country. I’ve been living in a state I hate for 12 1/2 years now and have felt like a trapped animal there but with no way out since I was jobless and totally alone. 

I have absolutely nothing to live for and unlike most people who commit suicide I won’t be hurting anyone – nobody in this entire world will ever miss me. I made no contribution to this world. The Beatles said it best – “The love you take is equal to the love you make” I made no love and I take no love. My death will actually benefit some, I have in my will for my body to go to science but it’s unlikely now that it’s of any use so I have a note for my executor that in the event it was unusable to just have me cremated as cheaply as possible and toss my ashes in the trash heap. My estate is going to two charities.

You may be a king or a street sweeper but everyone dances with the grim reaper.

 Nevermore shall I return, escape these caves of ice. For I have dined on honeydew and drunk the milk of paradise.

 Maybe then you’ll hear the words I’ve been singing – it’s funny when you’re dead how people start listening.

 When we are young, we wander the face of the earth, wondering what our dreams might be worth – learning that we’re only immortal for a limited time.

 Each of us – a cell of awareness, imperfect and incomplete. Genetic blends, with uncertain ends, on a fortune hunt that’s far too fleet.

 When they turn the pages of history, when these days have passed long ago – will they read of us with sadness for the seeds that we let grow?

 And the men who hold high places must be the ones who start – to mold a new reality closer to the heart.

 The most endangered species – the honest man, will still survive annihilation, forming a world, state of integrity – sensitive, open and strong.

 Faith is cold as ice. Why are little ones born only to suffer – for the want of immunity or a bowl of rice? Well, who would hold the price on the heads of the innocent children if there’s some immortal power to control the dice? 

If there is a God, I was living proof that he makes mistakes – I should never have been born – I never had a chance in life and I served no useful purpose on this planet. Who would hold the price on the head of someone who never asked to be born by placing me in a dysfunctional family that guaranteed I would never learn the skills to make it in this world?

Tell me what you think